Let Me Love You

Jaylinn tries to turn over but I reach out and place my hand on her hip to stop her. I wipe some of her tears away, “Don’t be sorry, Jay. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

She cries harder and buries her head into the crook of my neck. I’m afraid to touch her because most of the time she can’t handle it but I want to comfort her, I need to. Or maybe it’s that I need to comfort myself? I didn’t know for sure, all I know is that I need to touch her. I start out slow by running my fingertips up her arm a few times. When I know she isn’t going to pull away, I run them up and down her side.

“Just hold me,” she whispers, giving in and letting me take the pain away.

That’s all I needed to hear. I pull her whole body so it’s flush against mine and wrap my arms around her. She’s still shaking but at least the tears have stopped, that’s all I can ask for right now. I kiss her head a couple of times and tell her that I’m here, she’s safe and I’m not going anywhere.

Eventually her body relaxes in my arms, and I think she’s fallen asleep but she surprises me when she calls my name.

“Coop?” she sighs loudly, “I need you to wash that night away. I want you to make my nightmares go away.” She sniffles and reaches up to wipe her face. “I need you to do this with me. I need it to be you. I’m not sure I could handle it being anyone else but,” She huffs, “it needs to happen. I want something to replace that nightmare and it’s the only way I can think to do it.”

I don’t respond right away because I’ll admit I’m scared. Nothing usually scares me but this, with her; it scares the shit out of me.

“I don’t expect you to answer me right now but you’re going to have to eventually, Cooper. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” Jaylinn turns over to face the other direction and moves to the end of the bed.

She doesn’t understand and I don’t think she will be able to. I wish I could talk to someone about what I should do but I’ve sworn on my life that this stays between us and I could never break my promise to her.

I’m lost in my own head. What if we did have sex and in the middle of it she connects what we’re doing with what happened to her? I don’t ever want to know. Can I be the one that will wash away the memories and make new ones with her? That’s what I want to happen, she doesn’t deserve this. What will happen to her, to me, if the sex ruins whatever we have going on between us? I’m not sure but I would hope we could overcome it. Would she survive? In Jaylinn fashion she will. Will she sink further into herself without seeking professional help? Yeah she will, but her pride will get in her way. Would I be able to sit back and do nothing? Hell no, I won’t be able to ever do that.

If Jaylinn did get tired of waiting around for me and finds another man to take that special gift away from her will I be able to handle that? Nope, but if that guy she finds makes her smile the way she used to and brings back those sparkling blue eyes then I’d gladly step aside. I’ll be there every step of the way for her. It’s not what I want to happen because I want Jaylinn. If I’m being honest with myself I have for a while but I didn’t see it right away. I was too worried about the next piece of ass and living the college dream. I see it now though and I want her more than my last breath, but again I’m afraid that when, if, we take the next step that it will push her away in the end.

“Maybe I’m scared because you mean more to me than any other person in my life, Jay.” I say to myself mostly but loud enough that if she’s awake she’ll hear me.

7

I wake up the next morning with the sun shining down on me from the open window. I know Cooper isn’t lying in here with me because I can’t feel him. He’s already left to go to the gym for his strength training with the team. I roll onto my back and stretch my body out. I need to get my ass out of this bed and go for a run. I will not let last night’s dream affect me. I can’t.

“You need to get over this shit, Jay.” I tell myself. I even go as far as raising my fist in the air as if this will give me the motivation I need. It kinda does.

I pull my ass from the bed and put on a pair of sweatpants from the pile of clothes I have here at Cooper’s, and pull on an old Boston University hoodie from Cooper’s closet. In the bathroom I brush my teeth, wash my face and pull my hair into a ponytail. I slip on my running shoes, grab my iPhone and go out the back door. I make sure it’s not locked so I can get back in when I’m done. I hate running with my keys and Cooper said since it’s a safe enough neighborhood it’s okay if I leave the back door open.

It’s freezing outside this morning which is going to make my run a little bit more difficult with the cold air burning my lungs, but I welcome it. It’s something else to focus on and not let my mind drift back to my nightmare. I get about a mile into my run when my body starts to finally warm up. Years of playing soccer and running have built up my tolerance to the miles of running I put my body through. Running and reading are my escape from the world.

Flicks of being in a dark room surface but I refuse to let my mind wander back there. It’s time to move on. It’s time for a change. Time for a change, Cooper’s words from last night float into my mind and I think maybe he’s onto something after all. We need a change, something else to focus on instead of the past and what could possibly become of the future. We need something.

I think I need my girls; maybe they can help me get through to Cooper and make him see that I’m right here and I want this with him. If Cooper isn’t going to step up to the plate then maybe I need to give him a reason to. Tempt him in ways he’s never been tempted before.

I take a detour in my normal run and head to Hailey’s house since it’s closest and I know she’ll help me with what I need. I’m not sure how MacKenzie would take me pursuing her brother. I’m sure she’d be fine but it’s just a little weird for me I guess. I’d rather her not know my sex life, just like she doesn’t flaunt her sex life with my brother to me.

An hour later and I’m knocking on Mason and Hailey’s door. I wait longer than normal because Hailey is home by herself and it takes her a few extra minutes to get up off the couch and waddle to the door.

“You’re f**king bat shit crazy. It’s freezing and you’re running around outside like it’s summer.” Hailey holds the door open for me to pass by. “Get in here.”