Long After

He purses his lips. “Vaguely.”

“Well, he showed up at her dorm room last night and…shit got out of hand. He hurt her and I lost it.”

He glances at me, his brow raised. “You kick his ass?”

“Yeah.” I drag my fingers through my hair then rub my palms across my face. “I went nuts and beat the shit out of him.”

“Good.” That surprises me coming from Park. From someone who was beaten unconscious over a girl.

We sit in silence for a moment and I think his inquisition is over, but then he pulls to a stop at the light and looks over at me.

“You and Annie?”

I nod. “Yeah. Me and Annie.”

“How long?”

I don’t know how to answer that. Do I tell him how long I’ve had feelings for her? How long ago we kissed for the first time? Or just from yesterday when we made it official?

My heart clenches. I don’t know if there’s still a me and Annie.

“A while,” I murmur.

“Huh. I can’t believe you never mentioned it.”

I press my head into the seat and close my burning eyes. I feel dead inside. Numb and lifeless. All the time spent waiting for Annie, and when it finally happens, it’s all taken away. She spent so much time in an abusive relationship. How can she look at me, after what I did, and feel safe with me?

I was crazed and violent. She’s probably petrified of me.

“If someone ever did something like that to Lucy,” Park says, his voice dark, breaking into my thoughts, “I’d fucking kill them.”

I swallow forcefully. I nearly did. I would have if Annie hadn’t stopped me. And I’d still be sitting in that cell, next to Keith, waiting to stand trial for murder.

“I don’t give a shit what anybody tells you,” he continues. “You did the right thing.”

Did I?

I’m not sure.

I’d do it again, but was it right?

I don’t think so.

I would do it again, but I’d handle it differently.

After I got Loden off her, I should have picked Annie up and gotten her somewhere safe. Called the cops.

I put my rage in front of her. That was wrong. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Once I saw what he did to her, I just wanted to kill him, and I didn’t think past that.

No. What I did wasn’t the right thing.

I fucked up.

And now I may have lost Annie over it. I huff out a dry laugh. Loden may have gotten his way after all.

~*~

I don’t know whether to call Annie or not. If she doesn’t want anything to do with me then I’ll accept it. I’ll understand. I’ll just have to deal with it. But I’m not ready to know yet. The longer I put it off, the longer I can hold onto my hope.

But it’s crushing me.

After staring at my phone for close to an hour, I decide to take the coward’s way, and text Guy.

Me: How is she?

Guy: She’s ok. As ok as can be expected. We’re home. Jenny wants her close for a few days. Where are you?

Me: I’m home. They dropped the charges.

Guy: Rumor has it Loden’s parents went ape shit crazy over this. Dad said they were trying to get all the charges dropped. Yours and Loden’s.

Me: WTF

Guy: I know. Dad’s not sure of details, but they’re trying to make a deal. They want this cleaned up quick.

Me: He better not get off.

Guy: I don’t see that happening. Too much evidence against him.

Me: How’d he get in?

Guy: Cops think someone left the door open.

I close my eyes, sighing. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Guy: Glad you’re out of the pen.

Me: Ha. Me too.

Guy: Thanks for being there. For everything. I know she’s a handful, but she’s kind of grown on me.

I smile at that and it feels strange on my face.

Me: Yeah. Me too.

I set my phone on the table and literally twiddle my thumbs. I should have just asked him if she wants to see me. I rub my face, grunting my frustration into my hands. Guy said a few days. I’ll give her that. I don’t want to, but I’ll give her space for now. Let her get her mind straight. I can do that. For now.

My phone rings and I hurry to answer it, not bothering to look at the caller ID because I’m convinced it must finally be her.

“Hello?”

“Hey, how’s it going?”

Heaven.

I sigh, my disappointment evident in the long, drawn out release of breath.

“Ouch,” she says. “I’m glad you’re so happy to hear from me.”

“Sorry,” I rasp. Damn it. My heart is stuck in my throat. I wish Annie would just call and put me out of my misery. I can’t take this. I stand up and pace in front of the couch. My head feels like it’s about to explode and I want to scream. I want to throw shit. Instead I take a deep breath and use Annie’s trick, counting to ten.

“Are you okay?”

“No. I am not okay. I’m not even in the ballpark of okay. I fucked up so bad.”

“What’s wrong? Talk to me.”

So I do. I tell her everything that happened—what I walked in on, what I did, my night in jail, and my need to hear from Annie.

“I’m coming down. I can be there in two hours.”

Part of me wants her to. I have nobody right now and a shoulder to lean on and an ear to fill would be really nice right about now. But Heaven isn’t the shoulder or the ear I want.

“No,” I say. “I appreciate it, but I just want to be alone.”

“She’ll call, Chase. She loves you.”

I want to believe that’s true. I used to, but that was before…

“Thanks.”

“Anytime, dude.”

I hang up and fall onto the couch, wondering what Annie’s doing right now. I would do anything to hear her voice. And God, what I’d do to see her.

Hold her.

Press my lips to her skin.

Inhale the scent of her hair…

I stare at my phone, sitting ominously in my hand, and fight the urge to call her. She doesn’t need my bullshit. She’s been through enough.

I close my eyes, astonished how lost I am without her.

49

Give Me Love

Annie

I woke up almost every hour last night. Panting and sweating. My heart racing and my mind reeling.

Nightmares.

Loden’s in my room—this one, at my mom’s house—he’s on top of me, strangling me. I can’t breathe and I try to fight, but I’m too weak. I wait for Chase to come save me, but he’s locked up in a jail cell, unable to come to my rescue.

And just when my eyes begin to close, shutting out Loden’s cruel smile, I bolt upright in bed. Over and over, the same horrible dream, playing on repeat.

I’m so tired, but I go downstairs to find my keys. Alec never gave them to me after he followed us here in my car. I had no need for them at the time, but now I want to go home.

Back to school.

Back to Chase.

I need him.

I think if I could just see him I’d feel better. I know he’s home, but I haven’t heard from him. He talked to Guy, but not me. He hasn’t called. He hasn’t texted. Maybe if I could see him the dreams would stop.

Mom’s in the kitchen. She’s been baking—a stress reliever that keeps her close. Guy hasn’t gone far either. Hovering over me. Hope’s called so many times to check in that I started sending her calls to voicemail. I appreciate their concern, I do, and I truly feel loved, but it’s overwhelming. After all these years, feeling alone and unseen, and wishing for a little attention, now that it’s here, I want to scream.

They’re smothering me.

And the one person I want to actually smother me with his presence hasn’t contacted me in any way.

“I’m going home,” I announce as I stop behind the counter. Mom looks up from whatever she’s stirring on the stove and frowns.

“What?”

“I need my keys. I’m going home.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, concentrating on stirring. “It’s too soon.”

I don’t want to fight with her. And she’s right. It’s too soon. I know. And I’m not ready to go back to the dorms—to see the proof of what occurred in those rooms. But I just…

“I need to see Chase,” I whisper. This is too important to do over the phone. And I just need… “Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Loden. I can’t stand it. Chase can… He’ll…” I can’t find the right words to explain.

I just need him.

Mom nods stiffly. “He’ll make you feel safe.”

“Yes.” I exhale quickly. That’s exactly it. He’ll make it better. He’ll make me better. Because I’ll feel safe with him. I’ve always felt safe and secure with him.

“I can’t stop you,” she breathes. “God knows I can’t stop you from doing what you want. You’ve always been so strong-willed. So determined to go your own way.” She smiles sadly, her eyes brimming. “Have Guy go with you and I want someone with you every minute until that bastard is behind bars.”

I press my lips together, nodding my agreement. “Thank you.”

Her eyebrows pinch together as she pulls me in for a hug. “Call me as soon as you get there. And every hour after.”

“Okay,” I say.

She sniffles and sweeps her hand over my hair. “I love you so much. I don’t know what I’d do…”

“I love you too, Mom.”

~*~

Against my mom’s explicit directions, I drop Guy off at his apartment before driving over to Chase’s. I don’t want an audience. Guy’s pissed, but I promise to go straight to Chase’s apartment without stopping.

“You better call me as soon as you get there.” He sighs. “If Jenny finds out, she’s going to have my ass.”

“I’m not going to tell her,” I say.

He leans over, kissing my cheek. I’m so taken aback by the gesture, I gape, openmouthed, at him. He’s hugged me a handful of times over the years, but not once has he ever kissed me. I rub my cheek in shock.

“Straight there and then you call me.”

I nod.

“And close your mouth. You look dumb.”

Oh, there’s the Guy I know.

“It’s because I’ve been spending too much time with you. I lose an IQ point for every stupid thing you say.”

He cocks a brow as he regards me. “I have gay wisdom, remember?”

“Right.” I roll my eyes. “I forgot.”

“So it was Chase. The guy you hadn’t told you had feelings for.”

I nod slowly, though it isn’t a question. “Yes.”

He grins at me as he opens the car door. “Well, go get your man.”

~*~

I may have unintentionally lied. I didn’t make any stops on the way over to Chase’s apartment, but after knocking several times, and getting no answer, I’m heading over to campus. An extra stop, and I’m nervous, but what else can I do? I have to find him.

He doesn’t have morning classes this semester, so I can only think of one place he’d be.

If he’s not at the gym, then I’ll go back to Guy’s.

I will.

I push the door open and let my eyes sweep the room. It’s not very busy, a few guys on weights, a couple of girls on the ellipticals, a girl folding towels at the counter. No Chase. I head back to my car, feeling defeated.

Maybe he really was home, but didn’t want to see me.

I sit behind the wheel and lock my door quickly as I try to form a new plan. Maybe I can have Guy call him, find out where he is?

Speaking of which, I should call Guy before he freaks out and calls the National Guard. I fish out my cell and find his number.