Hold Me Closer: The Tiny Cooper Story

The key for the actor playing Tiny is to know this: I wanted it. I really, really wanted it. Keep that in mind at all times, even when I’m being foolish.

When the curtain rises, we see a swing set on the stage. There is a brief overture as Tiny swings on his own. Then the music stops for his opening monologue.

TINY:

Love is the most common miracle. Love is always a miracle, everywhere, every time. But for us, it’s a little different. I don’t want to say it’s more miraculous—it is, though. Our miracle is different because some people say it’s impossible. But let me tell you—it’s possible. Very possible.

Tiny leaps off the swing and lands in what seems to be a heap.

TINY:

I fall and I fall and I fall and I fall and I fall. . . .

The swing set is wheeled off, and the EX-BOYFRIENDS march onstage to the start of their song.

[“PARADE OF EX-BOYFRIENDS”]

CHORUS OF EX-BOYFRIENDS:

We are the parade of ex-boyfriends!

EX-BOYFRIEND #1:

You’re too clingy.

EX-BOYFRIEND #2:

You’re too sing-y.

EX-BOYFRIEND #3:

You’re so massive.

EX-BOYFRIEND #4:

I’m just too passive.

EX-BOYFRIEND #5:

I’d rather be friends.

EX-BOYFRIEND #6:

I don’t date tight ends.

EX-BOYFRIEND #7:

I found another guy.

EX-BOYFRIEND #8:

I don’t have to tell you why.

EX-BOYFRIEND #9:

I don’t feel the spark.

EX-BOYFRIEND #10:

It was only just a lark.

EX-BOYFRIEND #11:

You mean you won’t put out?

EX-BOYFRIEND #12:

I can’t conquer my doubt.

EX-BOYFRIEND #13:

I have other things to do.

EX-BOYFRIEND #14:

I have other guys to screw.

EX-BOYFRIEND #15:

Our love has all been in your head.

EX-BOYFRIEND #16:

I’m worried that you’ll break my bed.

EX-BOYFRIEND #17:

I think I’ll just stay home and read.

EX-BOYFRIEND #18:

I think you’re in love with my need.

CHORUS OF EX-BOYFRIENDS:

Tiny Cooper, have no doubt:

You’re the one we can live without.

TINY (in a Sondheimian frenzy):

What’d I do?

What’d I say?

Why did these boys

all go away?

I tried hard to be

who they’d want me to be

though most of the time

I couldn’t help being me.

Was I too loud?

Too quiet?

Why work on the package

when there’s no one to buy it?

Am I not enough of a gay?

Not enough of a guy?

My love life’s a train wreck

so I might as well fly. . . .

CHORUS OF EX-BOYFRIENDS:

Parade!

Of the ex-boyfriends!

Any relationship that starts

inevitably ends!

EX-BOYFRIEND #1:

You wanted me too much.

EX-BOYFRIEND #2:

I can’t be your emotional crutch.

EX-BOYFRIEND #3:

Just look at your size!

EX-BOYFRIEND #4:

You don’t make my hormones rise.

EX-BOYFRIEND #5:

I’ll see you around school.

EX-BOYFRIEND #6:

I hope that we’re cool.

EX-BOYFRIEND #7:

I hope I’m not hurting you.

EX-BOYFRIEND #8:

I’m happily deserting you.

EX-BOYFRIEND #9:

You’re drowning me in texts.

EX-BOYFRIEND #10:

I can’t imagine us having sex.

EX-BOYFRIEND #11:

I guess I’m more of a slut.

EX-BOYFRIEND #12:

I need someone with a nicer butt.

EX-BOYFRIEND #13:

I never really thought it would work.

EX-BOYFRIEND #14:

Don’t make it sound like I’m the jerk.

EX-BOYFRIEND #15:

You’ll never, ever complete me.

EX-BOYFRIEND #16:

I don’t mind if you want to delete me.

EX-BOYFRIEND #17:

I hate it when you hold my hand.

EX-BOYFRIEND #18:

I don’t think you’ll ever truly understand.

CHORUS AND TINY:

The only way to learn

how to make something last

is to be yanked from your future

to reckon with the past.

Parade of ex-boyfriends

you thought you once knew.

Parade of ex-boyfriends,

who are all through with you.

CHORUS:

Your love life’s a train wreck—

TINY:

—so I might as well fly.

CHORUS:

But you must hear our stories—

TINY:

—before I can try.

CHORUS:

Love is not easy.

TINY:

No matter how hard you pretend.

CHORUS:

Any relationship that starts—

TINY:

—inevitably ends.

CHORUS (spoken):

Except.

TINY:

Except?

CHORUS (resumes singing):

Except the one that transcends.

TINY:

Yes, the one that transcends.

Please send the one that transcends!

ACT II, SCENE 2

All the ex-boyfriends leave the stage. Ex-boyfriend #18, WILL, might linger a little bit longer. Because, let’s face it—he’s the most recent, and those tend to linger longer. Which isn’t to say I’m not over it. I am completely over it. Except for those moments when I’m not over it at all.

But eventually Will leaves the stage. Because that’s what he did—he left the stage. Took himself off. Exit, stage right. (Or stage left—whichever works for your blocking—I’m using this more as a metaphor than as a stage direction here.)