Love Unrehearsed

“Do I need to have a talk with him about showing his heinie in public?” I giggled. “Can you take me in the big water now?”

“That’s two points for us,” Dad said proudly, shifting me on his hip to retrieve one of the metal U’s.

I patted his cheek. “Daddy?” He smiled his toothy grin at me and I knew I had him. “In a minute, sweetheart.

Daddy and Uncle All need to mop up Uncle Andy and Bean Man over there first. You don’t go anywhere near that lake without Mommy or Daddy. Understand? You stay here where I can see you.”

I watched Uncle All drink from the brown glass bottle, tilting it far into the sky to get every last drop. “Hey, Taryn?” Uncle All called. “Would you do me a big, big favor?

Would you throw this away in the garbage and get me and your, um, daddy new bottles from the garage? You can be our special helper.”

Happiness swirled inside me as I ran. I wanted to be the best special helper in the world.

It was cooler in the big gray garage than out in the hot sun. I dug my hands into the chilly coldness of the little squares of ice in the bucket, sneaking one into my mouth like Daddy does. It made my teeth hurt but it felt wonderful on my tongue. They were like special, secret candies that turned into water.

And I had a whole pile of them to enjoy.

“Hey! What are you doing in there?” The voice shook me hard and I immediately dropped the ice cube. I had been caught. I almost wanted to cry.

Joey. I recognized him right away, although he still frightened me when he yelled.

His hair was the same color as my bedroom at night and it covered his eyes, but his teeth were really white. I wondered if he knew the monsters that lived under my bed.

“You are way too young to drink, young lady,” he said sternly. Joey walked a little funny. Like one leg didn’t work right. He took the brown bottle out of my hand and put it back in the ice. I wanted to ask him if his mommy painted his fingernails black like that. I thought boys didn’t wear nail polish.

Crouching down in front of me, he pinched the wet strand of hair that hung over my eye and placed it behind my ear.

“You are so beautiful.” He sighed. His eyes crinkled with happiness. “Just like your mommy.” I beamed proudly. My mommy was beautiful.

“And look. You’re already losing some teeth. How old are you now?” I held out my hand and spread my fingers proudly, remembering to tuck in my thumb.

Joey sat down on the floor and crossed his legs. “Wow. Four. You are getting so big and so smart. God, I wish your mommy was here to see you. She’d be so happy. You have her hair and looks, you know.”

I felt my eyes scrunch. My mommy’s hair was brown, like the crayon I used to color dirt and trees. Not sunny buttercup yellow like mine.

He leaned in closer. “Can you keep a secret? Just between us?”

Maybe Special Secret Helpers had secrets, too.

“You and I have the same-color eyes. See?” Joey’s eyes were deep blue, like the color of the sky outside behind the puffy cotton clouds.

He looked sad, which made me sad. “I wish you had a chance to see your mommy again. But unfortunately, you can’t.” I didn’t like that. I wanted to run to her now. “Why not?”

“Because,” he exhaled, rough and hard, “your real mommy lives in heaven with the angels.”

Now I really wanted to cry. And get mad.

“No she doesn’t. My mommy is over there.” Joey was looking right in my eyes. “Listen to me. Your mommy’s name is . . . was . . . Kelcie. And she loved you very much. But . . .”

I wondered which cloud in the sky was heaven.

“Damn, I wish I had more time. I wish . . . I don’t know when I’ll get to see you again,” Joey said softly.

“Why?”

“Do you know what the army is?” I nodded and scratched my nose. “Are they going to paint you green?” Green might be better for him than black. It’s the color of grass.

Joey smiled and laughed. “No. But I’ll have to wear special clothes and all of this will be cut off.” He ran his hand through his dark hair. “Maybe you could write to me while I’m gone and draw me pretty pictures. Would you do that?”

I wished I had paper right now. He reminded me of a zebra. I could go get a crayon from my bag of toys if I ran fast enough.

“Taryn, sweetheart. Look at me. Remember, this is our secret. You can’t tell anyone. Promise. Promise.”

I nodded. He took both of my hands in his.

“God, I’ve made so many mista—” He sniffed a few times. “But I’m going to fix it.” He nodded. “I want to be better for you.” He looked me right in the eyes. “No matter what anyone ever tells you, no matter what you hear, know that I love you. I have always loved you. Remember. Da— Joey loves you. You’ll always be my little girl.”

A tear fell down his cheek. And then another. I wrapped my arms around his neck because big hugs always make the tears stop.

“My baby girl. I love you, so much.”

“I love you, too,” I whispered.

“Always keep your head up and be proud. Don’t let anyone walk all over you. Ever. Be strong. Listen in school. And . . .” Joey dropped his arms the second my daddy came into the garage.

“What? What’s going on in here?” Daddy sounded grumpy and he didn’t look happy with Joey. I tugged on his shorts.

“Daddy? Can you take me to see Kelcie?” He looked down at me. “What?” I really wanted another ice cube and to go bye-bye in the car with the cold air blasting in my face. Maybe there’s a big swimming pool in the clouds. “Kelcie. In heaven. Can you take me?”

Daddy grabbed Joey by the shirt. “What did you say to her? Tell me right now!”

Joey yelped and tried to push my daddy.

They danced into the big silver ladder that was on the wall and it scared me when it crashed down to the floor. Daddy hit Joey in the face and his white teeth turned red.

Daddy grunted. “You stupid, irresponsible moron. You’re nothing but a piece-of-shit, good-for-nothing punk.”

So many people came running and everyone started yelling.

Mommy grabbed Daddy’s arm and pulled. “Dan! Let him go!” I covered my ears because it hurt. I wished Ken was with me.

We both needed someone to play with.