Not Planning on You

“Um, no I didn’t, but he’s ok.”

“Come on Nick, it’s obvious you know something so just spill it. I’m not going to lose it on you.”

Nick shifted around uncomfortably on the couch, seeming to choose his words with care. “Suzy, he’s at the hospital in Charleston with Reva. She had a car accident last night and I guess Gray found out about it. My dad said she was ok, but they were keeping her for observation. I..I’m sure there is a good reason why he didn’t call to let you know,” Nick finished quietly.

Well there it was. The details might be different but the underlying cause was the same. It was Reva again that had kept her up long into the night wondering where Gray was. Suzy literally felt the life drain from her body as she sat there next to Nick. She could feel his concerned gaze on her bent head, but he wisely kept quiet.

When Suzy finally raised her head and looked at him, her expression was blank. Her eyes looked eerily vacant and her face was completely devoid of color. “Suzy….”

Shaking her head, she said, “Don’t Nick, leave it be. Weren’t you supposed to fly out this morning?”

“Yeah, but Declan is going instead. I didn’t want to leave you here alone.”

“I don’t need a babysitter Nick, but since you’re here, I could use some help this morning.”

“You got it. Let me fix us some coffee. I think Beth is on her way over.”

Suzy no longer questioned why Nick always seemed to know Beth’s whereabouts. She was just glad that they had finally called a truce and appeared to be friends now. Even though she planned to see his brother as little as possible, she did still want to see Nick. He at least had never let her down when she needed him.

Without telling Nick what she needed him for, Suzy turned and went back in the bedroom. After a quick shower she changed into a comfortable jean skirt and top and started the task of packing. She was leaving the house that had been home for the last month. There was no reason to keep fooling herself; this would never be her home. It was time to accept that Reva was a game changer in her relationship with Gray and there was nothing she could do about it. The only way she could stop herself from completely collapsing under the weight of the sorrow that threatened to drown her was to keep moving forward. If she stopped now, she’d fall apart and she wanted to be alone when that happened.

Just as she finished packing her suitcase, Beth walked in. One look at her sister’s face had her wanting to curl up in a ball and sob her heart out. She sternly said, “Beth, stop please. I’m going home this morning so please help me get packed and out of here. I don’t want to talk about this now or probably ever, ok?”

Beth quietly accepted her wishes, reaching for the handle of her suitcase and lugging it to the living room. Nick was standing there wearing his heart on his sleeve. How had she ever thought there was no depth there? He looked almost as crushed as she felt. Without a word he took the suitcase from Beth and asked, “Is this everything?”

No, my heart is lying here in the floor crushed into a million pieces. Is there any possible way you can glue it back together again before I leave? “That’s all, thanks.” With a laugh that was too brittle and loud even to her own ears, Suzy said, “One last ride for the three amigos in the mini-van. I’ll miss that sucker.”

Suddenly Nick dropped the suitcase he was holding and strode over to her. Even though his actions were angry, his words were gentle. “Suzy, just because you and Gray are having problems doesn’t mean shit where you and I are concerned. I…um think the world of you and unless you say no, I plan to still see you as much as we always have.” With a chuckle, he said, “Well except for the living together part.” Then with the wicked expression she loved so well, he finished, “Unless you’re into it, that is.”

Beth playfully slapping him on the head saved her the trouble. “Thanks, Nick, and for the record I won’t say no. You’re kind of like a bad habit that I’ve grown quite fond of and have no intention of breaking. Now could you please take me home?” Before I lose the cool façade and break down in front of you both. Please let me hang onto my pride, it’s all I have right now.

~~~

When she walked into her condo for the first time in weeks, it was almost like being in a stranger’s home. It had been slow going up the steps, but she’d made it without too much difficulty. Nick had left her suitcase in the bedroom and now he and Beth stood studying her as if unsure of what to do.

“How about we come back this evening with dinner?”

Already shaking her head, Suzy said, “Thanks, Nick, but I’d just like some time to myself. I really appreciate your help and I’ll see you both on Monday, ok?”

Both Nick and Beth began protesting at the same time. It was time for some tough love. “Guys, I love you both, I really do, but you need to go now. I’m just hanging on over here so please do as I ask.”

Beth was clearly torn as to what to do, but Nick put his hand on her back and pushed her forward. “Let’s give Suzy what she needs, princess.”

Suzy hugged them both and promised to call if she needed them. They all knew it was a call that she wouldn’t be making. Finally they were out the door and she was free to wallow in her grief.

As she sat on the couch with a box of Kleenex in her hands, she discovered something strange. No matter how much she wanted or needed to, she couldn’t make one single tear fall. She was quite simply numb. She’d stared at the walls for hours when she heard her phone ringing. Pulling it from the front of her purse, she saw Gray’s name on the caller id. She dropped the phone as if it were a snake. My God why now, why couldn’t he just quietly go away so she wouldn’t have to hear the voice that she loved so much while she was this raw.

After the fifth phone call in about that many minutes, Suzy had finally had enough. What the hell? Was he trying to torture her now? Maybe it was time to go ahead and rip the Band-Aid off quickly and get it over with. With a deep breath, Suzy finally took his next call.

She answered the phone with a simple, “Gray?”

Some part of her was happy to hear his shaky breath on the other end of the line. At least she knew that he was suffering as much as she was. “Baby, I don’t even know what to say. I missed your birthday and didn’t even call to let you know why. I…I just feel like shit over it.”

Suzy kept her voice steady and cool, refusing to let him know how much he’d hurt her. Smoke and mirrors, it was her only defense right now. “It’s fine, Gray, Nick told me about the accident. I’m sure you had more pressing things to worry about than me.”

“I was worried about Reva and the baby, yes, but it’s no excuse. By the time things calmed down at the hospital and I knew everything was ok, it was already so late. I’m so sorry. I’ve been sitting here all morning trying to work up the nerve to call you. I let you down and that’s something I swore I’d never do.”

“Gray, just stop please. You and I both know that we can’t go on pretending that things are going to be fine between us because they aren’t. This is just the first of many things that will come up. Maybe a better person could handle always coming last in your life, but I’m not that person.”

“Suzy, I love you!”

She could feel the tears that she’s been unable to shed earlier start to clog her throat, fighting for release. “I love you, too, but it’s not enough. I have to love you enough to let you go Gray. If I stay with you, it will keep tearing both of us apart. I can’t fault you for wanting to be part of your baby’s life. You wouldn’t be the man I love if you didn’t.”

Unable to hold back any longer, she sobbed, “Please love me enough to let me go too, Gray.”

She could hear the tears in Gray’s voice as he said, “My God Suzy, I don’t know if I can, you’re my heart, my life.”

“Gray,” she gasped out, “please, I can’t hurt like this anymore. If you love me, don’t call me again.” She ended the call before he could reply and the sobs erupted from her throat with such intensity that it was hard to breathe. She curled up into a ball as her world crashed around her. She knew in her heart that she’d never love again. If and when she ever got involved, no part of her heart would ever belong to another. Gray owned it until the day she died, of that she was certain.

Chapter Twenty Three

Monday morning at work found everyone walking around her on eggshells. Claire had already been down to check on her, Ella had dropped by to bring her coffee and hovered like a mother hen, Beth had been eyeing her all morning looking for signs of a break-down and even Jason had been by for small talk. When Nick stuck his head in her office, she blew out a disgusted breath. “Oh geez, do you all think I’m on suicide watch or something? Who’s coming by next to make sure Suzy hasn’t gone off the deep end?”

One thing you had to love about Nick, he wasn’t easily offended. He threw back his head and laughed. “Sorry about that, everyone is just worried about you. Don’t be surprised if Beth hides your letter opener or if your scissors have disappeared. All kidding aside, how’re you holding up kid?”

Suzy had buried the hurt so far inside of her that she was able to keep her expression blank at the obvious concern in Nick’s voice. “I’m fine, really. It’s nice of you all to worry about me, but there is no need. Gray and I were only together for a short time so it’s not as if we were married or anything.”

“Just so you know, I don’t believe a word you’re saying, but I’ll let it be. Do you want to grab a bite to eat after work today or maybe a drink?”

“Thanks Nick, but I’ve got some errands to run this evening. Rain check?”

“Sure, sounds good.” Rising from the chair, Nick looked back at her one last time as if assessing her mood and left.

Just hold it together. Soon they will all tire of asking how you are and leave you alone. Until then, keep your happy face on and don’t let any of them know how close to the edge you are.

~~~

If he didn’t know the route by heart, Gray would probably have never made it. He hadn’t slept in days and was barely hanging on. He parked his car and walked wearily to the front door, fumbling for his key. He was instantly soothed at the familiar sight of his childhood home. His mother walked out of the kitchen and handed him a whisk. “I thought I’d be seeing you soon. I have everything set up waiting, so come on in.”

Gray didn’t need to ask her what she was talking about. Every major problem in his life had been solved with his mother in the kitchen. He’d a feeling that baking a cake couldn’t fix this problem but the routine was a balm to his soul.

True to her word, the kitchen island contained bowls, a mixer and all of the ingredients to make something he could make in his sleep, red velvet cake. It had been a household favorite growing up and he’d grieved lost pets, lost loves, lost games and almost every change of life standing at that very island with a whisk in his hand.

His mother seated herself on a barstool on the other side, while he put on the apron she had left out. As he started measuring out his ingredients and then sifting them together, his mother said quietly, “I’m worried about you, baby boy.”

Looking up at the first woman to claim his heart, he snorted, “I believe Nick is the baby boy in this family, Mom.”

“Gray, you’re my first born and Nicky might be the youngest, but you will both always be my babies. No matter how old you are, how big your job is or how big your troubles are for that matter, it will never change that. “

Their conversation was temporarily interrupted as he turned on the mixer to combine his dry and wet ingredients. All too soon he had his cake batter divided into his cake pans and was placing them in the oven. After he’d cleaned up the island and placed everything in the dishwasher, he came around and pulled out a stool next to his mother. Even though he knew it wouldn’t solve anything, he needed this familiar routine as much as he needed to breathe.

Gray stared straight ahead as he said, “So I’ve really fucked this up haven’t I?”

“Gray! You know I’m far from a prude, but do we have to use the F-word before lunch-time?”

Gray snickered at his mother’s expression. “Oh, come on, Mom, Dad said you rolled it about at least five times when the dry cleaner ruined your leather jacket last month.”

With her best innocent expression, she said, “Your father’s getting senile, Gray, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

God it felt good to laugh again. When the world seemed impossible, his mother always had a way to push the clouds away even if only for a moment. Reaching over to him, she ran her fingers through his hair just as she’d done countless times before. “Grayson, you were always my serious one. I never had to worry about you getting into too much trouble because you always had a very real sense of right and wrong. Nick could shrug off anything back then, but you wanted to right every injustice even in elementary school. It breaks my heart to see you like this and not be able to help you.”