Home Tears

“I do!”

Dani saw that she did. Julia wrapped a hand around the anchor’s rope, and she pulled away from her sister. They were both connected now. Jake and Trenton held on to the rest of the anchor’s rope. Each gave Dani a grim nod.

Dani knew their destination, but she didn’t know if they’d make it or not. “There’s a cave underneath this tree. If I don’t make it, you just swim around the cave and go inside. You keep swimming until you clear the hedge. Then you can swim upward, and you’ll feel the surface from inside the water.” She looked to Trenton. “He knows. He can lead you in, if I can’t.”

Julia gasped. “Shut up. Let’s go.” Then she said, “Dani…” She trailed off, treading water.

“I know.” Dani stopped her. “I know.”

Julia nodded, settled, and Dani saw that her sister was ready.

It wasn’t like the last time, Dani thought before she dropped the anchor. It was time. She was going to find out if death called her number.

Dani—

I’m writing this letter, but I have no way of getting this to you, so it’s not even really for you. Selfish, aren’t I? Well, tough. I don’t know where you are, but you’re right or I’m right. I don’t know which, right now, but this is for me and my mental health. Jake says I need to be ‘sound’ in the head if I have any way to fight this crap that I have. What Jake doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? Wrong. I’m dying and I know it, and he’s got to admit it.

You know what? I’m pretty mad at that, too. Seriously. I’m here and I’m dying, and you’re the one who took off? I bet you’re rich, married, and you already have kids, right?

Jake seems to think you’re dead. Everyone else, too, but I just think it’s because Aunt Kathryn is spreading that rumor out of spite. She thinks you’ve left her, and who could ever leave Aunt Kathryn? Obviously someone who’s dead. (I’m rolling my eyes.)

She’s demented. I know that, but she raised me. And Julia needs her. Jake’s scared to death of her. That always makes me laugh. It’s really the only moments of amusement that I have lately. I just watch to see how nervous he gets whenever she shows her face. It’s so funny how his hand will twitch. He always denies it, but I saw that he sat on his hand today. And his eyes look so strained. Jake’s such a guy. He won’t admit someone could terrify him like that. Oh, and he has this little jerk at the corner of his mouth. He’s got a nervous disorder, but anyway—I’m writing this letter for me because he told me to.

I’m not only dying, but I’m crazy. Crazy and illogical, that’s me, but I’m so far gone on the death road that I don’t even care. That’s kinda funny, too. I can say senseless things like, ‘Oh, how the butterflies are so pretty.’ And everyone will agree and pat my arm and say that the butterflies are gorgeous. And this is in the winter! I told one guy who I saw that he owned a camel in his future. The guy went out and bought a camel! I laughed so hard when Jake told me that. Jake didn’t get it. He just got that cute perplexed look on his face, like he wants to tell me that I’m not making sense, but he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I love that look. I think that’s why I fell in love with him.

But, yeah—that’s the other part of this letter.

You took off after Jake broke up with you. He broke up with you for me, but that’s a little part of history that I want to set right.

Jake didn’t break up with you. I watched you guys. Yes, you were best friends, and you were dating, but you weren’t any couple that I’ve ever seen.

You left him long before he left you, Dani, and you know it. You just put up a wall, and it’s amazing he stuck around as long as he did. He did that because he loves you. Sometimes I just hate you. I really do because it’s not fair how the man who I have fallen completely head over heels for still loves you. I can’t touch whatever part you have in him. And trust me—I’ve tried! The guy just gets this stubborn look and walks away to get me some water or something. We’ve talked about you a lot, but we haven’t talked about you and him, you know?

Anyway, I’m going to die pretty soon, and here’s my confession. I’m not okay that the guy I love with my whole heart still has a part of his for you. I’m not okay with that, and if I were, I’d have to kill myself. I am resolved to it or have reluctantly come to terms with that. I can’t touch what you got with him, but here’s my shallowness peaking—I’m going to be the girl he loved who died. That’s major, and it’ll leave its scars. I know that, and a part of me is happy about it. (I know, so morbid of me.)

I’m dying, Dani, and I’ve known for a while. No one else has. I knew I had cancer before I was diagnosed, but no one will admit that I’m not going to win. I’m not going to be that girl. It’ll be someone else. Probably you or Julia or, I don’t know. I care, but I don’t care.

Anyway, on to more confessions. Did you know that our grandmother is still alive? Of course, now that I’m bedridden, I get told by some guy who’s saying he’s my uncle that our grandmother is in an asylum. I guess his dad shacked up with Grandmum and spurted Mom, Kathryn, and Mae out. It’s pretty amazing what dying will give you. All sorts of people will show up at my bedside and talk all sorts of nonsense that they’d want me to know before I’m dead.

Our uncle is pretty cool. He’s come to visit me a few times. He’s funny, but he’s kind of straight-laced. Not the sort to drink or smoke or have sex, but I’m sure he’s had sex. No one can be that straight-laced, right? ns class="adsbygoogle" style="display:block" data-ad-client="ca-pub-7451196230453695" data-ad-slot="9930101810" data-ad-format="auto" data-full-width-responsive="true">