Needing Her

My eyes welled up with tears and my throat tightened as the crashing realization hit me that not only was I not good enough Connor Green. I wasn’t even good enough for someone like Bryce anymore. It’d been my idea to keep us in the friends-with-benefits zone. But he’d still been the only guy to ever show any type of affection toward me. The only guy to show he cared about me as something other than a sister.

“Babe, don’t cry. It’s just, like this, you look like the mistress . . . not the wife. I need you to be my wife.”

A sob burst from my chest and I slapped my hand over my mouth as I tried to pull away from his arms.

“You and I both know it’s time. It’s time for us to move forward, and it’s time for you and me to grow up. We need to stop acting like we’re still in college, and we need to look ready for the world. No one is going to take you seriously when you look like this and dress the way you do. It was one thing in school, but now—”

“Get. The fuck. Out.”

My eyes shot up past Bryce’s shoulder to see Connor standing there. His face was slowly turning red in anger.

“I swear to Christ I will break your neck if you say one more word to her.”

Bryce breathed heavily through his nose before turning his head to look over his shoulder. “Now you’re in an apartment that isn’t yours. It’s your turn to leave, we’re talking about something important.”

“Yeah, no, I heard. You can talk about it again another time when you’re not making her cry. And I’ll give you a clue if you haven’t caught on yet, she’s not crying because she’s happy.”

“You’re really starting to piss me off.”

“Go,” I choked out. “Please, go.”

One of Bryce’s arms left my waist to gesture toward the door. “You heard her.”

“You, Bryce.”

He turned back to me, his eyebrows pinched together. “What?”

“Go. Just . . . please. We’ll talk later.”

“Fine,” he huffed softly and released me. “I’ll call you tomorrow, babe. I know you have a lot to think about.”

I did. I had so much to think about, but not about what he was insinuating.

He left after a long glare directed in Connor’s direction, and once the door was shut, Connor looked at me like I’d betrayed him. He closed the distance between us and stood there watching me for a few moments before setting an Aveeno box down on the counter.

“It’s an oatmeal bath to help with the itching,” he answered my unspoken question, and looked at me sadly. Grabbing my left hand, he glanced at it for a brief second before dropping it and stepping away, his head shaking slowly back and forth. “I hope like hell you didn’t say ‘yes’ to him.”

I JOLTED AWAKE and grabbed at my phone, ringing loudly, and almost dropped it in the process of answering it.

“ ’lo?”

“Wake up, bitch! It’s the first of December, Christmas decorating day!”

I groaned and rolled over onto my back. “What time is it, Amber?”

“Who cares, and did you just groan? You don’t groan when there’s anything in your immediate future that has to do with Christmas. Get your ass out of bed. I’m coming to pick you up.”

After Connor had quickly left my apartment last night, leaving me stunned and sobbing; I’d texted Amber letting her know I wasn’t going out, and got in the tub with the Aveeno. I’d spent hours repeating everything Bryce had said, and poring over all that had happened between Connor and me in the previous forty-eight hours. None of it made sense with Connor, and half of what he did left me wanting him more, and thinking that in some insane alternate universe, I could have a chance with him. The other half had me feeling like a child, and added to Bryce’s words . . . a joke.

When my tears had stopped, an embarrassing amount of time later, I’d called Bryce and more or less told him to screw himself. That I wouldn’t marry him, and I wouldn’t change for anyone, including him. Funny thing about that is, I couldn’t help but stare at myself in the mirror for an hour after, trying to convince myself that I was happy with who I was and that I didn’t want to go back to the old Maci.

Bryce had told me to sleep on it.

“Maci!” Amber sang my name, drawing it out.

“You are not a morning person, go back to sleep!”

“Too late, I’m already on my way.”

I started to groan again, but stopped myself. “Okay, I’m up. Pick up coffee and a muffin, and I’ll blast Christmas music while I get ready, that will get me in the mood.”

“Consider it done! See you in twenty-ish.”

I hopped out of bed and ran over to my radio to turn on the Christmas station. Once it was on and the music was loud, I practically bounced around my apartment as I sang along with the songs and rushed to get ready. I checked the weather app on my phone and sighed. It was finally December, and it was still in the mid-sixties. Stupid California weather.

Once I was dressed and ready, I grabbed the box of remaining oatmeal bath packets and walked over to Connor’s door. Just before my hand grabbed the door handle, I heard a feminine laugh followed by Connor’s, and froze. Letting the box slip from my fingers, I left it in front of his door and went back to my apartment, waiting for Amber to call me. There was no way he could stand up for me the way he did, and say the things he said all day yesterday . . . especially last night . . . and me not be affected by them. Or not be upset that he had another girl, or Sadie again, in his apartment.

“You ready to get decorations, and Christmas-out our apartments?” Amber said with an excited look on her face as I got into her car.

Taking the pastry bag from her, I pulled a piece off the muffin and popped it in my mouth. “Mmm-hmm!”

“This weather sucks though, huh? It needs to be gloomy or something at least. But, no, it’s bright and sunny, barely cold enough for a hoodie. Whatever.”

I smiled to myself. That is why Amber and I were friends. “Oh well, not too much longer and we’ll be in Mammoth.”

“So excited! I can’t wait to see the snow! Well, and stay with your brothers in a cozy cabin.”

I started choking on the muffin and grabbed for my coffee to help it go down. “Seriously, Amber, gross! I’m going to tell my mom you suddenly have the bubonic plague or something, and can’t come with us.”

“Now that’s just not nice.”

“Admit it, you only love me because of my brothers.”

She shrugged and made a face at me. “It’s true.”

I laughed and cautiously put another piece of the muffin in my mouth, speaking around it. “Bitch.”

“Your favorite bitch. And don’t be all lame just because you won’t make a move with the neighbor dude.”

I paused from grabbing my coffee, and laughed sadly. “Yeah, well, like I said . . . that won’t be happening.”

Pulling out my phone, I sent Connor a text and vowed to get it through my head that he was just my older brothers’ friend, and my neighbor. Nothing more. I also told myself that the girl in his apartment this morning wouldn’t bother me, nor would any other girl after her. Nothing was about to bring down my mood today.

Connor

I ARMY-CRAWLED AFTER my nephew and scrambled away when he stopped, and obviously started making good use of his diaper.

“Ugh! Oh my God, that is—” I gagged and brought my shirt up over my mouth and nose. “How do you deal with that?”

My sister laughed loudly and waited until my nephew started crawling again before going to pick him up. “When it’s your kid, it’s different. You do it because it needs to be done.”

“No, no! God, Amy! Wait until I’m out of the room before you start changing him. You trying to kill me or something?”

“Chill, jeez. I still have to get the diaper bag and get him ready.” She walked toward me with little Ben and I practically ran to the kitchen. “It is good to see you though, Connor.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, still keeping my shirt over the bottom half of my face. “I see you every Saturday morning unless I’m working.”

“I know, but ever since that girl who—”

“Amy,” I said her name in warning.

“Ever since that girl who went back to Texas, you haven’t been the same. I don’t know what’s happened to you since you came over last week, but you’re a completely different person. You’re back to my little brother . . . well, almost.”

I shrugged, and let the hand that wasn’t holding my shirt go out before dropping back to my side. “I’m always me.”

“No, and you know what I’m talking about. Just because you think you hide it from me, doesn’t mean I don’t see it. There’s still something today, you’re not completely back yet, but it’s a huge difference.”

I nodded, not knowing what to say. I didn’t know what to think or say about there being that much of a difference when I’d thought I’d been hiding everything from her. She’d spent so much time protecting me from our bastard father when we were little that I’d been trying to protect her from any and everything ever since we’d been adopted from him. Including my own struggles. Amy had known about Cassidy, but she hadn’t known how hard it had been for me after—or apparently she had.

And I didn’t know what to do about the fact that everything she was seeing had everything to do with the girl next door.

The girl I couldn’t feel this way about.

The girl whose god-awful singing, as she blasted the Christmas music she loved so much, had Amy and me cracking up just half an hour ago.

The same girl who, just last night, might have gotten engaged to that fucking creep who did nothing but degrade her.

My phone went off in my pocket, pulling me out of the memories that were sure to piss me off all over again. Grabbing it, my eyes widened when I saw her name, and I hurried to open the text.