Like a Memory

Larissa wrapped me in her arms. “Yeah. She did. He’s going to suffer that for a long time. But one day he will find a way to move on. He will always remember but he will heal too.”

“I want that for him. He’ll never be mine. I’ll always be a reminder. That hurts so bad. I don’t want him to think of me an immediately remember this.”

Larissa squeezed me tightly. “In time you won’t remind him of this. You’ll remind him of a happier time. One he cherishes.”

She was wrong. But I let her say it anyway.

Nate Finlay

A CUP OF coffee appeared in front of me as I sat staring out at the waves crashing on the sand. Tilting my head back, I looked up at Lila Kate. She’d been quiet this week. Not said much at the family gatherings or the memorial. But that was her. She wasn’t loud like Calla. She didn’t do things to draw attention like Phoenix. And she wasn’t striking like Ophelia. She was just . . . well she was just like her mother.

“How are you holding up?” she asked taking the seat beside me. Lila Kate would have been my partner in crime when we were kids if she hadn’t been so damn sweet. She was so good and obedient I never could have much fun with her. Cruz Kerrington and I were always into some trouble and Lila Kate was always there worried about us and trying to talk us out of it. We were thrown together from birth. Teasing Lila Kate had been one of our favorite things to do.

That all changed with Cruz kissed Lila Kate when he was thirteen and she was fourteen. Then the next week Cruz was kissing Melanie Harnett. Lila Kate never spoke to him again. Cruz didn’t seem to notice. He went through a different girl every week. I knew Lila Kate kissing Cruz had been different than when she kissed me. We hadn’t enjoyed the experience. However, it was obvious she didn’t feel that way about kissing Cruz.

The one thing that I always noticed though was Lila Kate watched him. For years. He never saw it or her. Cruz was wrapped up in his world. Didn’t see much past his next good time. But I saw her. Probably because I often wondered if our parents were right. Maybe we belonged together. Then I would think about how much like a sister she was and throw that idea out fast.

“It sucks,” I finally replied to her question.

“Yes, I imagine it does.”

Lila Kate didn’t have to say a lot. She was just comforting with her silence. I always liked that about her.

“You’ve got them all worried. Blaire was at mom and dad’s today. I walked in the kitchen to see her crying. Mom was talking to her.”

That was another thing about Lila Kate, she didn’t hold back because she was worried about hurting you. She was sweet and kind but blunt. Honest was probably a better description.

“I don’t like making her cry. But I can’t pretend that I’m okay.”

“I didn’t say you could. Just letting you know what’s going on.”

We sat there for a while drinking our coffee. I knew she wasn’t done yet. She was going to say more but was deciding what to say and how to say it. I didn’t care to hear anyone’s opinion. No one knew what all I had lost. They didn’t know there was more. That I loved a woman and had caused this. That although Octavia and my son were dead, I still loved Bliss when that love had been why this happened. Telling anyone that seemed impossible.

At the memorial for my son, I had wanted Bliss there. To stand beside me. To give me comfort. I needed her. Yet I didn’t deserve her. There was a grave marked “Baby Finlay” that said I didn’t deserve any happiness.

Bliss was happiness for me.

“Who was she? The girl from the letter. .”

No one had asked me that. Octavia’s letter had said that she hoped I lived happily with the woman I threw her away for. We had all read the note. Her father made sure I saw it. He blamed me for Octavia getting off her meds. For me turning my back on her. And he should. When she’d wanted to talk I should have let her. Then my son would still have had a chance.

“I love her. I have since I was sixteen years old. But that doesn’t matter anymore.”

Lila Kate turned her head and I felt her gaze on me. “Why? Because a sick woman acted out of her own darkness? Her own battles? Where were her parents? Why didn’t they know she was hurting? She wasn’t yours to protect. Y’all had ended things. Letting Octavia’s actions determine your choices isn’t fair. Not to you or the girl you love.”

I didn’t have a response to that. I just knew it wasn’t that simple. “Not now. . I can’t.” I replied turning to finally look at her.

She frowned then leaned back in her seat. We drank our coffee and sat in silence for the next hour.

When footsteps sounded on the steps I turned my attention toward them. Cruz appeared from the beach. He’d been running. He was sweating and in his running shorts. He’d come to the memorial but he had been unsure what to say to me. Most had been.

“Hey. Y’all got room for one more?” he asked.

Lila Kate immediately stood up. “I was leaving,” then she turned and did just that. Like she always did. When Cruz Kerrington was around she exited. There was no secret that she disliked him. Her actions had made that clear years ago.

“Always could make that girl clear a room. Can’t figure out why she hates me so damn much.”

I would argue that he was being stupid. That he did know. But in all honesty, I don’t think he does. He is too self-absorbed to have noticed.

“You gave a fourteen-year-old Lila Kate her first real kiss then moved on to another girl a week later. While little Lila Kate was in love you were making a legacy as a womanizer for yourself.”

Cruz sat down. “Really? She hates me because I kissed her? That was what like eight years ago? That can’t be it.”

I didn’t have the energy to explain it or point it all out. Instead I shrugged. He could believe what he wanted.

“What about you? You making it?”

I was living. “Sure.” What else did I say to that?”

“I’m sorry, man. I should have come by before now but I didn’t know what to say. Still don’t.”

There was nothing he could say. “How’s working for your dad?” I asked him.

He let out a groan of frustration. “Hard. I miss college.”

The Kerrington Country Club would be his one day. He knew it but he also didn’t want it. He just didn’t have the balls to tell his dad that. He had two younger brothers. Blaze and Zander. He should let one of them have it.

“Do either of your brothers have interest in it?”

He shook his head. “Blaze is off in L.A. still. Trying to be the next Zac Efron. And Zander is planning on the Marines.”

I’d seen Blaze on the television nighttime drama he was making a name for himself on. But only once and I hadn’t watched the whole show. Phoenix had been watching it and wanted me to see Blaze.

We talked about nothing important and for a few short moments I didn’t think about my reality.

Bliss York

I SHOULD HAVE kept driving. But I didn’t. The sign was already taken down and the windows were dark. Nothing there now. It was empty. I sat in my car and thought about the first day I had walked in there and applied for a job. It was just a couple months ago. Yet my world had completely altered since then.

Octavia’s sign was gone. There was a “For Lease” poster on the door. The same door I had walked out of and dropped boxes then came face to face with Nate. Who I never expected to see again.