Nothing Left to Lose

He stepped back, running a hand through his hair just like Jack used to do. “Not seen you in ages. You should come around more,” he stated.

Tears welled in my eyes because even his voice was similar to his brother’s. He looked so much like Jack that I could barely stand to look at him, yet at the same time, I couldn’t look away. My grief was threatening to crush me. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could look at him without either throwing myself at him and begging him to hold me, or sobbing until I couldn’t breathe.

Pam set her hand on my arm. “Anna, did you get my text? We’d love to have you over for dinner or something before you go back to school. We miss you at the house,” she cooed, squeezing my arm gently.

I swallowed a couple of times, scrambling to come up with an answer to that. “Um… I’m not sure if I’m going to get time. We’re leaving in a couple of days, and there’s a lot to do before college.” I turned and motioned to Ashton. “This is Ashton. Ashton, this is Pamela and Michael Roberts,” I introduced weakly, praying that no one noticed that my hands were shaking.

Ashton shook hands with them both and exchanged pleasantries when suddenly his cell phone rang again in his pocket. “Sorry. Excuse me,” he apologised, turning to answer it. He turned back a few seconds later. “I’m really sorry, Anna, but we have to get going. There are some things I need to pick up on our way back to the house,” he instructed.

I’d never been more grateful for a phone call in my life. I couldn’t hold myself together much longer. I was struggling to keep the panic and horror from seeping into my voice as I talked to them. Soon I would break down, and I didn’t want Pam to have to witness it.

After exchanging goodbyes and promising that I’d try to make time to visit them before going to school the following week, I let Ashton lead me along and out of the emergency exit of the mall.

I gulped in the fresh air greedily as the tears finally made their appearance. Ashton’s face was a mask of worry and sympathy as he gripped my hand and tugged me across the parking lot towards where we’d parked.

By the time we were almost at the car, I couldn’t walk any further and my legs gave out on me. I slumped down to the floor, sobbing against the asphalt. Ashton’s arms slipped under me, lifting me and carrying me the rest of the way. He climbed in the car, still holding me against his chest as he set me in his lap.

Feeling needy and almost desperate for comfort, I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed on his shoulder until I was almost sick. The whole time he just stroked my back and rocked me gently.

After about ten minutes, my tears had dried up so all I was left with was the hitched breathing and the blocked nose. I swiped angrily at my face, wiping the last of my tears. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, my voice hoarse from all the crying.

“He looked like him, didn’t he?” he replied sadly. I nodded, biting my bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. “Whoa! Careful,” he scolded, grabbing a Kleenex and dabbing it on my lip gently.

I pushed his hand away. “We’d better get going if we have some stuff to pick up,” I said quietly, my voice still hitching from the last spasms of my sobs.

“We don’t have anything to pick up; I just said that so we could leave. You looked like you didn’t have much longer in you, and we made it just in time,” he explained, grimacing.

“Well, who called you?” I asked, confused.

“No one. I used the self-ringer,” he replied, smiling grimly.

Oh God, he did that to get me out of there before I broke down in front of everyone? I wrapped my arms around his neck again and hugged him gratefully. “Thank you,” I whispered. It meant a lot to me that he would do that; I would have hated myself if I’d broken down in front of Jack’s mom like I had in front of Ashton. He smelled so good that I didn’t want to let go yet, so I buried my face into the side of his neck and closed my eyes, enjoying being close to someone for the first time in over three years.

“It’s my job to take care of you, isn’t it?” he replied softly, hugging me back.

“Yeah, for as long as you’re here,” I croaked. Now he’d seen the real me, the crying, weak and hysterical girl, he’d be requesting that transfer any day now.

He sighed, tightening his arms on my waist. “Anna, I won’t leave you like the others, I promise. Even after my assignment’s done, I’ll still be there if you need me.”

“Yeah, okay,” I replied sarcastically. Everybody left eventually; I’d just hardened myself so that it didn’t matter anymore.

I lifted my head off his shoulder so I could look at him, but I didn’t move from his lap. I just sat there, soaking up the comfort and support that he provided, loving being close to someone again and having something else to think about, other than the gaping hole that was where my heart used to be. He smiled, and I just looked into his beautiful, green eyes. They were like an emerald green colour, flecked with both a lighter green and a hazel brown. They were easily the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen in my life. I dragged my gaze over his face, taking in every perfect inch of it – the line of his jaw, and the curve of his lip. His breath was blowing across my face and the hair on the nape of my neck prickled. The car seemed to be getting hotter, the air growing thicker somehow. I could feel the heat and desire coursing up through my veins and I gulped as my body started to tingle in places that hadn’t wanted anyone since Jack. I was longing for him to lean in and press those soft-looking lips against mine.