Nothing Left to Lose

His eyes were cautious as he shifted his weight onto his back leg. “Same as yesterday then, I’ll try to grab you and you fight me off, okay?”

I nodded in agreement, taking a deep breath and waiting for him to move. Anger was bubbling through me, I used it to help me focus. He came forward, so I punched him in the stomach, but he saw me move so he jumped back again to avoid it, my hand barely grazing his skin.

He came forward again, and this time I channelled all my hate and hurt into it. I punched him in the chest and slapped his hand away as he tried to grab me, bringing my leg to kick him in the thigh, but he blocked it with his arm, pushing my leg away, making me lose my balance. I regained control quickly and hit him a couple of more times, each one he blocked easily.

I got even angrier because fighting him made me feel so vulnerable. How am I supposed to hurt Carter if I can’t even land one hit? As soon as I thought about him, Carter’s smiling face swam in front of my eyes. Something seemed to snap inside me. I really went for it, punching and kicking at him, but he blocked me easily. I pretended to punch him in the stomach but quickly moved and elbowed him in the face. As he grunted in surprise, I took my opportunity and put my leg behind his, shoving him as hard as I could.

He fell backwards, grabbing me tightly and pulling me down with him. As soon as he hit the floor, he hooked his legs over mine and flipped me easily onto my back, pinning me to the mat with his weight.

“Calm down, Anna,” he said soothingly. I couldn’t calm down; I could barely breathe through my anger. I wanted to kill him; I wanted to rip his head off. I wanted to tear him apart. I thrashed, trying to get him off me, but he was just too heavy and strong. “Calm down, Anna,” he repeated. I closed my eyes and willed myself to calm, but all I could see was Carter. I didn’t realise I was crying until he wiped my tears away tenderly. “Shh, it’s okay, Baby Girl,” he whispered, sitting up and pulling me onto his lap, rocking me gently. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed onto his shoulder. “You did great, Anna. That was really impressive, you definitely kicked ass,” he said, rubbing my back.

When I was finally in control of my emotions, I sniffed loudly and pulled back to look at him. His eyes were sparkling with excitement as they locked onto mine. A flash of red caught my eye so I looked down at his mouth, seeing that his lip was bleeding a little.

I gasped, reaching out to touch it hesitantly. “Holy shit, Ashton. I’m so sorry,” I mumbled weakly.

He shook his head dismissively. “It’s fine. It was worth it to see you fight like that. You fight like an alley cat on speed,” he replied, grinning at me proudly.

I burst out laughing at his randomness. “An alley cat on speed? Where the heck did that come from?” I pulled my T-shirt up and dabbed his bottom lip with it to stop it from bleeding. My face was inches from his and I could feel the desire building inside me. I pulled my T-shirt away from his mouth. The bleeding had stopped, but there was a small cut there. Wanting to somehow take the pain away, I bent my head and kissed it gently. He made a moaning sound in his throat that made my insides quiver as he kissed me back immediately. His arm tightened on me, holding me securely on his lap as his other hand tangled into my hair.

The way he kissed me made my whole body tingle; it was so passionate, yet so soft and tender at the same time. It was perfect.

His mouth left mine only to kiss my neck instead. Digging my fingers into his shoulders, I pressed myself to him, loving the heat that emanated from his skin. My heart was flying as the sensations were taking over. Something was pulling at the edges of my subconscious, a thought or feeling, but I was trying my best to ignore it and just enjoy his attention and the feel of his mouth on my skin. But something was most definitely telling me that this was wrong and that I shouldn’t be doing this... Jack.

I gasped, jerking back out of his lap, pushing myself awkwardly to my feet as I shook my head, horrified with myself once again. I needed to leave, I needed to get away, this couldn’t keep happening.

“Anna?”

I shook my head, turning on my heel to leave, but he jumped up and blocked my path to the door, holding up his hands in protest.

“No! Tell me what’s wrong. Let me in, please? I swear I won’t hurt you! I swear.” He was giving me the puppy dog face, begging me with his eyes.

“I can’t,” I answered, shaking my head as my eyes overflowed with tears. “I’m sorry. I’m still in love with Jack, and I can’t do this.”

He stepped forward, catching my face between his hands, tilting my head up so I had to meet his eyes. “I know you still love him, and that’s okay, but if you could let me in, maybe, in time, I could make you love me too.”

I tried not to react to his pleading tone. I knew that if I let him in like he asked then he would break my heart; there was no doubt in my mind about that. And I just couldn’t stand any more heartbreak. His mouth inched towards mine again, so I pulled my face out of his hands and gulped, trying to find the right words.

“Look, Ashton, you’re really hot, and that’s all there is to it. I just wanted your body, I don’t want you. I don’t want anyone apart from my Jack,” I replied confidently, maybe even a little harshly.

His forehead creased with a frown. “Your Jack died, Anna. You can’t have him.”

I gasped at his insensitivity. “Don’t you dare talk about him again! I’m serious. And if you ever touch me more than necessary for your job, Agent Taylor, I will have you transferred, and it won’t be to the stupid front line either!” I spat.