Knights' Sinner

“Why’d you do it?” I rasp, and her eyes well with tears.

“He would have hurt her Jackson; he would have killed Ebony without a second glance. I couldn’t do that to a child. I didn’t want to do it, so I lied, I made up as much as I could to send him off the trail. I know it means nothing to you right now, but I am sorry. I never wanted to do it, as soon as I got to know you; I knew I couldn’t keep going with it. I had no escape, the only way out was telling you, and that meant loosing you, so I put it off...”

I meet her gaze, and she’s staring at me with hopeful eyes.

“I would have done the same thing, in the end...”

Her lip trembles, and she squeezes my hands harder. “I meant what I said out there the other day, you know...”

“What?” I ask.

Fuck. My eyes are burning. Toughen up, Jackson.

“About loving you...I do...I love you, Jackson.”

I close my eyes, fuck, those words. They crush me. They fucking crush me.

“I...” I get to my feet. “You’re too young for me, fuck, Serenity...I can’t...It’s not...”

Her face.

Fuck.

She’s looking at me like I’ve just ripped her heart out.

“You don’t feel the same?” she whispers, trembling.

“I...what I feel doesn’t matter. I’m no good for you, or...”

“Jackson,” she pleads. “Don’t leave me again.”

“Fuck,” I spin around and walk out quickly.

I can’t love her. I can’t. It’s not right. It makes no sense. She’s a baby, having my baby.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I can’t do this.

Can I?

CHAPTER 20

SERENITY

I sit on the bed, completely stunned. He walked out. I told him I loved him, and he walked out. Is that all my words meant to him? Has he been just trying to find a way out all this time? My stomach turns, and I shift from the bed, standing up. That’s when it hits me - a sharp, angry pain in my lower belly. I cry out, clutching my stomach as my head begins to spin. No, oh please no.

“J-Jackson?” I rasp.

Nothing.

I stand and walk to the bathroom, stepping in and locking the door behind me. I lower myself to the floor, clutching my stomach. It’s hard to determine exactly where the pain is, because my body is so bruised and battered, but I know it’s down low. I am so sick of crying, and yet tears threaten to escape. I pull myself up onto the toilet, groaning at the smell. It’s not nice sharing only two toilets with this many men.

I wipe.

And my head begins to spin.

Blood.

There’s not much, but it’s blood.

I close my eyes and a mix of anger and pain bubble up in my throat. I get off the toilet, and find my spot on the floor again.  Am I having a miscarriage? Is that what’s happening? Did I kill my own baby? Did I kill Jackson’s baby? I wrap my arms around myself, and pray for this to be something different. That baby, it was my tiny ray of sunshine, if it goes...and Jackson goes...

“Serenity?”

There’s a gentle knock at the door, and I hear Ciara’s voice. I take a deep breath and swallow. “Ciara?”

“It’s me, are you ok?”

“N-n-no,” I rasp, my voice breaking.

“What’s happening?”

“I’m...I’m bleeding.”

She’s silent for a long moment. “Oh honey. Let me in?”

“I can’t...I just...I can’t.”

“Hang on a second, ok? I’ll get Jackson.”

I cry out no, but by the sounds of it, she’s already gone. I clutch my stomach harder, trying to control my trembling. A moment later, a harder knock sounds out.

“Serenity?”

It’s Jackson.

“Open the door, darlin’.”

I close my eyes and let my tears leak out. I’m so tired. So worn out. I don’t want to move, or to speak. I don’t even want to feel. I am sick of fighting against myself, and my life. No matter what I do, it keeps ending like this.

“Baby,” Jackson says, gentler this time. “Please open the door.”

I open my mouth to rasp a go away, but the only sound that comes out is a strangled gasp.

“I’m goin’ to kick it down,” I hear Jackson say.

“That’s not wise, daddy!”

Addison is there now, too.

“She won’t open it, I don’t have a choice.”

Three kicks later, and the door flings open. I gasp, and wrap my arms around myself, scooting further into the bathroom. Jackson sees me on the floor, looking like a pitiful child, and walks over, kneeling down in front of me. His eyes are soft and full of concern.

“What’s happening?”

“I’m...b-b-bleeding.”

“Bleeding?”

“The baby, daddy,” Addison whispers from behind him.

Jackson’s face pales, and his eyes fill with hurt. Oh god, he wanted our baby too? I close my eyes and look away, ashamed and hurt. Is this my fault? I asked my own father to beat me. I pushed him. I wanted him to end this for me. God, what sort of person am I? I put my own child at risk, because I was selfish. What is wrong with me?

“What...do we do?” he asks.

“She needs a doctor,” Ciara says gently.

“Then I’m takin’ her to a doctor.”

He reaches for me, but I slap his hand away. “No!”