Keeping My Prince Charming

“I don’t know.” I sat up in the bed and looked away from his handsome face. Looking into his green eyes always made me feel guilty. I could still remember the look of hurt on his face when I told him that I’d thought Stephan had been the one sucking on my breasts that night. It had shocked him as much as it had shocked me that I’d told him the truth. I knew how hurt he felt. I knew how betrayed. I knew how confused he must have been because I felt confused as well. I’d felt like someone else was living inside of my body. How could I have had those feelings of excitement for another man?

“You should go out.” He came and sat down on the side of my bed. His voice was lower now and the room suddenly became tense. “I’m going to London next week.”

“Oh?” I said, my heart racing. What did that mean?

“I think we should both go.”

“I see.” I looked at him then. Was this it? Were we over? “So, do you still want me to be your assistant?” I asked him the only question I was brave enough to voice.

“Assistant?” He frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“You want to go back to teaching, don’t you?”

“I don’t know.” He shook his head and then grasped my hands. “I want you to come back to me, Lola. I want brash and funny and courageous Lola to come back to me and tell me what she thinks and feels at all times. I want to be put in my place. I want the woman I first met to challenge me and hit me. Hate me if you want. Scream at me. Do whatever you have to, but please stop freezing me out.”

“But you hate me.” I sucked on my lower lip, my heart racing at his words. “I’m ashamed of myself and I hate that—” My voice trailed off as I stared at him.

“Stop, Lola.” His voice was rough and heartbreaking in its texture. “This isn’t your fault. This is all me. This is what happens when men play games, Lola.” His voice was now loud and angry. “I wanted to be part of the system so I could change it, but I was part of the problem.”

“I just feel like I let you down and I let myself down as well,” I said weakly, still feeling sorry for myself.

“You didn’t let anyone down.” Xavier was almost scolding me. “I’m the one that took you there. I should have known what was going to happen.”

“But I came, Xavier,” I whispered and looked down in shame. I knew we had to have this conversation out completely. I knew we had to discuss everything if we were to ever move on. “I’m so ashamed of myself, Xavier. I can’t even look at you,” I said, my face burning as I thought back to that night again. I could still feel the way my whole body had buckled as Stephan had brought me to a climax with his knuckles and a feather. “I feel so ashamed of myself. I can barely look you in the face.”

“It’s not for you to feel ashamed.” He grabbed me under my chin and pulled my face up to look at him. “Your body reacted in the only way it knew how, Lola. You shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place. I shouldn’t have done that to you. I’m so sorry, Lola. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could make it so none of this happened.”

“Do you hate me, though? Can you ever forgive me?”

“There is nothing for me to forgive, beautiful.” He kissed me softly on the lips. “It is me that needs your forgiveness, Lola. It is me that is begging you for another chance. I love you so much.”

“This isn’t love, Xavier!” I screamed at him as I banged my hands against his chest. “You don’t love me. I’m just a possession to you. I’m just a girl you decided to use to get what you want.”

“That’s not true,” he said, his voice surprisingly soft as he grabbed my wrists.

“You don’t love me,” I whimpered as tears gushed out of my eyes. I looked at Xavier and I saw his expression change. It went from concerned to sad and I was overcome with emotions. “I hate you, I hate you for doing this to me.”

“I hate me, too.” He nodded in agreement. “I fucked up, Lola. I fucked up bad. I got you involved in something that I didn’t even want to be involved in myself. I made a mistake. A really big mistake. I don’t know what I can do to make this better. Maybe it will never be better and maybe you will never trust me. However, there is one thing I know for certain. One thing I can guarantee you. And that is that I do love you. I love you more than I could love anyone.”

“How do you know?” I gasped, wanting to believe him so badly, but not really believing. “How do you know that you love me? Is it because you saw another man making me come?” I screamed.

I watched as he winced and he grabbed my face again and looked at me, his green eyes looking sad and weary. “I want to take you somewhere. I want to take you somewhere so I can show you how much I love you and so you can forgive me.”

I stared at him then and kissed him softly on the lips. I put my fingers in his hair and pulled him into me for a few seconds and breathed in his essence before pulling back. “I forgive you, Xavier,” I said softly. “But I don’t know if I’ll ever believe that you really love me,” I said with a sad face and jumped out of the bed. I looked down at him as he sat there, his regal face in despair and my heart sank for what had happened to us. “I just don’t know if I can ever forget this,” I said as tears started to run down my face. Xavier stood up and pulled me into his arms and I rested my head against his shoulder and cried. We stood there in the room, silently, his hands rubbing my back to comfort me as I cried, both for the loss of trust in our relationship and the complete and utter loss of my own innocence.