Me Before You
Page 17I rolled up my sleeves and began to lather the shaving foam over his chin, all the way up to his ears. Then I hesitated, the blade over his chin. ‘Is this the moment to tell you I’ve only ever done legs before?’
He closed his eyes, and settled back. I began to scrape gently at his skin with the blade, the silence broken only by the splash as I rinsed the razor in the basinful of water. I worked in silence, studying Will Traynor’s face as I went, the lines that ran to the corners of his mouth, lines that seemed prematurely deep for his age. I smoothed his hair from the side of his face and saw the telltale tracks of stitches, perhaps from his accident. I saw the mauve shadows that told of nights and nights of lost sleep, the furrow between his brows that spoke of silent pain. A warm sweetness rose from his skin, the scent of the shaving cream, and something that was peculiar to Will himself, discreet and expensive. His face began to emerge and I could see how easy it must have been for him to attract someone like Alicia.
I worked slowly and carefully, encouraged by the fact that he seemed briefly at peace. The thought flashed by that the only time anyone ever touched Will was for some medical or therapeutic procedure, and so I let my fingers rest lightly upon his skin, trying to make the movements as far from the dehumanized briskness that characterized Nathan’s and the doctor’s interactions with him as possible.
It was a curiously intimate thing, this shaving of Will. I realized as I continued that I had assumed his wheelchair would be a barrier; that his disability would prevent any kind of sensual aspect from creeping in. Weirdly, it wasn’t working like that. It was impossible to be this close to someone, to feel their skin tauten under your fingertips, to breathe in the air that they breathed out, to have their face only inches from yours, without feeling a little unbalanced. By the time I reached his other ear I had begun to feel awkward, as if I had overstepped an invisible mark.
Perhaps Will was able to read the subtle changes in my pressure on his skin; perhaps he was just more attuned to the moods of the people around him. But he opened his eyes, and I found them looking into mine.
There was a short pause, and then he said, straight-faced, ‘Please don’t tell me you’ve shaved off my eyebrows.’
‘Only the one,’ I said. I rinsed the blade, hoping that the colour would have drained from my cheeks by the time I turned round. ‘Right,’ I said, finally. ‘Have you had enough? Won’t Nathan be here in a bit?’
‘What about my hair?’ he said.
‘You really want me to cut it?’
‘You might as well.’
‘I thought you didn’t trust me.’
He shrugged, as far as he could. It was the smallest movement of his shoulders. ‘If it will stop you moaning at me for a couple of weeks I figure it’s a small price to pay.’
‘Oh my God, your mum is going to be so delighted,’ I said, wiping a stray dob of shaving cream.
‘Yes, well, we won’t let that put us off.’
We cut his hair in the living room. I lit the fire, we put on a film – an American thriller – and I placed a towel around his shoulders. I had warned Will that I was a bit rusty, but added that it couldn’t look worse than it did already.
‘Thanks for that,’ he said.
I set to work, letting his hair slide through my fingers, trying to remember the few basics I had learnt. Will, watching the film, seemed relaxed and almost content. Occasionally he told me something about the film – what else the lead actor had starred in, where he had first seen it – and I made a vaguely interested noise (like I do with Thomas when he presents me with his toys), even though all my attention was actually focused on not mucking up his hair. Finally, I had the worst of it off, and whipped round in front of him to see how he looked.
‘Well?’ Will paused the DVD.
I straightened up. ‘I’m not sure I like seeing this much of your face. It’s a bit unnerving.’
‘Feels cold,’ he observed, moving his head from left to right, as if testing the feel of it.
I was in the bedroom, going through his drawers in search of a small mirror, when I heard the door. Two sets of brisk footsteps, Mrs Traynor’s voice, lifted, anxious.
‘Georgina, please don’t.’
The door to the living room was wrenched open. I grabbed the mirror and ran out of the room. I had no intention of being found absent again. Mrs Traynor was standing in the living-room doorway, both hands raised to her mouth, apparently witnessing some unseen confrontation.
‘You are the most selfish man I ever met!’ a young woman was shouting. ‘I can’t believe this, Will. You were selfish then and you’re worse now.’
‘Georgina.’ Mrs Traynor’s gazed flicked towards me as I approached. ‘Please, stop.’
I walked into the room behind her. Will, the towel around his shoulders, hair in soft brown fronds at the wheels of his chair, was facing a young woman. She had long dark hair, pinned into a messy knot at the back of her head. Her skin was tanned, and she was wearing expensively distressed jeans and suede boots. Like Alicia, her features were beautiful and regular, her teeth the astonishing white of a toothpaste commercial. I knew they were because, her face puce with anger, she was still hissing at him. ‘I can’t believe it. I can’t believe you would even think of it. What do you –’
‘Please. Georgina.’ Mrs Traynor’s voice lifted sharply. ‘This is not the time.’
Will, his face impassive, was staring straight ahead of him at some unseen point.
‘Um … Will? Do you need any help?’ I said, quietly.
‘Who are you?’ she said, whipping round. It was then that I saw her eyes were filled with tears.
‘Georgina,’ Will said. ‘Meet Louisa Clark, my paid companion and shockingly inventive hairdresser. Louisa, meet my sister, Georgina. She appears to have flown all the way from Australia to shriek at me.’
‘Don’t be facile,’ Georgina said. ‘Mummy told me. She’s told me everything.’
Nobody moved.
‘Shall I give you a minute?’ I said.
‘That would be a good idea.’ Mrs Traynor’s knuckles were white on the arm of the sofa.
I slid out of the room.
‘In fact, Louisa, perhaps now would be a good time to take your lunch break.’
It was going to be a bus shelter kind of a day. I grabbed my sandwiches from the kitchen, climbed into my coat and set off down the back path.
As I left, I could hear Georgina Traynor’s voice lifting inside the house. ‘Has it ever occurred to you, Will, that believe it or not, this might not be just about you?’
He turned as he saw me. ‘How you doing?’
‘Has she gone?’
‘Who?’
‘The sister?’
He glanced behind him. ‘Ah. That who it was? Yeah, she’s gone. Just skidding off in her car when I got here. Some sort of family row, was it?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I was in the middle of cutting Will’s hair and this woman came in and just started having a go at him. I assumed it was another girlfriend.’
Nathan shrugged.
I realized he would not be interested in the personal minutiae of Will’s life, even if he knew.
‘He’s a bit quiet, though. Nice work with the shave, by the way. Good to get him out from behind all that shrubbery.’
I walked back into the living room. Will was sitting staring at the television, which was still paused at the exact moment I had left it.
‘Do you want me to turn this back on?’ I said.
He didn’t seem to hear me for a minute. His head was sunk in his shoulders, the earlier relaxed expression replaced by a veil. Will was closed off again, locked behind something I couldn’t penetrate.
He blinked, as if he had only just noticed me there. ‘Sure,’ he said.
I was carrying a basket of washing down the hall when I heard them. The annexe door was slightly ajar and the voices of Mrs Traynor and her daughter carried down the long corridor, the sound coming in muted waves. Will’s sister was sobbing quietly, all fury gone from her voice now. She sounded almost childlike.
‘There must be something they can do. Some medical advance. Can’t you take him to America? Things are always improving in America.’
‘Your father keeps a very close eye on all the developments. But no, darling, there is nothing … concrete.’
‘He’s so … different now. It’s like he’s determined not to see the good in anything.’
‘He’s been like that since the start, George. I think it’s just that you didn’t see him apart from when you flew home. Back then, I think he was still … determined. Back then, he was sure that something would change.’
I felt a little uncomfortable listening in on such a private conversation. But the odd tenor drew me closer. I found myself walking softly towards the door, my socked feet making no sound on the floor.
‘What?’
‘Daddy found him. Back in December. It was … it was terrible.’
Even though this only really confirmed what I had guessed, I felt all the blood drain from me. I heard a muffled cry, a whispered reassurance. There was another long silence. And then Georgina, her voice thick with grief, spoke again.
‘The girl … ?’
‘Yes. Louisa is here to make sure nothing like that happens again.’
I stopped. At the other end of the corridor, from the bathroom, I could hear Nathan and Will talking in a low murmur, comfortably oblivious to the conversation that was going on just a few feet away. I took a step closer to the door. I suppose I had known it since I caught sight of the scars on his wrists. It made sense of everything, after all – Mrs Traynor’s anxiety that I shouldn’t leave Will alone for very long, his antipathy to having me there, the fact that for large stretches of time I didn’t feel like I was doing anything useful at all. I had been babysitting. I hadn’t known it, but Will had, and he had hated me for it.
I reached for the handle of the door, preparing to close it gently. I wondered what Nathan knew. I wondered whether Will was happier now. I realized I felt, selfishly, a faint relief that it hadn’t been me Will objected to, just the fact that I – that anyone – had been employed to watch over him. My thoughts hummed so busily that I almost missed the next snatch of conversation.
‘You can’t let him do this, Mum. You have to stop him.’
‘It’s not our choice, darling.’
‘But it is. It is – if he’s asking you to be part of it,’ Georgina protested.
The handle stilled in my hand.
‘I can’t believe you’re even agreeing to it. What about your religion? What about everything you’ve done? What was the point in you even bloody saving him the last time?’
Mrs Traynor’s voice was deliberately calm. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘But you’ve said you’ll take him. What does –’
‘Do you think for a moment that if I said I refuse, he wouldn’t ask someone else?’
‘But Dignitas? It’s just wrong. I know it’s hard for him, but it will destroy you and Daddy. I know it. Think of how you would feel! Think of the publicity! Your job! Both your reputations! He must know it. It’s a selfish thing to even ask. How can he? How can he do this? How can you do this?’ She began to sob again.