Irreplaceable

I cringed. The fact that he was standing on my doorstep before eight in the morning after a tryst just further alluded to his disreputable nature.

Resolute to keep things civil, I cracked open the door just enough to see him. Cocking my head to the side, I outstretched a hand, holding it against the frame to block any chance he had at entering. If he so much as touched me after that bimbo had her claws on him, I was certain I’d either scream or knock him in the mouth; possibly both, with the way I was feeling—thoroughly disgusted.

“Good morning,” he said with such tenderness that my backbone began to waver. “I hope you slept well. My night was…exhausting.”

That definitely didn’t help his case, and my heart took offense. It stiffened my body, reinforced my grip, and challenged my will to keep my reply civil. He must’ve seen the irritation in my set frown, because his brows lowered in thought before he spoke further. Was he going to pretend last night never happened?

“I shouldn’t have left angry. I’m sorry. It’s only been a week since you’ve been home.” He ticked his head to the side, watching me stand there, giving nothing away before he sighed. “I know I have to give you more time…believe me, I‘m trying, but it’s just so damn hard. I’m not sure what to do anymore. This is all new to me, to…to feel this need for you.” His voice strained with the weight of what he was trying to say. “I feel helpless…not being able to fix this. Make it right.”

The walls surrounding my heart began to shudder and shake, and it took everything I had to keep it hidden.

“Mm-hmm,” I replied, my lips clamped together tightly.

His pained eyes searched mine. “You have to give me something to hold onto, sweetheart…a reason to keep fighting when you repeatedly push me away.”

I’m here! I wanted to shout out to the world. Wait for me, please, but I stood silent, terrified. How had I become so weak? Seeing him with that woman had pushed me over the edge. He’d want more than I could ever give him, so it was for the best if he walked away. Better to get out now before it was too late.

He nodded after a long, silent pause.

I hated him for bringing me so low, for creating a storm of brewing rage deep in my soul. I hated myself for wanting to take him in my arms and kiss him until I forgot. I had to fight through it to find a way to get him off my porch.

Finally, I opened my mouth and swallowed the rough lump that had formed, speaking in a soft voice. “I was about to take a shower, and though you seem to think that’s our new thing, I prefer to do it alone. Goodbye.”

“All right. I understand, and I can’t say I blame you.” His voice was a quiet rumble, his eyes downcast. “But I tried. I wanted you then, and I want you now….to love you and take care of you….but I can’t keep waking up every day feeling like shit for something I didn’t mean…something I can’t take back.” His eyes grew hard, staring straight through me now.

My teeth had dug so far into my bottom lip to silence the quivering forcing its way out that they nearly drew blood. He was hurting, but so was I, and it was exactly why this was for the best. We’d only hurt each other again. I didn’t want to give him hope if there was none to take. He needed to move on.

I began to shut the door when his hand flew out, holding it open.

“I have to go out of town for a meeting. I tried to have it rescheduled, but it’s important that I go.”

“Then have a good day at work, Logan.” My words were monotone, needing him to leave before I lost my resolve. I added a little smile to pull off the convincing performance…to let him leave not knowing my pain matched his.

The tension in his broad shoulders grew visibly stiff. His jaw clenched, working under the skin until he spoke again, his eyes boring into mine.

“If I leave here right now with no word from you that we ever have a chance…then I’m done. I won’t come back. I’ll move on, like you asked.”

That was how much he cared? A week’s worth of his time, and then he gives up? That wasn’t love. Not to me.

The disturbing bite in his tone brought me back, and I released my sore bottom lip.

“Goodbye, Logan.”

His expression hardened, a vein bulging in the side of his neck pulling my gaze from the tight frown marring his beautiful features as I held strong. It only took a brief moment until he turned on his heel and stalked down my front steps, cutting through the lawn to his house.

There was no stopping the waterworks that came when I slammed the door and fell to the floor, curling into a trembling ball. It was over. I wanted him out of my life, and now he was. If only I didn’t feel like my entire world was falling further into pieces.

By the time the clock struck ten that night, I’d called Hilary over to distract me from myself. We were sitting crossed-legged on my living-room floor, a deck of cards in hand and two empty wine bottles beside us. She was going to regret it in the morning, but the weather man had called for an overnight snowstorm and she was convinced school would close down the next day.

“That is not a full house!” I exclaimed, bending forward to examine the cards she’d laid out. “Right? I mean…no, that’s a…”

My head flew back as laughter broke out, followed by a sudden hiccup. My hand flew over my chest as I sucked in my lips, willing my giggling to cease.

“Yes it is! There is a—” She looked up from her cards she’d laid on the carpet, then quickly swooped them back into her hand. “Shit!”

“I’m out,” I said, dropping the cards and rolling to my side, stretching out my legs. She did the same, her hand under her cheek propping her up, facing me. We officially sucked at poker.

“It’s been over three weeks since the night of the accident. Eventually, you’ll have to talk about what happened. You know that, right?”

Her voice was kind and gentle, but it still stung my heart. I was ashamed to tell her how Logan’s feelings for me were so different from my own.

I mimicked her position and smiled, changing the subject. “So, did Caleb enjoy the Bond-girl look you had going on?”

With a slight pout to her lip, she conceded.

“Fine, we can talk about Caleb, but I’m not going to stop hounding you until I hear at least the Cliffs Notes version of New Year’s. I need to know if I should be ashamed for being Team Logan.” She tilted her head slightly, gauging my stoic emotions. “Should I? ‘Cause I really like the guy, and it’s obvious he genuinely cares about you.”

Desperate for Logan’s name to vanish from my ears, I asked the unthinkable that I knew she’d been waiting to gush about. “So, Caleb…what’s he like in bed?”

She chuckled and dipped her head down, then looked back at me, grinning. “Amazing. Mind-blowing. Toe curling. I have never screamed so loud in my life. And the way he’s so eager to ensure I never leave bed unsatisfied…well, let’s just say I’m madly in love with the man. It’s better than I ever dreamed it could be.”

I lay there resting my head on my arm and watching her talk, her eyes bright and face glowing as she filled me in on the little romantic gestures he did for her: the way he opened doors, held her hand, and never went to sleep without telling her he loved her. How did all that happen so soon? Logan and I met at the same time Caleb came back, and we were so far away from having any of that.