Nothing Left to Lose

My cell phone was buzzing happily on the side, vibrating loudly against the wood of my bedside unit. I ignored it, knowing it would be Ashton. He had been calling me every five minutes since seven o’clock so I’d switched my phone to silent. By the time I got out of the shower and dressed, the phone had finally stopped ringing. I picked it up, seeing twelve missed calls and eight new messages.

The calls were all from him in a series of five minute intervals. Five of the messages were from him too. The others were from Rosie, Serena and Monica, all of them wishing me happy birthday. I opened the messages from Ashton and took a deep breath before I read them:

1 - Happy Birthday! I hope you have a good day. Please call me, I really need to speak to you, today of all days. I love you x

2 - Anna, please don’t do anything silly today, please? I love you.

3 - Please answer your phone. I just need to hear your voice and know that you’re okay, please?

4 - Anna, you’re making me crazy! I know today is hard for you but you promised me once you wouldn’t do anything silly on your birthday. Please, Baby Girl, please?

5 - You’re killing me, I swear. Please answer your damn phone! I miss you, I need you, I love you x

My hands were shaking. I felt sick. Knowing I couldn’t put off contact with him today because of how worried he’d be, I sent him a quick reply promising that I wouldn’t do anything silly and asking him to stop calling and leave me alone.

I forced myself to stop thinking about him. I knew he was hurting and that I was causing him pain, but it needed to be done and he would never have left if I’d just told him my reasons for wanting him transferred. He would have been confident he could have protected me, and himself, against Carter and his men, but he would have been wrong, and I couldn’t take that chance with his life.

As I wandered through the exquisite hallways and made my way to the dining room for breakfast with my parents, I tried to ignore the guard that was following behind me, matching his step with mine.

I didn’t really want to eat this morning, but my parents had insisted we convene in the morning to celebrate. They always had liked to make a fuss of my birthday – that never changed, even after I did.

As I sat down at the beautifully laid out table, my parents smiled warmly but managed to look concerned at the same time. “Happy birthday, Annabelle,” they both said, almost in unison.

I faked a smile. “Thanks.” To distract myself from the fact that they were watching me, I helped myself to some toast, spreading it liberally with marmalade. I wasn’t hungry, but I needed to keep up the act for them otherwise I’d never get any peace today.

Suddenly, my mom jumped out of her chair and grabbed three presents off the floor, handing them to me. “For you.”

“Thanks, you didn’t need to get me anything.” I set them on the table and picked up the top, beautifully wrapped, red box.

“Oh don’t be silly, you’re twenty today, no longer a teenager,” my mom chirped, looking at me proudly.

I eagerly tore off the paper, finding a shoe box inside. On the side was printed the words ‘Mary Shaun’ – the designer who had made my dress and shoes for my father’s party. I grinned as I lifted the lid to see a pair of electric blue shoes with a sparkly stiletto heel. They were absolutely beautiful. I gasped.

“Oh wow, these are gorgeous!” I gushed. They were almost as nice as the plum ones I’d claimed to have lost after the party.

“I thought you’d like them,” my mom agreed, smiling at me knowingly.

I smiled gratefully. “Thank you, these are incredible.”

“Open the others,” she instructed, nodding at them.

I grabbed the next one and ripped it open to find a gorgeous gold watch. “Wow, this is beautiful, thank you.”

I picked up the last one. It was wrapped in different paper than the other two. I smiled and ripped it open to reveal another shoe box. I smiled over at my parents who were watching me intently. When I lifted the lid, I’d expected another pair of gorgeous shoes; instead, my eyes landed on a perfectly dried white rose with a green ribbon tied around the stem, a bag of cola flavour fizzy candy, a small book called ‘Graphic design and the meaning of colours and shapes’, and a photo album. I frowned in confusion. This wasn’t the type of thing my parents usually bought; usually it was all about the cost, thought didn’t really come into the equation. I glanced over at my mom, seeing her sad smile and concerned eyes. That was when it dawned on me – this wasn’t from them, it was from Ashton. I should have realised as soon as I saw the rose.

A lump had suddenly formed in my throat, and I tried my best to swallow around it. My hands shook as I picked up the photo album, flicking through to the first page. A photo of me, Ashton, and his friends in LA. My heart squeezed painfully. I thumbed through the rest quickly, seeing that every page was filled with photos of me laughing, me and Ashton together at school, at a bar, on vacation, or at my dad’s party. In some we were joking around in the bed, holding it at arm’s length, our faces filling the whole picture where we couldn’t get it far enough away. I smiled and flicked to the last page, there was a birthday card there. I couldn’t open it now, I could already feel tears prickling my eyes so I snapped it shut and put it back in the box.

“That was sent here a couple of days ago. He asked for me to give it to you on your birthday,” my dad said, regarding me curiously.

I nodded. “Yeah, he’s very thoughtful,” I replied, trying not to let my emotions bubble over. The sweetness of Ashton came flooding back to me, almost making me burst into a fresh round of sobs, but I held it in somehow.

“He’s been calling like crazy this morning. He wants to make sure you’re okay, what with the day and everything. Why don’t you give him a call?” Dad suggested, as if it was that easy.

“I already texted him this morning,” I said casually. I couldn’t talk about him anymore, my insides were squirming, my eyes stinging with tears. I decided to change the subject before I broke down in front of my parents. “I think I’ll wear my new shoes today,” I smiled at my mom, hoping she’d help me out a little. She did. As if knowing I couldn’t cope with this heavy conversation, she started cooing about the shoes and other things that she had seen that I might like at the store. I just smiled and nodded along, grateful to be talking about something other than Ashton.

Once the breakfast was over, I headed up to my room and plopped down on the bed, pulling over the box from Ashton. I took out the dried rose and smiled as I put it on my bedside cabinet; it was perfectly dried and still beautiful. I laughed as I grabbed the fizzy candy; they were my favourites, he’d obviously remembered.

Lastly, I picked up the photo album, hesitantly looking through the pictures again, laughing at some of the funny ones where we were pulling faces or fooling around. I ran my finger over his handsome, smiling face. The pictures made me miss him even more, if that was possible. I moaned when I got to one of him kissing me and holding me tight. I would give anything for him to be here with me now.

When I got to the last page, I pulled out the card and took a deep breath before opening it. The front was fairly simple, it was a vase filled with white roses on a farmhouse kitchen table. I smiled, thinking about how long he must have been looking for the perfect card before he found this one. I opened it to see his messy writing inside; it wasn’t just a happy birthday message, he’d written me a letter inside.

Anna,

I hope you have a really great birthday, you deserve to. I didn’t know what to get you, I didn’t know if you’d be allowed to go and do anything because of the whole guard situation, otherwise I would have bought you tickets for that show on Broadway that you wanted to go see, that’s what I was planning on getting you before all this happened.

So instead of a bought gift, I’ve given you the next best thing. I’ve bundled all of my happiest memories into this album for you. These are the best things that ever happened to me and every single one of them involved you. I know they didn’t mean the same to you as they did me, but you looked so happy at the time.

Please give me another chance. We can just be friends, please? I really miss you, I hope you miss me too. Look at the album and remember how happy I could make you. Please, Baby Girl.

I know today is going to be really hard for you and I wish you would let me be there for you, but I guess I can understand why you won’t. You once promised me you wouldn’t do anything bad today, please, please, please keep that promise Baby Girl, please. Your life means so much to me and I can’t bear the thought of you hurting yourself.

Anyway, I guess I’d better let you go and enjoy your birthday. I hope you’re doing something fun.

Happy 20th birthday, Anna.

It doesn’t matter to me how many miles you put between us, I still love you and I always will.

Ashton

xxx

P.s Nate and the guys wish you happy birthday too x

I read the letter three times; uncontrollable tears rolled down my face. My heart was aching, my whole being just screaming for him. I flopped back onto my bed and closed my eyes, hugging myself tightly. I could picture every single one of those memories without the photos, and they were the best things that had ever happened to me too.

The rest of the day passed as a blur. I hung out on my own a lot. My parents had arranged a ‘special dinner’ as they called it, but essentially it was just another dinner in the White House. They ate like this every night, as far as I could tell. After dinner, I went to my room and had a long bubble bath. I should have felt different somehow, but to me it just felt like any other day. Another day without Ashton.

When I finally crept into my bed, I glanced at my phone to see I had another text from Ashton. I sighed; he didn’t seem to be getting over me at all. Maybe my idea of Nate and the boys helping him through wasn’t going to work out the way I’d planned. Every message from him hurt worse than the last because they just reminded me that he wasn’t here. The texts somehow made the time pass slower; the minutes seemed to drag between messages. My life blurred into one big, long, horrible, Ashton-less day that was broken up by messages I received from the love of my life.