Healed

“Anna’s going to meet us at the hospital.” I paused and played with my fingers and turned to look at Bryce. “She sounded funny though. I don’t know what’s up with her. But she was acting weird. Maybe it was a mistake to call her.” My head was pounding even harder now and I rubbed my temples with my fingertips, trying to massage the dull throbbing pain away.

“Then why did you call her?” Bryce sounded annoyed.

“She’s one of my best friends, Bryce.” I looked at him with a frown. “Of course I’m going to call her.”

“Sorry.” He looked away from me.

“Bryce is going through a lot right now, Lexi. Maybe you can cut him some slack.” The Mayor looked at me briefly and it took everything I had to ignore his words. I felt my heart start to tremble as he pulled into the hospital parking lot and I closed my eyes to ignore my hatred of him and started to pray.

“Please, dear God, please don’t let Luke be dead. Please God. Please.” I placed my face down to my hands and pleaded tearfully.

“Lexi, he may already dead.” Bryce opened the door for me and I can see the worry in his eyes. “Are you going to be okay, Lexi?”

“I don’t know if Luke Bryan is the one who died.” The Mayor’s voice is firm and soft but to me his voice sounds like the wails of a banshee. I wanted to put my fingers in my ears so that I could ignore him but, instead, I overpower them both with my screams.

“What do you think, Bryce? Would you be okay?” I pulled away from him and ran into the hospital. “Where is Luke Bryan? Where is Luke Bryan?” I shouted at the nurse sitting at the front. She looked up at me with a sigh. I suppose she was used to people getting anxious and rude when they came into the hospital.

“What is he in for, mam?” She spoke slowly and patiently. I fixated on her uniform; she was wearing a top with yellow smiley suns on it. What sort of uniform is that? I thought to myself. Did she really think that a flowery top was going to make families feel better when their loved ones died?

“He’s dead!” I cried out, wanting to slap her in the face for being so calm. Why wasn’t she reacting? Why wasn’t anyone feeling the same pain and frustration that I was?

“Lexi.” Bryce was next to me; I felt his arm around my shoulder. I shook him off of me and he looked at me with a surprised and hurt expression. It seemed to me that he didn’t understand how much Luke meant to me and how guilty I felt. If I had just spent the day with him, maybe he wouldn’t be dead.

“Where is Luke?” I looked at the nurse with a pleading expression.

“Mam, if you are talking about Luke Bryan, he’s on the third floor … but, mam…” she stood up and called to me as I went running towards the elevators. There was nothing else I wanted to hear from her.

“Lexi wait up,” Bryce called after me as I ran into the elevator and I sighed as I pressed the button to keep the doors open for him. “Lexi, you need to relax. Please.” He grabbed my hands and pulled me in close to him. “You need to breathe; please, just breathe.”

“I can’t breathe, Bryce.” I felt claustrophobic and closed my eyes. “I feel like the world has just stopped but, for some reason, I’m still alive, still seeing, still feeling, still breathing. But inside I feel dead.”

“That’s a normal feeling, Lexi.” He kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear. “When Eddie died, I felt like I had been transported to a far away planet and had been left there all on my own. I know how you feel, Lexi. Please let me be here for you.”

I opened my eyes and saw the tenderness in his, they were gazing into me as if trying to repair my soul. For a second, we were one. We both understood the pain and inner turmoil one experiences when a loved one dies. I knew that he was a kindred spirit and that he cared, he truly cared about me. More than I would have ever believed before. More than I would have ever hoped for.

“Thank you, Bryce.” I spoke softly and squeezed his hand. I needed him to know that I wasn’t pushing him away. I just needed this time to be by myself, to come to terms with the grief that was consuming me and burning a fire in my soul.

“I’m looking for Luke Bryan.” I ran up to a doctor who was walking past me. “Please, please, tell me where he is.”

He looked at me with a funny expression and pointed down the hallway. “Go past the desk, look in the third door on the right; I think he’s in there.”

“Okay. Thank you.” I started running down the hall, but stopped when I got to the desk. I was scared. I didn’t want to go to the room. I wanted to postpone the moment. I didn’t want to accept that he was dead. Maybe if I just went home, I could pretend, pretend that he had just gone on a trip to Boston and that he would be back. I could wait for him to return. Maybe, if I prayed hard and long enough, he would come back. Maybe it was time for me to start believing in miracles. I turned around, suddenly feeling calm and grabbed Bryce’s hand.

“We can go.” I smiled at him. I felt as if I were walking on air.

“What’s going on, Lexi? You haven’t been in the room as yet?” He frowned at me and I reached over and rubbed his temples.

“You must stop frowning, Luke.”

“I’m Bryce.”

“Oh, sorry.” I bit my lip. “Shall we go and get a shake?”

“Don’t you want to see Luke?” Bryce came to a halt.

“I don’t want to see.” My eyes widened in fear. “I don’t want to see him. Please.”

“Lexi…” Bryce’s voice trailed off as his phone rang. “It’s my dad.” He put the phone back in his pocket.

“You can answer it.”

“I’ll call him back once you have done what you need to do, Lexi. I’m sure he just wants to rush home to get ready for another date.”

“He’s still your father, Luke.”

“I’m Bryce, Lexi.”

“Sorry, my brain is a little fogged up right now.”

“Let’s go in the room.” He turned me around and we walked until we reached the third door on the right. “Do you want me to walk in with you?”

“I think I should go in by myself,” I whispered. Bryce nodded and stepped back and I took a deep breath and walked in the door. I was overwhelmed as soon as I set foot inside the room. It was crowded and I felt my blood pressure soaring as I scanned the room to look in the beds. And then I saw him. My Luke. And I fainted once again. Only this time I didn’t see Luke’s childhood face. This time I was in a meadow and there were blue butterflies flying around saying my name, “Lexi, Lexi, Lexi.” And I thought to myself, I never knew butterflies could talk.

Chapter 2

Bryce

I don’t like hospitals. They make me think of death. And only death. When I was in boot camp, we had all talked about our least favorite spots. The guys had laughed when I had told them that I hated hospitals most of all. Even though babies are born there? Someone had asked me one could dreary night when we wanted our minds to be on anything other than the war. I’ve never met a baby, I had told him, not one that I’ve held and bonded with. I didn’t associate hospitals with babies. Just death. And I’ve known too many people who have died.

I kept my back against the wall as I waited for Lexi. I didn’t want to see her face as she saw Luke’s limp, lifeless body. I didn’t want to see the heartache and crushing pain in her eyes. I couldn’t bear to see it. She shouldn’t have to go through this. I’d brought my curse to her. I felt my fist clench and I released it, tapping my foot instead.

“OMG, is she okay?” I heard a little kid scream and I ran into the room. Lexi was lying on the ground, lifelessly. I felt my heart clench. She had fainted again. She must have seen him then. It was true then. Luke was dead. I should have felt relief, but all I felt was an incredible sadness pass through me.

“Shelby, go and get the doctor so he can make sure she is okay. She hit her head when she fainted.” The voice was concerned, husky and familiar. I looked up and froze as I saw Luke standing in front of me.

“Okay, Lukey, I’m going now.” The little girl ran past me and out into the corridor.

“Gimme a hand won’t you, Bryce.” Luke nodded towards Lexi and we lifted her up and put her on an empty bed.

“What are you guys doing here?” Luke frowned at me.

“We came to see you.”

“How did you know I was here?” He looked a little nervous and I wondered what he was doing in the hospital.

“My dad ... wait ... how comes you are alive?”

“How comes I’m alive?” Luke laughed. “Do you want me dead or something, Bryce?”

“No, no. Of course not.” Which was true. I didn’t want him dead. I just wanted him to be out of Lexi’s life.

“So?” He questioned me.

“My dad told us there had been an accident, a fatality, and then he said you were in the hospital. We just assumed there was a connection.”

“Sorry. I’m still alive.”

“I didn’t want you to…” I trailed off as Lexi groaned. I leaned down and looked at her. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I thought I saw Luke.” She smiled, weakly and I nodded to her other side. She turned her head and saw Luke and I saw the shock and happiness in her face. Her eyes lit up and I felt a jab of jealousy.

“Luke, is that you?” Her voice was breathless as if she thought she was talking to an angel.

“Yes, Lexi.”

“Am I in heaven?”

“No, Lexi.” He laughed and I groaned inside. “I wasn’t in the accident. I don’t know who died, but it wasn’t me.”

“Oh thank God.” She sat up and grabbed him. “Don’t you ever do that to me again, Luke Bryan.” She buried her face in his chest and I looked away, heart pounding. So this is what jealousy feels like, I thought. I’d never felt this odd sensation of mind-numbing hurt and pain before; the hollow thudding in my chest was a foreign experience and, as I watched Lexi and Luke out of the corner of my eye, I felt like I wanted to throw up. Never had a sensation overwhelmed me as much as it did now. And then she pulled away from him and turned around and smiled at me, and that fleeting green monster disappeared from my body.

“He’s alive, Bryce.” She beamed at me, tears of happiness flowing from her eyes.

“I see that.” I knew that words sounded dry coming out of my mouth, but I didn’t know how to fake a relief I didn’t really feel. It wasn’t that I wanted Luke to have died. Far from it. I just didn’t feel any particular way, now that he was alive.

“I should call Anna, tell her you are okay.” Lexi avoided my eyes and spoke directly to Luke as she walked out of the room. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” Luke’s voice and mine echoed out at the same time. I felt a wash of gut-wrenching fear in my stomach, it was becoming a familiar feeling every time Lexi mentioned Anna and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could put off telling her. I wanted us to move on in our relationship, but I didn’t want to do that with any secrets. I needed to know she accepted me a hundred percent for who I was and what I had done.

“The doctor is on his way, Luke.” The little girl walked back in the door and smiled shyly at me. She had a bandana on her head and gaunt cheeks. I smiled back at her, taken aback by the way her big, blue eyes seemed to engulf her face.

“Thanks, Shelby.” Luke gave her a quick hug. “Now get back into bed and rest.”

“But I want to play charades. You promised.”

“I promise to play if you rest some more.”

“Promise?” She got into the bed and put her thumb in her mouth.

“I promise.”

“Okay.” She leaned back and pulled the bandana off of her small head. I tried to keep my smile plastered on my face as I stared at the top of her head. She was bald. I’d never seen a little girl who was bald before. It suddenly reminded me of my surroundings.

“I don’t mind if you stare.” She turned to me with a small smile. A smile that tugged at my heartstrings.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare,” I mumbled, embarrassed.

“I have cancer,” she said, matter-of-factly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I got to meet Luke,” she mumbled, sucking on her thumb.

“Oh?”

“He…”

“I’ll explain more to Bryce, Shelby. You just sleep now. You’ve had too much excitement for the day.”

“The girl fell.” Shelby looked at us with worried eyes.

“Yes, but she’s okay now.”

“Good. She was pretty.” And, with that, Shelby closed her eyes. Luke pressed his hand to her forehead and stood there for a while, watching the girl.

“Is she your sister?”

He looked up at me in surprise and he stared into my eyes with a searching look. “No.” He spoke slowly, frowning.

“Your niece?”

“No.”

“Cousin?”

“She’s not related to me.” He ushered me towards the door. “I met her through volunteering.”

“Oh, okay.” It figured that Luke was a do-gooder. He was literally better than me in every way possible. I suppose it had to with our DNA, his parents must have both been good stock, while I had one parent that was likely related to Satan himself.

“Let’s make sure Lexi is okay.” Luke’s voice was firm and I followed him out of the room, stopping to look back at the bed before I walked out. Shelby looked so tiny and frail lying there. I felt my heart skip a beat as I stared at her peaceful face, sleeping. Life was so unfair sometimes. Such a small child should be running around and having fun—not sleeping in a hospital room. I wanted to ask Luke her story. For some reason I was drawn to this little girl.