Love Left Behind

"I don't know, Sean, but your mother has been here night and day. I know you're angry right now, but please don't give up on the chance that you'll walk again. If anyone has the determination to get what he wants, it's you."

The anger drained from Sean's face and he leaned against the pillow, looking exhausted. "But what I wanted was you," he whispered, closing his eyes. "I've known that since the first moment I first saw you in Biology class and you refused to dissect the frog on principle. I thought you wanted me too."

I sat down on the chair beside the bed and bowed my head, tears streaming down my face unchecked. I remembered that moment as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. I had been arguing with Mr. Steiner, the biology teacher, about the ethics of dissecting a frog. Sean had joined in the argument, taking my defense, and I had been in awe of this cute boy with sandy brown hair and sparkling blue eyes taking up my cause.

That boy was now a broken man, and I had been the one to break him.

I sat there for a while, both of us silent. I wasn't sure if he had fallen asleep, but when I got up to leave, he opened his eyes.

"Will you come back tomorrow?"

I hesitated, not knowing how I could tell him that I was leaving. Especially now that he knew about his legs.

"Sean," I started slowly. "I think it's time-"

Sean grabbed my hand, startling me. I saw desperation on his face and felt it in his grip. "Emma, please don't leave me. I can't do this on my own. I need you, if only for a little bit longer. I don't know what I'll do if you leave me now."

I couldn't tell him I wasn't coming back. Those pleading eyes had cared for me for so long, those hands had soothed me so often that I nodded before I even realized it.

"Okay, Sean, okay. I'll be back tomorrow."

Sean slumped back in relief and his eyes fluttered closed again. I stood there for a while as a realization came over me. I didn't have it in me to leave Sean while he was in this state. I didn't know what Jackson's reaction would be when I asked him for more time, but I steeled myself against the confrontation. Despite our history, despite the fact that we hadn't spoken for months except for one drunken phone call, Sean had been my best friend for most of my life. I owed it to him.

When Jackson called me later that night, I was tense for the fight I knew we were about to have.

"Hi, sweetheart!"

"Hi, Jackson."

"What time are you flying out tomorrow? There's this great Italian restaurant that I think you'll love. I was thinking that could be our first dinner here together."

I struggled to find the right words to say, not realizing my silence was enough of an answer.

"You're not coming tomorrow, are you?" Jackson said, his voice dropping.

"Jackson," I pleaded. "Sean just found out that he might never walk again. He's crazy with despair and I can't leave him in this state."

"Can't or won't?" Jackson's voice was dangerously soft, as if he didn't trust himself to speak any louder or he would lose it.

"I wish I could leave! I miss you so much and I want to start our life together in L.A. But I can't do that knowing that Sean is here suffering so much, knowing that there's a chance that he could try and hurt himself again."

"What are you saying?"

"I just need some more time."

"How much time?" Jackson asked, his voice strained.

"That's the thing, I don't know," I answered quickly, trying to explain the situation. "The doctors don't know yet about his chances of walking again. Even with a good chance, it's going to take a lot of rehabilitation." I swallowed before I continued. The words I was about to say next hurt me as much as I knew they would hurt Jackson. "I think it's best if we put my moving out there on hold indefinitely. At least until I get a better handle on what's going to happen to Sean. I know it's a lot to ask, and I know you're upset, but I just can't leave now."

I held my breath as I waited for Jackson to respond, growing more and more tense as the silence continued. I was about to break the silence when Jackson spoke, his voice harsh and low.

"Don't do this, Emma. Don't fucking ruin us."

"I'm not doing this to ruin us," I said quickly. "I just can't abandon Sean now. He was part of my life for ten years and he needs me right now. Please try to understand."

"I understand. I understand that you're throwing away everything we have because you feel guilty. You feel guilty because you practically left him at the altar. You feel guilty because you pretended to be in love with him for all those years, when in reality, you could have fucking cared less. Now you're trying to make yourself feel better. This is about you, not Sean."

"Jackson, please," I said, trying to talk through my tears. "I love you. And you're right. I do feel guilty. I have to make it up to him."

"What about me?" Jackson rasped, his voice filled with pain. "What happens to me while you're making yourself feel better?"

"I love you, Jackson," I said desperately. "Please, just give me time."

"Time for what? Time for you to totally obliterate my heart? To crush me even more than I am now? Instead of hurting Sean, you've chosen to hurt me."

"Jackson," I sobbed. "Please. I love you. I'm not choosing Sean over you. He's just so weak right now."

I didn't know what else to say, my guilt not allowing me to let go of Sean, but my love for Jackson making my heart shatter.

"I need time to think, Emma. I need time to fucking think because I'm going crazy right now and all I want to do is yell and scream. I'll call you when I can talk to you without wanting to hurt you as much as you've hurt me."

The phone went dead and it slid from my numb hand. I clutched the diamond pendant on my neck, as if it was the only thing keeping me sane and grounded in a world gone crazy.

My mother wasn't home, so she didn't hear me sobbing until my body was weak from crying so violently. I felt as if my world was falling apart, and I had no one to blame but myself.

I used to believe that you're never given more than you can handle. This theory was put to the test on Saturday when I was awoken from a restless sleep by the ringing of my cell phone. I had dreamed constantly of Jackson, his face angry and full of pain. I grabbed my phone, hoping it was Jackson, but was bitterly disappointed when I saw it was a number I didn't recognize.

"Hello?"

"Emma, it's Mary. Get to the hospital as soon as possible. Sean tried to kill himself again last night."