Healed
Page 13I shook my head at Bryce’s words. I can honestly say those thoughts had never crossed my mind.
“It’s kind of funny, you know. That a fish wouldn’t have figured it out already. I know there’s all kind of bait, but really a worm is like a sign to the fish. The worm is begging the fish to see it and think, I don’t normally see worms underwater. This must be a trap. But no, the fish is as greedy as any human being. He doesn’t use his brain and think trap, he just sees instant food and goes for it.”
I nodded my head. He had a point, I suppose. “Is this an analogy then? Fish are as greedy as humans?”
“No. More like a warning for life. Maybe we should think critically before we make any actions. You know?”
“Yeah. I do.” I sighed and looked down at the ground.
“But sorry to bore you. How are you?” He rubbed my shoulder and I tried not to flinch at his touch. As I looked into his handsome face, I was once again amazed at just how perfect looking he was. His blue eyes are so wide and open. So pure and innocent and the gold tints in his blond hair, shone like they had been polished. As I stared at him, I can see why the younger me had been infatuated with him. He was everything a girl like me could dream of.
“I’m good. A little tired. How are you feeling?”
“Tired. Frantic. Angry. All cried out. Despondent.” He cracked a half-smile. “But I’m also hopeful. Really hopeful. I think that I can take charge of my life. You know. With all the love and support you’ve given me. That you’ve always given me.”
I gulp as he talks. So this was it then. He needed me. I was stuck to him at this point. It was my duty and obligation to provide him strength now.
“I’m glad you have hope.” I looked away quickly. I felt the tell tale signs of burning in my eyes. I knew that I was about to cry.
“I’m sorry about Anna.” His voice broke as he said her name. I realized that he must have been really despondent. “I shouldn’t have let it happen.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” I was in no position to pass judgment now that I’d slept with Luke. My darling precious Luke.
“It was wrong. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, Lexi.”
I couldn’t stop the tears as they sprung from my eyes. The rest of his life. The rest of my life. With Bryce. I couldn’t imagine it. What was a life if I had to be with someone I didn’t love?
“Lexi, are you okay?” He brought me in close to him and I sobbed into his shoulders. I couldn’t let him know that these tears were for Luke and me. It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t to know that I’d been living in a fantasy world and that the love of my life had been next door all along. “Lexi, look at me. Are you okay?” He pulled my face up to look at his and we stood there staring at each other, wordlessly. He leaned down to kiss me and we stood there with our arms around each other, but unable to bring our two lips together.
“Lexi, you should know that Anna and I went out for shakes last night.” He let out a deep sigh. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just thought that she needed a friend.”
“It’s okay.” I look at him in wonder. “You know Anna’s not a bad person. I haven’t been the best friend she has needed in a long time.”
“She’s really funny,” he said, wistfully. “I never knew that she was so funny and honest.”
“She is isn’t she? And she’s a good listener.”
“I know.” He sat down on the grass and I joined him. “Has she ever had a real boyfriend?”
“No, not really.” I leaned back and stared at the sky. “Neither of us has really. We were both just too busy dreaming and planning.”
“Creating castles out of clouds?”
“Yeah.” I picked a piece of grass and played with it in my fingers. “We were great at building castles. Maybe too good.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Eddie was gay, you know,” he blurted out and I rolled over in surprise.
“What?”
“He was gay,” he sighed. “I didn’t really know until right before he died. He made a move at me. Said some things. I didn’t know how to react.” He tensed. “I was uncomfortable and confused. And I felt like I didn’t even know him anymore. I’m so mad that I made it about me. I can only imagine how much worse he had felt, coming clean to me.”
“But he tried to rape me?” I frowned. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“I think he was trying to make a man out of himself. I think he was trying to prove to himself that he liked women. I think he was drunk and confused. And he was trying to prove his love to me in some way. I was soo angry at you,” Bryce sighed. “I’m not really sure exactly. But I f**ked up. I f**ked up by trying to get revenge on you and I f**ked up when he told me he was gay. I didn’t know what to think. I’m not homophobic but, you know, I just acted really badly.”
“It’s still not your fault he killed himself, Bryce.” I reached over and held his hands. “It seems like he had a lot of demons.”
“I know. But I certainly didn’t help. And I will have to face that knowledge for the rest of my life. Anyways, I just thought it was important to say. Anna thinks that he didn’t like her because she’s not pretty enough, but it had nothing to do with her looks. He, he just wasn’t into women. I, I wanted her to know that. But I don’t really know if I should say anything. I don’t know if she is still in love with him?”
Something in me twitched as he spoke. It was in the way he had said Anna’s name and the way his eyes had glazed over that made me think that he had some sort of feeling for her. More than just concern that she know that Eddie hadn’t dissed her because he hadn’t thought she was cute enough.
“She’s really pretty, you know. I mean, I guess I can see how she can feel like second best, being friends with you; she’s one of those girls you have to really get to know to fully appreciate her. But she’s beautiful. I wish she knew it.” He laughed, nervously. “I’m sorry for talking about her still. I just wish she knew how beautiful she really is.”
“Bryce, I’m going to ask you something.” I looked at him, seriously. “I want you to answer honestly, okay?”
“Okay.” He swallowed hard and I could tell he was nervous.
“Do you like Anna?”
“What?” He looked at me with a shocked expression and I held a hand up.
“I just want the truth, please. It’s okay.” I held my breath as I waited for his answer. This could be the answer to all my prayers I thought. This could be the key to us both letting go.
“I don’t know how it happened, Lexi.” He looked away. “I just feel like we have a special connection. Maybe it’s because both of our mom’s are dead.”
I tried to hide the smile that was spreading across my face. “So you like Anna, right?”
“I’ll still marry you, Lexi. I want to be the guy you believed in for all those years.”
“I don’t love you, Bryce,” I spat out before I could stop myself. “I’m sorry and I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t love you, not like that. I thought I did. For soo many years, I thought you were the perfect guy and my savior, but it was a dream. There are no perfect guys and there are no saviors. And that’s okay. I’m okay with that.”
“You don’t love me?” He looked at me with a hurt expression and I was still worried that I had made a huge mistake and misread the situation, but then he started laughing. He was laughing so hard that he started coughing and I looked at him in concern, worried I had pushed him to the breaking point.
“I’m sorry, Bryce.” I peered down at him and he grabbed me and pulled me towards him.
“Oh Lexi Lord, do you know how much I love you right now?” He kissed my cheeks and hugged me hard. “Thank you.” And then he started crying. I could feel his tears running from my hair down my face and dropping on my arms. They were warm and cooling, all at the same time and I just held him as he cried. We lay there for about ten minutes and then Bryce pulled away from me.
“As you can see, I’m a bit of a mess still.”
“Aren’t we all?”
“No. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He rolled his eyes. “It actually makes me feel better.”
“Because you love Anna?”
He shook his head. “No, no I don’t know if I love Anna.” He laughed. “It makes me feel more comfortable to be myself and make mistakes.”
“Huh?”
“I felt like you saw me as your Prince Charming. And I’m not. I’m barely an average guy who’s trying to work out his demons. I was worried that you would always be disappointed in the real me.”
“Oh Bryce,” I sigh. “I never wanted you to feel that kind of pressure from me.”
“It’s okay.” He shook his head and laughed. “And I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I think you should give Luke a chance.”
“What?”
“He loves you, Lexi. I don’t know if you see it, but he really loves you.” I felt my face go red as he spoke and I closed my eyes.
“I have to tell you something.” My voice was uncertain. “Please don’t hate me.”
“What is it, Lexi?” He looked at me, worried.
“I kinda love Luke and we kinda, you know.”
His eyes popped open and his mouth dropped. “You didn’t?”
I nodded, embarrassed and worried. I didn’t want him to be angry with me. I knew that I should have waited to have a conversation with Bryce before I let myself go into Luke’s arms.
“Wow.” He laughed and shook his head. “No wonder Luke was acting so cagey.”
“Bryce, I want to ask you something. And I need you to tell me the truth.”
“Of course, Lexi.”
“Why were you and Luke at the hospital together the other day?”
“You know about that?” His eyes looked worried and he sat up. “You haven’t told anyone about that have you?”
“No.” I sigh, anxiously. “I only know because I overheard a conversation Luke had with someone.”
“He didn’t tell you?”
“No. Why do you think I’m asking you?”
“For what to get out, Bryce?”
“I suppose you have a right to know.”
“To know what?” I was losing patience.
“Do you remember that little girl we met in the hospital the other day. Shelby?”
I shook my head in confusion. “No, what little girl?”
The girl in the room when you fainted. You know, when you saw Luke. I wracked my brain and tried to remember a little girl and a vague memory popped up. “I think so. Why?”
“Well, I’m not sure how to say this.”
“Is she your kid Bryce?”
“No.” He laughed. “No.”
“Oh my God, she’s Luke’s kid isn’t she? He lied to me? He told me he never had sex. I wondered how he was so good.” Oops. I blushed at my words. “That’s why he hasn’t told me? He’s scared of what I’ll do if I find out he has a kid?”
“That’s quite a story, Lexi but no, that’s not it either.” Bryce laughed and I sighed with relief. “Shelby’s our sister, Lexi.”
“What?” I stared at him, flabbergasted. “What did you just say?”
“The kid your mom gave up. That’s Shelby. She had cancer. My mom was going to adopt her and now I’m trying to.”
“Wait, what?” I tried to grasp everything he was saying. “You found our sister?”
“I didn’t find her.” He paused. “But she is our sister.”
“How do you know?” I frowned.
“Luke told me.”
“What?” I jumped up. “What do you mean? When? How did he even know?”
“He did some work at the orphanage. He saw the records,” Bryce sighed. “Don’t be mad with him, Lexi.”
“But I never told him my mom had a kid. Never. I was too ashamed. And he knew I was lying the whole time. He just pretended he didn’t know.” The tears popped up again. “How could he do this to me?” My heart was pounding and I felt like I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.
“Lexi, I’m positive he didn’t do this to hurt you.”
“What is he? Your best friend now?” I turned away from him and started walking back to my car. “Are you the reason why he went to go and see a lawyer as well? Is he helping you to get our sister behind my back?” I shouted as I started to run.
“Wait, what?” Bryce ran after me. “What are you talking about? What lawyer?”