Lunar Park
Page 38“That is such bullshit,” she said, laughing.
“Look, I’m trying to trigger a sexual response in you, so why aren’t you convulsing with pleasure?”
She relaxed as I stood up, and we kissed again. I became lost in her once more. “God, what are you wearing?” I murmured. “That smell, it takes me back.”
“To where?”
I was licking her mouth. “Just, like, back. The past. I’m reexperiencing my whole adolescence.”
“Just with this lip gloss?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “It’s like those little tangerines in Proust.”
“You mean madeleines.”
“Yeah, like those little tangerines.”
“How . . . did you get this job?”
“Shapely legs.” I was feeling her stomach again, pulling gently on the ring piercing her navel. “Can I get one of those too? We can have matching navel rings. Wouldn’t that be cool?”
“Are you talking about my six-pack?”
“I think I’m talking about your, um, keg.”
“You’re very sexy, baby, but I’m equally hot.”
And then, as usual, it stopped. This time it was mutual. She had places to go, and I had to print out a dream and head over to Dr. Kim’s.
While we were getting ready to leave the office, Aimee said something.
“That boy who was in here earlier . . .”
“Yeah. Do you know him?”
She paused. “No, but he looked familiar.”
“Yeah, I thought so too. Did you see him at the party last night?” I asked, while the printer started cranking out my assignment.
“I’m not sure, but he reminded me of someone.”
“Um, Bret, I have news for you: you were so wasted I don’t think you could have recognized anybody by the time that party hit full force.”
I shrugged, slipped the dream into my jacket and picked up a few stories students had left in the bin by my door. It was quiet. Aimee was thinking about something else while she lit a cigarette.
“Yeah? What is it?” I asked. “I’m gonna be late.”
“It’s weird you said Patrick Bateman,” she said.
“Why?”
“Because I thought he looked a little like Christian Bale.”
We were both silent for a long time, because Christian Bale was the actor who had played Patrick Bateman in the film version of American Psycho.
“But he also looked like you,” Aimee said. “Give or take twenty years.”
I started shivering again.
Back in the parking lot, the cream-colored 450 SL was no longer there.
6. the shrinks
Since I was late I drove instead of walking over to the building housing the practices of Dr. Kim and our couples counselor, Dr. Faheida. Unfolding my dream I raced into the lobby and bumped into a woman exiting the elevator. I was staring at my dream, feeling like a child about to be tested, when she stepped aside and said, “Hello, Bret.” I looked up and stared into the woman’s face: gaunt, midforties, vaguely Spanish, dark wispy hair, a crooked smile. Holding an armful of folders and books, she stood there patiently as I squinted at her, assessing who she was.
It took a moment before I realized.
“Ah, Dr. Fajita. How are you?” I said, relieved.
She paused slightly. “It’s Dr. Fe-hay-da.”
“Dr. Fe-hay-da,” I mimicked. “Yes, and how are you?”
“I’m fine. Will I be seeing you and your wife next week?”
“Yes, and this time we’ll both be there,” I promised.
“That’s good. See you then.” She slowly shuffled off as I hopped into the elevator.
The couples counseling had started due to the lack of sex in our marriage. This was, admittedly, my problem, and the guilt I felt led me to follow Jayne to Dr. Faheida. Even when I first arrived in July we were having sex only once a week, though Jayne kept trying to initiate it more regularly. But she was being turned down so often that she soon quit trying. And I couldn’t figure out where this lack of interest on my part was coming from. Jayne—whom I was once so highly attracted to that she’d complained about the frequency of sex—resembled something new to me now, something other than the hot girlfriend. She was the wife, the mother, my savior. But how did that begin to constitute a celibate relationship? (“Ah yes, how indeed?” the dark voice in the back of my mind whispered frequently.) I simply blamed it on whatever convenient lie I came up with when we were lying in the massive bed in the darkened bedroom, the door locked, the curtains drawn, my softened penis lying immobile against my thigh: exhaustion, stress, the novel, the natural ebb and flow of desire, the antidepressants I was on; I even hinted about sexual scars from my childhood. She kept checking her resentment. I held in my shame but not enough to make her feel guiltless about questioning my manhood, to the point where she felt bad about forcing the issue. She kept asking if I still found her attractive—which I did, I kept assuring her. I was proud to have Jayne Dennis as my wife. Millions of men found her image magnetically sexual. She was a young and popular movie star. Yet, mysteriously, sex had become mundane and increasingly rare between us. I no longer had the hard-on for her that I once did, and tried to soothe her with vague generalities I’d picked up on Oprah. “Is sex more important than our kids or our careers, Jayne?” I asked one night. “I think we have it pretty good.” She sighed in the darkness. “Just because the sex isn’t here now doesn’t mean you aren’t,” I said gently (that was the first night I slept in the guest room). And so in counseling with our “marriage educator,” theories were tossed around. Maybe it was the deterioration of my testosterone levels. But I was tested and the levels were normal. I started taking daily herbal supplements. We opted out on Viagra since I had a mitral valve prolapse—a slight heart condition that the drug could agitate. Other options included Levitra and Cialis—But I’m not impotent! I wanted to scream. However I was “value neutral.” I couldn’t grasp “shared commitment.” I was the master of “negative communication.” I had helped create an “unstable union.” I needed to develop “collaborative alliances.” I only offered “counterproposals.” I was accused of “cutting deals.” (Jayne was the one intent on “separation avoidance,” even though she admitted to having a problem with “self-differentiation.”) We were told to get a babysitter, leave provocative notes for each other, pretend we were still dating, check into a hotel, plan for intimacy, schedule intercourse. But by the end of September our sexual relationship was in major gridlock, and that was when I realized why. The thing that was causing it now had a name: Aimee Light. According to Jayne, the “most amazingly sad aspect” of our marriage was that she still loved me.