New York: Allie's War, Early Years

"Okay," I said.

"We can't," he said.

"You said that."

"I meant it. I wasn't lying..."

"Okay."

"I want to," he said. That pain briefly worsened. "Gods...I really want to, Allie..."

"I know," I told him. "I do, too." Biting my lip, I met his gaze. Quieter, I added, "...But we can't. Not only for your reasons. I can't. I get how stupid this probably sounds right now, but I have a boyfriend. We've already done a lot more than I should have..."

"It doesn't sound stupid," he said.

He was staring at my mouth again, conflict in his eyes.

My fingers were wrapped around his wrist, my other hand clutching the front of his shirt. He still held me down, his hand caught in my hair as he looked at me. His eyes were almost glassed. I found myself caressing his chest through his shirt, and he seemed to notice that, too. His eyes fell to my hands on him and he closed them again. He opened them a few beats later, and I saw that pain on his face once more.

His jaw hardened...right before he started pulling himself off me.

I watched him go, biting my lip to keep from protesting. I couldn't help looking down at him. He saw me staring at his erection and gasped, his voice turning almost harsh.

"Don't," he said. "Jesus, Allie...don't look at me like that."

I felt my own jaw harden.

"This was your idea," I reminded him.

"I know."

"You wanted to do this. You asked me."

"I know."

He retracted his body and hands from around me, moving fluidly to the opposite end of the couch. He dropped his weight back into the cushions pretty much as far away from me as he could get without changing furniture. I watched him wince as he sat, running his fingers through his hair. He faced his body towards the fire, then just sat there for a moment, looking into the flames, his hands clutched between his knees.

"I know," he repeated a moment later. His voice sounded more normal again. Taking a breath, he exhaled. "I know...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I don't normally..." He hesitated, looking at me. "...I'm sorry, Allie. About Jaden."

"It's not your fault," I said. "Are you all right?"

He gave me a wan smile.

I smiled back, then hesitated, noticing my own chest still hurt.

"What is that pain?" I said, rubbing it a little. "Do you do that?"

His gaze sharpened on mine. "You can feel that?"

"Well, yeah."

"A lot?"

"Enough," I said. "It hurts."