Infatuation

“I need to go, Beau.” I shake my head, not sure if I need to clear it, or to stop him from arguing.

“Talk to me, darlin’.” He changes tactics, stepping forward, trying to move closer.

“I have to do this, Beau. I have to go,” I rush out my words. The early morning air bites at my skin, but my body is hot with fear.

“Why do you need to go, Mackenzie?” He takes another step, and this time I retreat.

“You won’t understand. Just let me go.”

“I can’t do that, Mackenzie. I won’t.”

“If you care for me, you will.” I know I’m reaching, and it’s not going to help me, but I can’t just give up.

“Not fucking happening. You don’t know me very well if you think that’s gonna work on me.”

“I need to do this.”

“You don’t know what you need.” He keeps coming at me, pushing and drawing me back at every angle.

“Oh, and you do?” I lash out, done with this back and forth.

“Yes, I fucking do. I’ve been giving you what you need since you’ve been back.”

“Right, because I’m this weak woman, right? I couldn’t possibly know how to look after myself.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Mackenzie.” His eyes flick up to the road as a car travels down it.

“No, you didn’t have to, Beau.”

“What the fuck is really going on here?” His arms fold over his chest, forcing the muscles to compress under his shirt. To anyone looking on it might seem concerning, a male exerting his power to intimidate me, but I know that’s not the case.

“I have to leave. It’s not safe for me anymore.”

“So you’re running?”

“I’m just protecting you, Beau.” He laughs a short, unimpressed laugh, as if the thought is ridiculous. “So you’re gonna walk out in the middle of the night, without a goodbye. That’s what I fucking deserve?”

“No, you deserve so much more, but I knew you wouldn’t let me go.”

“You’re fucking right I’m not letting you go. I’ve already let you go once. I ain’t doing it again. Not when Chad is still out there.”

“You just don’t get it.” My hands move to my temples, trying to force the pressure down. The lies and the deceit build ten-fold as the man I love stands in front of me, oblivious to what I have done. Visions of that night start to weigh me down, distorting my present with the horrible past. “Kenzie.” I hear his voice trying to break through.

“I killed him, okay. He’s gone. He’s not coming back for me. He never was. I made it up. It was a lie. I even tricked myself into believing he was really still out there when I knew. I fucking knew he wasn’t.” My breathing halts as the horrible moment I took his life takes over and the ugly truth spills from my lips.

“Kenzie, listen to what you’re saying.” He takes the last step to me, our eyes connecting as we come chest to chest.

“I did it, Beau. I killed him. It was me or him.” My mind starts to slip into the darkness. The truth is just too much for me. I close my eyes and try to breathe through it, but it feels as if a weight has been dropped on my chest, turning my once strong breaths into short, shallow blasts of air.

“Stay with me, Kenz. Just breathe. Deep breaths.” I hear the softness of Beau’s voice trying to calm me before I’m thrown back to the night my past and present clashed, changing the course of my life forever.

Past Mackenzie

“You promised me till death do us part. Remember, Mackenzie? I’ve come to make sure you honor our vows.” A coldness washes over me at the spitefulness in his voice. I shake my head, clearing my mind and body of the fear. Don’t show him you’re scared. He feeds off it. Taking a deep breath, I decide at that moment if I don’t fight, I’m going to die.

Using my self-defense techniques, I kick out and connect my knee to his balls, while my hand punches his wrist. He falls forward but doesn’t drop the gun. Risking it again, I kick his wrist. This time, the gun slips from his fingers and I dive for it. Just as my fingers wrap around the prize, he rolls me over and pins me with his lower body.

“Why do you keep fighting?” Spit hits my face as the words escape his clenched teeth. “Why couldn’t you let me love you the way I needed to love you?” His disgusting breath hits my face as he leans down closer to my lips. He’s so wrapped up spilling his hate and trying to kiss me, he’s oblivious to the gun in my hand.

You have to do it, Mackenzie. I look into his eyes and I see the man I fell in love with, the soft man who promised me the world. But then I remember everything he’s done. Everything he’s put me through. Every bruised cheek caused by a slap to the face, every broken bone and concussion, every black eye, busted lip, and bloody nose and I realize he never loved me, and he would never change. The man who I married was a lie, simply a persona created to fool the world.

“Because I don’t love you, Chad.” Dread slithers over me, numbing me to what is about to happen. Thick fingers pinch into the soft skin of my neck, and restrict my airways. Black mist swirls around the edge of my mind, drawing me into the sanctity of a peaceful darkness. Maybe this is where I need to be. Maybe I can’t fight anymore. Just as my resolve becomes clear, his fingers tighten and the darkness embraces me, promising me an end to all the ugliness.