Melancholy

CHAPTER NINETEEN

2008 – Santana

Three months.

I’ve been here now for three months.

It’s been three months since my sister’s life was so cruelly taken.

I don’t want to go on; what’s the point? I just want to join her, taking myself out of this misery. How could Kennedy have let anything happen to her? He was supposed to take care of her. He promised . . . he . . . promised.

The pain in my soul hasn’t numbed. It hasn’t done anything but grow inside me, until taking my life is all I think about. She was the only thing I was fighting for. Without her, I have nothing. No one. I’m just an empty shell of a person, living each day because no one will let me go.

Maddox . . . he’s amazing. He takes care of me, holds me when I cry and soothes away the nightmares. He can’t bring her back, though. He got me clean, even though the days are still so hard. He gave me shelter, but it’s not home without Pippi. He gave me a friend, but that’s not something I can return.

“That’s it!”

The loud shout of a man has me turning my head towards the door to see it swing open. It’s Mack. He’s Maddox’s adopted brother, and I haven’t really had a chance to get to know him. He’s just been here helping Maddox since I came in. He’s spent a lot of time barking at Maddox to get me off my ass and stop letting me wallow.

“Get up,” he barks, charging over to the bed and taking hold of my skinny arm, hauling me up. “He might baby you, but I’m not going to. I’ve sat here and watched you wallow for fucking months, feelin’ sorry for yourself. Get your ass up, and get out and fix your fuckin’ life.”

I’m in shock for the longest moment; I just stare at him as he pulls me towards the door. Then my resistance kicks in, and I push my heels into the carpet. “No! Let me go!”

“No fuckin’ way. You’ve been sittin’ here refusin’ help for too long, now.”

“That’s how I want it to be,” I scream. “I never asked him to save me. I never asked to be here. I want to die, but none of you will let me.”

He lets me go so suddenly it scares me. I stumble a few steps before steadying myself. He spins around, taking an angry step forward while pulling his gun from his pants. He points it at me. “You want to fuckin’ die? Huh? You want to fuckin’ die?”

His eyes are two deadly daggers, shooting into my body, daring me.

“Yes!” I scream, dropping to my knees. My ratty hair falls around my face. “She was all I had. I’m nothing without her.”

“I’ll kill you, if that’s what you want. I’ll pull this trigger and put a bullet through your skull right now-”

“Yes.”

“But tell me somethin’ real before I pull this trigger. Is this what your sister would want for you? Would she want you to die for her? Would she be proud of you for letting me shoot you? Would it make your family look down on you with honor to see you on your knees, weak, pathetic, and broken . . . begging to end your life?”

I look up at him, trembling. He doesn’t understand. He’s probably never felt this kind of desperation before. Never felt the way it eats at you, burrowing into your soul and taking everything you are, crushing it until all that’s left is an empty shell.

“They wouldn’t . . . They couldn’t . . .”

“Is this how you want to honor your sister’s life?” he barks, cutting me off. His face is a mask of the worst thing a person can see—disappointment. He’s disgusted in me for letting myself get so low.

“No!” I scream, tears streaming down my face.

“You have a fuckin’ second chance that she didn’t get. You goin’ to throw it in her fuckin’ face by wastin’ it away like a fuckin’ coward?”

“Stop!” I cry, pressing my hands to my ears.

“Well?” he bellows, taking a demanding step forward and causing little whimpers to leave my throat.

“No,” I scream so loudly my voice cracks. “No . . . God . . . no.”

“That’s what you’ll be if I pull this trigger. I’ll do it, if it’s what you really want . . . or . . . or you can get off your knees and start piecin’ your life back together without the danger of the past loomin’ in every corner. Maddox has given you a home, a family, safety and comfort. You decide how you want to honor the work you’ve put into your life so far. You give it up, or you get up, take my hand, and keep fuckin’ fighting.”

I lift my head brokenly and stare up at him. He’s got the gun pointed at me with one hand, and his other hand stretched out, offering me a second chance. His words burn into my soul, they burn in a way no words have ever burned before. I have a choice. I have a choice Pippi didn’t have. It’s up to me how I choose to use it.

To go on or to end.

I reach up, curling my fingers around his. He closes his eyes for a second, breathing a sigh of relief. I’ve no doubt Mack would have shot me, if that’s what I’d have really wanted, but it would have ruined him, and he knows it. He curls his fingers around mine, too, and pulls me up. I fall into his chest, exhausted.

It’s time to piece my life back together. For Pippi.

~*~*~*~

2014 – Maddox

I throw my leg over the bike, kicking the stand down and shrugging off my jacket as I stare up at the walls of the prison. Fuckin’ huge, fuckin’ awful. Krypt pulls in close beside me with Tyke. They get off and he hands Tyke the crutches he uses when he doesn’t want to use his chair.  A shudder goes through Krypt as he stares at the place he’s more than familiar with.