Man and Maid

I have been through torture this week--The new man wrenches my shoulder

each day, it will become straight eventually, he says. They have tried

to fit the false leg also, so those two things are going on, but the

socket is not yet well enough for anything to be done to my left eye--so

that has defeated them. It will be months before any real improvement

takes place.

There are hundreds of others who are more maimed than I--in greater

pain--more disgusting--does it give them any comfort to tell the truth

to a journal?--or are they strong enough to keep it all locked up in

their hearts?--I used to care to read, all books bore me now--I cannot

take interest in any single thing, and above all, I loathe myself--My

soul is angry.

Nina came again, to luncheon this time. It was pouring with rain, an

odious day. She told me of her love affairs--as a sister might--Nina a

sister!

She can't make up her mind whether to take Jim Bruce or Rochester

Moreland, they are both Brigadiers now, Jim is a year younger than she

is.

"Rochester is really more my mate, Nicholas," she said, "but then there

are moments when I am with him when I am not sure if he would not bore

me eventually, and he has too much character for me to suppress--Jim

fascinates me, but I only hold him because he is not sure of me--If I

marry him he will be, and then I shall have to watch my looks, and

remember to play the game all the time, and it won't be restful--above

all, I want rest and security."

"You are not really in love with either, Nina?"

"Love?" and she smoothed out the fringe on her silk jersey with her

war-hardened hand--the hand I once loved to kiss--every blue vein on

it!--"I often, wonder what really is love, Nicholas--I thought I loved

you before the war--but, of course, I could not have--because I don't

feel anything now--and if I had really loved you, I suppose it would not

have made any difference."

Then she realized what she had said and got up and came closer to me.

"That was cruel of me, I did not mean to be--I love you awfully as a

sister--always."

"Sister Nina!--well, let us get back to love--perhaps the war has killed

it--or it has developed everything, perhaps it now permits a sensitive,

delicious woman like you to love two men."

"You see, we have become so complicated"--she puffed smoke rings at

me--"One man does not seem to fulfill the needs of every mood--Rochester

would not understand some things that Jim would, and vice versa--I do

not feel any glamour about either, but it is rest and certainty, as I

told you, Nicholas, I am so tired of working and going home to Queen

Street alone."