Ignite

“It was my fault. Everything always is.”

“Would you stop this pity party?” she snapped, sighing in irritation. “Fuck’s sake, Sara, you’re playing the damsel in distress and it’s pissing me off.”

I gulped in surprise.

“What happened to that boisterous, strong girl I helped raise? The one that opened her mouth to anybody speaking to her badly? You’ve gotten all soft, darlin’. The years haven’t been kind on your self-esteem. You need more Lucinda in your life and I’ve got my work cut out for me.”

“I’m not who I was before. Everything about that person was wrong–”

“You were young,” she interrupted, looking me dead in the eye. “You were still learning, and there may have been elements about yourself that you didn’t like, but that didn’t mean you were bad as a whole. You were a terrific girl. Smart, happy, outgoing and Jaxon made you fierce and defensive to anyone that got in your way. That’s the Sara I know. You’ve back peddled. Whether you admit it or not, you need us. I can certainly speak for Jaxon when I say he needs you too. We all need each other.” She leaned over and wiped a fallen tear on my cheek.

“I shouldn’t have said some things to you,” she said quietly, endearment and regret in her tired face. “When Jaxon told me of your sudden change, I pieced it together myself. It was after that final Christmas we’d spent together, when I told you to look after yourself in case you got hurt. I was wrong to say those things to you. I was just scared because I didn’t realize the depth of Jaxon’s affections, Sara, and I’m so sorry to have done that to you.” Her voice broke at the end.

I was fully crying now, and so was she. “I took it too seriously,” I sputtered out. “I was already traumatised by what I grew up around. My father and my mother and how dependent she was of him, and how he’d up and leave her and she’d be destroyed by it. Then you told me about what happened to you, and how Jaxon’s father left you broken hearted, and I got so scared that it would happen to me too because everyone that was meant to be my parent figure had been dependent on men who fucked them over.”

“I know, I know, but Sara, Jaxon wasn’t like that, and you knew that, but I filled your head with the wrong thoughts. I can’t help but wonder what life would have been like if I’d just shut my mouth.”

“The way I was to him, it would have come out eventually with or without your talk. None of it was your fault, Lucinda. I had a lot of growing up to do.”

“I hate that I missed out on five years of this.” She wrapped her arms around me and brought me into a tight embrace. “Whatever happens, you need to know I’ll support you no matter what. Jaxon’s angry, and he’s different, but I believe the old him is still living somewhere inside. He loves you. I know he does.”

I didn’t know whether that was true anymore, but I liked hearing it. We held each other for good while, and when she dropped me off at the house, I walked in there feeling like a load was off my shoulders. I never thought she’d forgive me for the things I did to her son, and for blocking her all this time. It was like breaking out of my chains having a piece of happiness restored in me.

I made my way up the stairs, to the final dreaded task. I walked into what used to be my bedroom and stared at the four large stacked boxes against the wall. I slowly made my way over and eyed the tape that had secured every box was shut tightly over the flaps. Well, can’t open the boxes since I didn’t bring any scissors along. Might as well just do it tomorrow.

I sat down on the ground beside the stack and stared vacantly ahead. Then I pulled out my phone and decided to harass Lexi knowing she was on her way to work. She was happy to hear from me, but I dodged every personal question she asked, skilfully steering every topic away so that we were talking mainly about her. She got the gist that I wasn’t going to be open about what was happening just yet, and though she was pissy about it, my Lexi wasn’t a pusher… that much.

She was in the middle of work and told me she’d ring me later. When I got off the phone with her, I went through my limited contacts list, of other friends I’d gone out with every now and then. There was no one I wanted to talk to, though.

Well, there was Daniel. I hesitated over the call button when I pressed his name, but after many minutes of goading myself, I clicked it and set the phone to my ear.

He picked up barely a ring later. “Hey, you. I tried calling you last night on my way back.”

“I know. I sort of avoided you.”

“I figured.”

Silence.

“What are you up to?” he asked.

“At the house. The furniture will be gone today, hopefully. Then I’ll get the boxes out of the way. Then I’ll be done.”

“Does that mean I’ll be seeing you tomorrow?”

Silence.

“Sara?”

“There are things I still need to figure out. I want to visit my mom’s grave. I want to meet the woman she was close to, and you know I haven’t spent a lot of quality time with Lucinda yet.” These were all just excuses, and I had to remind myself again that Daniel was no fool.

“Take as long you want, babe,” he said, soothingly. That response caught me off guard.

Ugh. I couldn’t do this anymore.

“I’m not going to string you along,” I found myself saying without thought. “I don’t know if I can give you more, Daniel.”

More silence.

“Daniel?”

I heard him sigh on the other end, and it hurt knowing I was causing him pain. Story of my life. I mentally kicked myself, repeating Lucinda’s words. I needed to stop the pity party crap.

“If you change your mind,” he finally spoke, whispering into the phone. “I’m here for you. You’ve got a place in my heart, Sara.”

I’d cried enough lately to fill a lifetime quota of tears spilled, but this tear was inescapable. It rolled down my cheek slowly, feeling cool against the air. It felt like I was letting go of something that could have been great all in the hopes of reaching out to something greater that might not have me. The gamble had to be made, and right here and now, this was the right choice to make.

“Thank you for everything, Daniel. I’ll keep in touch and let you know when I’ll be coming back to work.”