Nothing Left to Lose

His body tensed too, and he pulled out of me, moaning into my mouth as he found his release too.

I gasped, and my eyes fluttered closed again as my head tipped back lifelessly against the hard, wooden post he was pinning me against. A tired smile twitched at the corner of my mouth as I looked back at him, seeing that his eyes were shining with passion as he brushed my wet hair back gently.

I wanted so very much to tell him that I loved him, but I couldn’t. Instead, I swallowed the words, knowing that if I said them, it would ruin everything and that he would run away from me as fast as his legs would carry him. I needed him now; I needed him in my life, so I knew I couldn’t risk confessing my feelings for him. I was just content in making him happy, and giving him what he wanted. I would take as much as he would give, for as long as he was willing to give it for.

Tears welled in my eyes as the vulnerability of being in love again overwhelmed me. Questions consumed me, worries, insecurities, fears; all of it surfaced and actually terrified me to the very core. How could I possibly have let this happen? How could I have given this boy the power to kill me? What would I do if something happened to him now? I would be lost.

A frown pulled at his forehead as he cupped my cheek in his hand and brushed his thumb under my eye, wiping away the tear that must have leaked out.

I forced a smile, knowing that he was probably worried that he’d upset me again. “That was perfect, Ashton. It was honestly the most beautiful and special thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you,” I whispered, praying that my words wouldn’t scare him away from me. I leant forward, pressing my forehead against his as I tightened my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.

I would remember this moment forever. It would always be the best thing that had ever happened to me. He bent his head and kissed the tears from my cheeks, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to, I knew that he didn’t love me like I loved him, and that was okay. As long as I could make him happy in a small way, even for a little while, I would do whatever it took.

He held me close to him, pressing me against the wooden post gently while treading water for ages, but it still wasn’t long enough. Neither of us had said a word since I said about how perfect it was. When he pushed us away from the post and swam for the stairs, still holding me close to his chest, I smiled and wrapped my legs tightly around his waist. He strode effortlessly out of the water, carrying me over to one of the sun loungers on our terrace before lying down at my side. There was a strange look on his face, almost like he was trying hard to think of something to say, or to stop himself from saying something. Maybe he didn’t want to ruin the moment, just like I didn’t.

Sighing contentedly, I combed my fingers through his hair. My mind drifted to the little girl that I’d once dreamt of, the one with the exact same shade of hair as his. I wanted that dream to be real so badly. I wanted that little girl with him, and the way he looked at me so tenderly as he’d walked across the grass to me. But I knew I couldn’t have it. Ashton would never want anything serious, what he wanted was the physical stuff and nothing more.

The solution was simple. I wouldn’t tell him how I felt, and I wouldn’t let him into my heart any more than he already was. Deep down I knew I needed to be careful and guard myself a little more because otherwise he would crush me completely. I couldn’t let myself build a life with him, only to have him leave me in four months to go back to Los Angeles. Even as the thought formed in my mind, I knew I was only fooling myself. My whole world revolved around him already and always had done since the first time I saw him, but I’d refused to see it. Even my parents had seen it. Now I understood the knowing smiles and the little looks that they gave each other – they could see what I refused to see, that I was falling for him hook, line and sinker. I’d never even stood a chance.

As my eyes met his again, my whole body started longing for him immediately. The way his sensuous lips curved up reminded me of the little smile that had graced his lips while he’d made love to me in the water. My skin was tingling all over as my finger traced the line of his jaw before trailing down his neck. This was such a nice position to be in, that part of me didn’t want to move, but another part, the playful side that he brought out in me, was urging me on.

“I’m gonna go get in the shower. Want to come and wash my back?” I asked, raising one eyebrow in clear invitation.

His eyes flashed with excitement as he nodded eagerly, so I knew we would be on the same wavelength. Ashton never was slow on the uptake. “Hell yeah I do.” I giggled at his enthusiasm and pushed myself out of his arms quickly, running for the door as I grinned over my shoulder, knowing he would follow me. He laughed wickedly as he pushed himself up too. “I do enjoy the sight of you running naked, Baby Girl.” My excitement bumped up another level as he jumped to his feet and gave chase.

Chapter Thirty-Five

After an exhausting shower with him, I quickly dried my hair and pulled on a short, yellow sun dress and some white flip-flops. When I glanced over at him, I internally swooned because of how handsome he looked. He was merely wearing a pair of beige shorts and a white T-shirt, but he was just so captivating that it took my breath away.

“You ready, Baby Girl?” he asked, holding out a hand to me. I nodded and took his hand, allowing him to pull me up from the dresser chair. “You look so beautiful, Anna,” he whispered as he bent his head and kissed me. My body reacted immediately to his touch, so I pushed him away quickly before I threw him on the bed and had my way with him again.