Love Unrehearsed

I wished I could hush his sadness by kissing his skin. “We’ll have beautiful babies . . .

when we’re meant to bring them into the world. I promise.”

He tapped the tip of his finger lightly on my tummy, seeming to disagree. “That was our first and I took that from you. My career”—he sneered as if the word was dirty—“took that from us.”

I tipped his chin up, aching from seeing him look so lost. “No. Stop, Ryan. Things happen for a reason. Things that you have no control over. We would have managed, but we weren’t ready for a baby. We need to be strong together before we bring a child into this world. What happened to me—you can’t take that on your shoulders. You can’t. I won’t let you.”

Ryan disagreed again, stuck in something powerful. “There was so much blood when you lost the pregnancy. I thought you were dying on me.” He bit into his bottom lip while his eyes got watery.

“I’m here.” I nuzzled his hand. “I’m right here, baby.”

He stared at my thigh, tracing an invisible line with his fingertip. “Sometimes I forget how strong you are. Resilient may be a better word. Life keeps throwing you punches and no matter what, you keep getting back up.” I laced our fingers together. “That’s because I have something worth fighting for.

You. A promise of forever. You make me want to be stronger.”

He snorted and squirmed underneath me.

“That’s because I’m doing such a bang-up job keeping you safe. What a great job I’ve done.”

I clutched his neck and pressed his shoulders back into the couch. “Stop it. Don’t say that. I have never felt as protected and cared for as I have by you.” His head swayed, defeated.

“You’re letting them win.”

I combed my hands through his hair, tugging until I had his eyes back on me. I took his mouth with desperate longing, kissing him as if I could break the wicked spell that was pulling him under. “Fight with me,” I breathed on his lips, which seemed to refuse me passion. “Please, baby. I can’t do this without you. I need you. I need you.” His jaw tensed as the pain he’d been holding in so tightly finally cracked. A soft sob slid up his throat. “I’m so tired, Taryn,” he croaked, his voice stuttering from trying to keep it in check. But the hurt had nowhere else to go except out. “So tired. All I do is bring us pain.”

A tear slid down his cheek. And then another. I knew it was killing him to show me this much weakness but it all needed to be purged, excised from his system like a soul-sucking demon. Seeing him cry was my undoing. He’d finally succumbed to the pressure and that made me mad.

“No you do not! You are the love of my life and my best friend! No matter what life throws at us, we take the good with the bad, Ryan—the good with the bad. We roll with it because that’s how we roll.” He pulled me down to his chest, clutching me as if he needed me to get his air back.

I held his head while he buried his face in my neck. “Oh, babe. We’ll get through this.

Honey, you know how to fix this. You stopped taking your medicine.” He frowned, sniffing. “I’m not taking shit, Tar. No pills.”

“Ryan, you’ve tossed your body into confusion. You can’t just suddenly stop taking them.”

“Pills to cope . . . What’s next? Pills to sleep? Pills to keep awake? That’s a sure way to die. You know how much I hate that shit, Tar!”

I held his face in my hands. “Ryan, look at me. I did a lot of research when the doctor put me on antidepressants after the accident.

My situation was temporary. You’ve suffered from anxiety attacks for a long time, even before all of this. It’s when you stop taking them that your system gets out of whack.” Resistance to that slipped over his face. “I don’t want to rely on drugs, Tar. I don’t.” I wiped his cheeks with my thumbs, eras-ing the physical evidence of his stress.

“Doesn’t matter. You need them. You need to regulate the serotonin. It’s not a sign of weakness, Ryan. And it doesn’t make you any less of a man. It’s a body imbalance, that’s all. There’s no shame in that.” He closed his eyes. “I tried to work through it on my own but I feel like I can’t shake it. It’s like a never-ending loop. Seeing the disappointment on my father’s face when they put me in that squad car; I know it broke his heart. I did that to him. Me.” Ryan

rubbed his palm over the center of his breast plate. “It presses in on me, right here. Like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe.”

“I know, but we can change that. You don’t have an addictive bone in your body, Ryan. You need to take one little pill to regulate your body chemistry. That’s all.”

“Okay,” he whispered, conceding. “I’ll start taking them again. I can’t live like this.”

“I’ll make an appointment for you to see my doctor. We’ll get your smile back. I promise.”

It was Monday. We’d been back in Seaport for two weeks when my birth father called again. Ryan, Mike, Marie, and I were at Seaport’s Sandy Cove Beach enjoying the hot weather and gorgeous day. Ryan and Mike were tossing a football back and forth while from the comforts of our beach chairs Marie and I enjoyed the incredible sights of them shirtless and tan.

It was pure elation seeing Ryan smiling and having a great time. It was like he’d been totally rejuvenated. He was on new medication for hypothyroidism, and the differences were almost night and day.

I waved at Ryan to come over.

He opened the cooler lid, grabbed two bottles of ice-cold water, tossed one at Mike, and used the cooler as a seat. “What’s up?”

“I just talked to Joe.”

Ryan pushed his sunglasses up on his head, looking at me quizzically. “And?”

“He’d like us to come out to Lake Tahoe.” He made that audible exhale noise, seeming none too pleased with that idea. “I don’t know.”

Okay, so he wasn’t even in the same ball-park with my enthusiasm. We had a silent standoff until Ryan said, “I’ve got to be honest. I’m not seeing the benefit here. The man hasn’t been in your life at all and I’m inclined to keep it that way.” I was momentarily distracted watching Mike, who was holding his hand out for Marie. I felt my heart flutter just from the look he wore on his face. He tugged her up from her chair and, without saying a word, walked off with her as if she were a prize, holding her hand as he did. I couldn’t help but fall in love watching them enjoying each other, walking in the surf, bumping into each other, Marie gripping on to his muscular arm with both hands. Her beaming up at him and him beaming right back. It was like watching the best part of a love story.