Love and Lists

“You two need to get a room. All of this PDA shit is disgusting.”

Charlotte and I turn our heads as Ava walks up next to us, with Tyler right behind her.

“Oh, don’t be jealous, sugar muffin. Some day you’ll be able to save up enough money and pay a guy off to love you that much,” Tyler says with a smirk.

“Hey, Tyler, want to know what it feels like to have a stiletto shoved up your ass?” Ava casually asks him while she examines her fingernails.

“You already had your finger in my ass, so I’m assuming it wouldn’t be much different.”

Ava continues to stare at the chipped polish on her thumbnail, but I can tell she’s about ready to lose it. Her nostrils flare and she lets out a growl.

“Dude, you might want to start running now,” I whisper to him.

Unfortunately for Tyler, Ava isn’t about to make a scene in her parents’ backyard by beating the shit out of him. She’s going for complete and total mind f**k right now.

“Remember the last time you were in my car and you left that My Little Pony toy in the center console?” Charlotte asks him sweetly, finally looking up at him.

Tyler loses all of his smugness and his smile falters.

“You didn’t,” he whispers.

“Know what happens when you put My Little Pony in the microwave?” Ava asks.

Tyler’s eyes widen and he clenches his fists at his sides. “No. Please, not Twilight Sparkle.”

Ava takes a few steps in his direction until she’s right up in his face. “She put up a good fight. She screamed until the bitter end.”

Tyler grits his teeth and if I’m not mistaken, I think I see a few tears pooling in his eyes. He’s quiet for so long that I wonder if maybe he’s going to take the high road and just walk away. Too bad Ava sticks the knife in a little deeper by smiling brightly at him. That’s all it takes to push Tyler over the edge.

“YOU CRAB INFESTED CROTCH ROT! I was lying about those jeans the other day. They TOTALLY make your ass look fat!”

“YOU FUCKER! Did you just call me a fat-ass? YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!” Ava yells.

“I don’t have a small penis. Your vagina is just bigger than the f**king Grand Canyon!”

“I HATE YOU!” Ava screams.

“I HATE YOU MORE!” Tyler adds.

They both stand nose-to-nose, chests heaving and staring angrily at one another. I start to pull away from Charlotte to break up the fight when Tyler suddenly speaks.

“You’re so f**king hot. Your car or mine?”

“Mine. I parked closer.”

Ava grabs Tyler’s hand and drags him across the yard to the driveway.

“Those two are going to kill each other.” Charlotte sighs with a shake of her head as we watch them hustle away.

“At least they’re going to maim each other in her car. Tyler borrowed mine today, remember? I don’t think I can get severed head stains out of the upholstery.”

Now that we’re alone again, I turn back toward Charlotte and pull her close. There’s nothing better than being able to touch her and hold her whenever I want. Except for having sex with her. Having sex with her is definitely better.

Taking up where we left off before the tornado of Tyler and Ava came screaming through the yard, I lean my head down to Charlotte for a kiss. She quickly brings her hand up in front of my face to stop me.

“I know this whole thing is still kind of new with us, but I feel like I should tell you something really important. It might have a huge impact on our relationship,” she tells me softly.

“As long as you don’t tell me you have another fake, g*y boyfriend somewhere, nothing else matters,” I laugh.

“No. Rocco is the only fake, g*y boyfriend I will ever have. You can count on that.”

Charlotte takes a deep breath and spits it out. “The thing is, I never want to have children. I really like my vagina, and I’m pretty sure you do too. I have no desire to push a tiny little human out of it and destroy the poor thing forever.”

I stare at her in silence for a few seconds before one corner of my mouth turns up in a grin.

Fuck, do I love this girl.

“Good. Because I can’t stand kids. And the thought of your vagina turning into something that looks like finely sliced roast beef is not appealing to me at all.”

“Eeeew, that’s disgusting,” Charlotte replies, scrunching her nose up.

“Sorry, I heard my mom say that once and it’s always stuck with me,” I tell her.

Charlotte wraps her arms around my neck and stands up on her tiptoes. “Well, it’s a good thing your mom never felt like that about kids or you wouldn’t be here with me right now.”

I hear someone clear her throat and turn to see my mom standing next to us with a sheepish look on her face. “Yeah, about that …”