Lockout (The Alpha Group 2)

When I woke it was dark. The power was out. There was no storm that I could hear, just a horrendous wind that was screeching up and down the narrow alleys that surround my house.

Glancing at my phone, I discovered it was ten o'clock. I also saw that I had several missed calls from Elle. No doubt word had gotten around. Gossip spread faster than the plague in our office. She was probably worried, but I couldn't deal with talking to her yet.

I really wished I could just go back to sleep. The enormity of everything that had happened was absolutely staggering. I didn't know how to begin dealing with it all. It made the prospect of simple unconsciousness incredibly appealing. But I could tell I wouldn't drift back off again.

Not knowing what else to do, I lit some candles and went to the kitchen to pour a bowl of cereal. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I figured I probably needed to eat. It tasted like shredded cardboard, but I barely noticed.

Halfway through my meal, everything finally caught up with me. One minute I was staring blankly down at my food, the next I was bawling my eyes out. I'd never felt so utterly lost before. My life had always felt like it had been on rails, with the next stop visible just a little way up the track. School, a law degree, internships, a job; everything had unfolded as planned. But now suddenly, the track had collapsed underneath me, leaving me wobbling at the edge of a precipice. I had no idea where to go from here.

It was soul destroying to watch six years of hard work crumble to dust before my eyes. The prospect of starting again from scratch was impossibly daunting. I lay my arms on the breakfast bar and buried my head between them, sobbing until I felt like my eyes were just empty husks.

The worst part was, I had no way to distract myself. I was going to wake up tomorrow with nothing to do. And the day after that. And the day after that. That was a terrifying prospect. I thrived on hard work, on meeting deadlines and tackling problems. That was my drug. Without that, I had nothing. Just endless time to consider where I'd gone wrong.

The urge to call Sebastian was incredibly strong. I didn't even know if he'd answer, or what I'd say if he did. Nothing had changed between us. But I was desperate to hear that soothing voice, to wrap my arms around him and hold on for dear life before the weight of it all pulled me under.

But I restrained myself. I couldn't deal with any more heartbreak at the moment. Instead I popped a couple of Valium I had left over from my last international trip, and curled up on the couch.

For now, oblivion would do.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The letter arrived two days later.

For a while I just stared, unsure whether I should even open it. Seeing Sebastian's flowing script used to fill me with excitement, but now there was only trepidation. I wasn't sure I was ready to deal with whatever he had to say, not on top of everything else. This wasn't a reconciliation. You didn't fix our sorts of problems by post.

But in the end I knew I couldn't ignore it. Too much had passed between us for that. With trembling hands, I tore open the seal.

Sophia.

I'm sorry to do this in writing. I wanted to come to you — I nearly did several times — but I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. I always thought I was a strong man, but you have this way of making me feel utterly powerless. I'm worried I'll break yet again.

I'm so sorry that things have to end this way. It sounds hollow and empty, but I never meant to hurt you. I really thought that maybe I could do this again, that things would be different this time. But now I see how impossible that is. I can never have a normal life. The risks are just too great.

You have questions, but the answers I owe you aren't mine to give. It's not fair, but I need you to know that it's for the best. There is more at stake here than you can possibly imagine.

I know you probably don't believe me, but I want to tell you again: I never lied about my feelings for you. Every word was true. I never thought I'd care about anyone again the way I care about you. I thought Liv had burned that right out of me. But I was wrong. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met. I feel more in a day with you than I have in a lifetime with anyone else. You deserve someone to share everything with, but that's not something I can give you, no matter how badly I want to. Perhaps it would have been better for both of us if I'd just stayed away to begin with. I knew you were dangerous from the moment I laid eyes on you. But I can't apologise. I don't regret a single moment we spent together.

I won't be in contact again. I ask that you please do the same. Like I said, it's for the best.

Yours forever.

-S

The room around me blurred into nothingness. All I could see were his words, blinking up at me like a neon sign. My organs felt like they'd been twisted into a thousand ragged knots inside me.

I no longer doubted that he'd been telling the truth about his feelings. I felt his passion right through to my bones. But that didn't matter anymore. Whatever his secrets were, they were apparently bigger than us, and they left no room in his life for anything more.

Despite the fact that I'd been expecting it, the finality of that last line ripped through me. Even after his office, with the weight of a thousand lies bearing down on us, some tiny part of me had still held hope that we'd get through it. There was a chance, however slim. But now that chance was over.

We were over.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Time passed. I slept and ate and did my best to occupy myself, but it was all done with the kind of blank obligation that leaves next to no real impression. I felt so utterly disconnected, like I was watching a video of something that was happening to someone else.

I hated myself for being so weak. I'd never been one to wallow in self-pity before. Problems weren't things to dwell on, they were obstacles to be overcome on the way to better things. But in this situation, I didn't even know where to start.

I must have read Sebastian's note a hundred times over the next few days. It consumed me. I had no idea how one single piece of paper could make my heart soar so high yet still shatter into a million pieces. I wanted to hate him for not choosing me, but the way the letter was phrased made me question if he even had a choice at all. That scared me a little. The things he alluded to were every bit as unbelievable as those my imagination had conjured. Perhaps he really had been doing me a favour.

Eventually, after several days of ignoring my phone, I woke up one afternoon to find Ruth banging on my door.

"Holy shit," she said, when I finally answered. "You look like you've just returned from a week long bender."

"That good, huh?" I replied, managing a small smile. I'd thought I couldn't stomach company, but now that she was there in front of me, I realised how much I appreciated seeing a familiar face.