Nothing Left to Lose

He burst out laughing at my comment. “You’re welcome, ma’am,” he whispered, causing goosebumps to break out over my skin. His heavy arm was placed over me as he pulled me closer to him, stroking my back until I was asleep.

I woke up cuddled in his arms. My body was draped over his chest; we were both fully clothed. I raised my head and realised we were in bed. Silently, I wondered how on earth we got there. I definitely fell asleep on the sofa.

“Good morning, Baby Girl,” he said quietly.

I blushed as suddenly all of the memories from last night washed over me. I moved off him and rolled back onto my own pillows, leaving a bit of space between us. When he didn’t move to me, disappointment washed over me. Did he not enjoy last night? Is he not even going to try and kiss me this morning?

“Morning,” I replied sheepishly, unable to look into his eyes because I was a little embarrassed.

“You okay today?” he asked, watching me nervously.

I gulped. What was I supposed to say? Was I okay? I felt okay. Actually, I felt fantastic; my body was, for once, relaxed and satisfied. I had a feeling he was asking because of Jack. The last time something had happened between us, I’d freaked out and ran off to the cemetery. But this time my confusion and unease wasn’t just because of Jack and the fact that I felt disloyal to him for wanting someone else, there was something else this time too.

“Um, yeah, I’m fine. You want some breakfast?” I climbed out of bed quickly, wanting to avoid this conversation. I had no idea what I actually wanted or what I felt about last night, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to think about it while he was there. Whenever he was near me, all I could think of was him.

He sighed deeply. “Yeah sure.”

I couldn’t look at him. I left the room quickly and headed straight to the kitchen, pressing my forehead against the fridge to try and calm myself. Confusion was making my head swim. I’d enjoyed last night, really enjoyed it, in fact, and my body was begging for me to go back to the bed and do it again – and an awful lot more, too. But my head was telling me that I needed to keep him at a safe distance from my heart. I just couldn’t stand anymore heartache, and Ashton Taylor was not the commitment kind of guy. He’d be with me just long enough for me to really fall for him before he would run away screaming, taking my heart with him. I couldn’t feel heartbreak again; I wasn’t strong enough to lose someone again. I needed to tread extremely carefully here because I was in some real danger of being crushed beyond repair by him.

Absentmindedly, I scrambled some eggs and made some toast, deliberately taking my time so he could shower; that way I could go in and get dressed and hopefully avoid being alone with him until tonight at least. Maybe I would figure out what I was going to say to him by then. Last night was entirely my fault again. I was the one making all the moves. I was the one who touched him and gave him the green light. I’d instigated it all, and this confusion and awkwardness that I felt inside was all of my doing.

“Stupid, stupid idiot!” I scolded myself, shaking my head.

“Who’s a stupid idiot?”

I spun on the spot, gasping in shock as he emerged from the bedroom, dressed and ready to go, looking every inch the gorgeous man that he was. “Er, no one. I was just thinking about something,” I lied, shaking my head dismissively and quickly serving up two plates of food. I set one on the counter for him and picked up the other, deciding to eat in the bedroom today so that I could be alone.

As I walked past him, he held his arm up, blocking my path. “Why aren’t you eating out here with me, like normal?” He sounded so terribly sad that it made my eyes prickle with tears.

“No reason. I just want to finish some stuff for our class this afternoon, so I thought I’d make a start while I’m eating. It’ll save some time,” I lied.

He sighed deeply and let his arm drop down to his side. “Right.”

Clearly he knew I was lying, but neither of us said anything. I made my way to the bedroom quickly, sitting on the bed and stuffing my food down my throat even though I didn’t actually want to eat. I felt strange inside. Although I didn’t actually feel bad when I thought about what had happened between us last night – maybe that was the problem.

I showered and dressed in black leggings and a tank top, throwing an oversized blue and white checked shirt over the top, leaving it undone. I put on my bangles too. I didn’t bother with any other jewellery anymore, the only necklace I ever wore was the one that Ashton had given me on our first date; I hadn’t taken it off yet and had no plans to either. I pulled my hair into a pony tail for the day and pulled on some ballet flats. When I was dressed I didn’t want to go back to the kitchen, I wasn’t ready to see him again yet. So instead, I sat on the bed, watching the clock, waiting for the time we would need to leave.

At exactly eight thirty, I made my way to the kitchen, where he was standing reading the newspaper. “Hey, I’m ready to go,” I mumbled, grabbing my bag and turning for the door. I heard him walking behind me, and I knew that he was waiting for me to bring up the subject first. I silently wondered how long he’d wait before he cracked and said something; hopefully I’d at least have time to figure out what I want to say.

“Morning guys,” Dean greeted us happily, waiting outside the door for us as usual.

“Morning,” I grunted, going to the elevator and letting them lag behind me. Usually Ashton would be holding my hand by now and making me smile, but today there just seemed to be this colossal rift between us.