Nothing Left to Lose

Ashton groaned and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around me and crushing me against his chest. “Please calm down, Baby Girl,” he begged, gripping his hand into the back of my hair, holding my face against his neck securely. “I’m sorry. I should have stayed and showed you I was okay. I didn’t think about that. All I could think about was my need to have you safe and as far away from trouble as possible,” he whispered, rubbing my back soothingly. As if he knew what I was doing to myself, his hand closed over mine that was pinching my inner elbow and he pulled it away, guiding my arm around his waist instead. “Stop that,” he whispered. “I’m fine, I promise. Please just breathe properly and calm down.”

“I hate you,” I mumbled against the skin of his neck.

“No, you don’t,” he whispered, pressing his mouth into my hair.

I sniffed and wrapped my arms around him tightly, letting his familiar smell fill my lungs. “I hate that I care about you,” I admitted, digging my fingers into his back and pressing myself closer to him.

He laughed quietly. “I know.” He kissed my temple softly.

I whimpered and clutched him tightly. “You’re really okay?” I asked, trying to regain control of myself.

“Yeah, I promise. I’m so sorry, I didn’t think,” he whispered. His hands traced a circle on my back as my breathing started to slow. His arms wrapped around me, lifting me off my feet as he walked to the bed and sat down on the edge, pinning me on his lap and rocking me gently. When I pulled back to look at him, he smiled sadly and wiped my tears away with his thumbs. “I hate myself for making you cry.”

I sniffed loudly as I took hold of his chin, turning his head one way and then the other, checking for bruises. “You really didn’t get hurt?” I asked, finally satisfied as I pressed my forehead against his.

“I didn’t get hurt.”

I closed my eyes, and a little whimper left my lips. “Don’t ever do that to me again. I was so worried about you. I started thinking all these terrible things, and imagining you being hurt. I couldn’t stand to see anything happen to you, Ashton. Please, don’t do that to me again,” I begged quietly.

“I won’t, I promise. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he whispered, holding me tightly, stroking my hair. He moved under me and took hold of my wrist, straightening my arm and looking down at the damaged skin on the inside of my elbow. A bruise had already formed, blood was just under the surface, and there were little scratches there oozing with blood from my nails digging into my flesh. “Jesus, Anna,” he groaned, shaking his head. “Why do you-”

“Don’t,” I interjected. I reached up and tugged on the sleeve of my shirt, covering it as best I could. I didn’t want to talk about it. I couldn’t explain to him that sometimes pain was the only thing I could control in my life, or that pain was the constant that never left me, and was the one thing that made me think about something else when all else around me crumbled.

His eyes closed and his jaw tightened as his arms looped around me again, crushing me against him. Silence lapsed over us as I just let myself relax into his embrace. My body sagged against his with relief as I rested my head against his shoulder. I was emotionally drained.

“What happened in the café?” I asked a couple of minutes later.

He lay down and rolled onto his side, holding me tightly to his chest. “I arrested them,” he said simply.

I couldn’t help but laugh. There were five guys in there, all looking to smash his face in. “You’re a badass,” I chuckled. He just smiled and kissed my nose and we just lay there for a few minutes, looking at each other in silence. It was nice just being close to him, we only really did this at night time and then we were usually trying to go to sleep. After a couple of minutes, his cell phone rang.

He laughed and shook his head. “Wow, good timing, Dean,” he grumbled, looking at the screen. He answered his phone, still holding me tightly. “Hey, what’s up?” he asked, rolling his eyes. I didn’t hear Dean’s answer, but I felt Ashton’s body jerk in response. “Really? Yep, okay, that’s fine. Yeah, in a bit. Absolutely.” He disconnected the call. His face was tight with worry, but he was trying to disguise it.

I smiled and reached out, brushing a lock of his hair back into place. “If I wasn’t allowed to hear the conversation, maybe you should have gone outside,” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes at him.

He chuckled and rolled so that he was on top of me. “Hmm, you know you’re not interested in the secret agent’s stuff,” he teased, smirking at me.

“Yep, totally boring stuff,” I confirmed, gripping his hips with my knees, stopping him from going anywhere.

He laughed and brushed my hair back from my face tenderly, smiling at me. “So, about that date… shall we say seven?”

I sighed dramatically. “Can’t you just tell me what it is now? You know I hate surprises.”

“Nope,” he answered, kissing my nose and pushing up off me.

I tightened my grip on his hips, smirking at him. “If you don’t tell me, then I’m not letting go.”

He shrugged as his emerald green eyes sparkled with mischief. “Hmm, well maybe I don’t want you to let go. This is a kind of nice position to be in,” he retorted, waggling his eyebrows.

“Pervert,” I scolded, slapping his chest as I released my grip on him.