In The Afterlight

“You,” Cole repeated slowly, as if Liam’s hearing had been the problem, “are out.”

“What the hell for?” Liam spun toward me, gesturing with his hands, asking me for something I had no intention of giving him. The minute the words had left Cole’s lips, relief had flooded my system. Liam’s expression changed abruptly, darkening as he shook his head and twisted back around in the direction of his brother.

“Why? I’ve done everything you asked—both me and Mike have experience hitting trucks. So why?”

The kids around us began to shuffle their feet and look away, the tension swiftly moving from awkward to painful.

“Because,” Cole said, jumping down from the ladder, “I decided twelve is too many—you guys are practically tripping over each other. We need to be in and out faster and quieter. If you take this personally, you’re an idiot.”

“That’s bullshit,” Liam said, his hands on his hips. “You just want me out of this.”

“Well, your attitude isn’t doing you any favors either, baby brother,” he said, holding out his hand. “Your helmet and gun. You go cool off somewhere. Mike, I need you as another PSF—third door on the right, yes, you got it—”

Liam ripped the gun strap off his shoulder, pushing it into his brother’s chest, and unbuckled the helmet, letting it fall to the floor. He turned on his heel and strode toward the garage’s tunnel door, his body rigid with stiff, furious lines.

I held up one finger to Cole, not waiting to get a negative response from him, and followed Liam out. He was already a good ten feet into the tunnel before I caught sight of him and called, “Hey!”

He stopped, but didn’t turn around. I unclipped my own helmet and approached slowly, recognizing the red staining the back of his neck, the way his hands were clenched into fists—the veins stood out in his forearms, he had such a tight grip.

“Liam,” I said softly. “Look at me.”

“What?” he said, plucking at his fatigues. “Did you need me to hand over these, too?”

“I want you to calm down,” I said. “I’m sorry—but you know it has to be this way.”

“And which way is that?” he asked. “The one where you stand there silently and let me get dismissed like a kid being sent to time-out?”

I let out a sound of frustration. “We have to listen to him. There has to be some kind of order here—structure. Otherwise this whole thing will fall apart.”

Liam stared at me, disbelief fading into a humorless smile. “I get it,” he said as he started walking again. “Believe me, Ruby, I get it.”

By the time we filed back into the Ranch six hours later, he was long gone. Zu was waiting for me in the bunk room, a folded piece of paper clutched in her hands. She watched me as I read it, her eyes making my heart ache.

Finding Liv. Good luck.

I wasn’t upset. I was furious.

“He left without taking any kind of backup—again,” I said, pulling my shirt up over my head and kicking off my fatigues. Zu had already changed into the oversized shirt and boxers she slept in. “Didn’t he?”

She nodded, then held up her notebook with the message, What’s going on? She flipped the page. Why are you acting like idiots?

“Did Chubs tell you to ask me that?”

Zu went back to the first page, underlining the first question twice. What’s going on?

“Just a disagreement,” I assured her, the little lie already gnawing at me. I pulled the worn shirt and sweats on and sat down next to her on my bunk. “Looks like it’s just you and me tonight.”

I lay down on my back and she followed suit. I was grateful for the warmth of her next to me, her presence, which always seemed to sweeten sour situations. I’d spent the rest of the simulation feeling like someone was walking over my grave. I still couldn’t shake the feeling.

She picked up her pen and notebook again and wrote, Are you okay?

“I’ve been better,” I admitted.

You keep going to your bad place, she added. I have one, too. I get trapped there if I stay too long.

I shifted so I could wrap an arm around her shoulders and draw her in closer.

You don’t have to go there alone. She paused, as if collecting her thoughts. Do you remember, right before I left East River, I said I had something to tell you, but I didn’t know how?

“I do.” Thinking about that day was like raking nails down over my heart.

It wasn’t really that I didn’t know how—I wanted the words to be better. More beautiful, I guess. But Lee told me it doesn’t matter, sometimes simplest is best. She turned the page, scribbling the words down quickly. The sound of the pen against the paper was strangely soothing. It doesn’t matter what you do, it won’t ever change how we feel about you. I’m proud to be your friend.

I stared at her, swallowing the knot in my throat. “Thank you. I feel the same way about you. The luckiest day of my life was when I met you. You saw how scared I was—”

It wasn’t because you were scared, Zu wrote, then added quickly, maybe a little, but do you know how I knew we could trust you?

I shook my head, fascinated by this insight into her judgment.

When the people following you, looking for you, started to get really close, you were going to run again, not hide behind Betty. It was because you didn’t want them to accidentally find me either, right?