Hate to Love You

I was wrong.

The lights were low when I walked through the front entrance. Only a single lamp was on at the front desk, and the girl there was sleeping, her head cradled by her arms over a textbook. Her snores were quiet as I went past and opened the door to our hall.

Like the last time I left, the hall was dark. There was minimal light from a few places down the hall illuminating the carpet.

I got ready for bed at Shay’s, so I only had to go inside my dorm room and slip into bed.

I hadn’t gone a few steps before I heard from the darkness, “He doesn’t know about me, does he?”

My heart leapt into my chest, fear slamming my throat. I stopped, and then a shadow detached itself from the floor.

Phoebe stood from where she’d been sitting and took a few steps toward me. Her hand was on the wall as if she was a little unsteady. Her eyes were narrowed, and her head cocked to the side, making me think she was deep in thought. I didn’t see any malice from her face, but a shiver raised the hairs on the back of my neck anyway.

I swallowed, taking an instinctive step backward before stopping myself.

“You don’t have to be scared of me.”

A grunt left me before I caught myself. “Not the best comment to lead with.”

She stared at me, almost calm, but I couldn’t shake the uneasiness growing in my gut. She laughed, half of her face lighting up in a smile. “That’s true. I never thought about that.” She itched at her ear. “I meant what I said, though. You don’t have to be scared of me.”

A slightly unhinged laugh slipped out. “A second comment you shouldn’t have to say.”

Her gaze grew clouded, her forehead wrinkling. “I haven’t been able to shake this feeling.”

The hairs on my neck were sticking straight up.

That feeling that I already knew her came back, and it was twisting inside me.

How did I know her?

“She still cares about him.” She frowned. That dead look in her eyes found me again.

I couldn’t stop myself. I took another step backward.

“Phoebe.” My voice started to shake. I stopped myself, waiting until I knew my voice would be firm. “I’m not trying to be rude here, but you’re starting to scare the shit out of me.” Fake the fear. Shake her. Make her feel insecure. Instead of being on the defense, go on the offense. It might jar her, enough where I could get to my room.

“I get that.”

Nope. Total failure.

She sounded completely normal, as if I wished her a casual goodnight.

Seriously, how did I know her? I know I did. I couldn’t shake it.

I needed a plan B. My gut was telling me to be prepared. Unlike the last time when I didn’t get warning, she was taking her sweet time. I had a whole bunch of warning here.

I reached inside my pocket where my phone was and felt over the keys until I hit 9-1-1.

If I hung up, I didn’t know if they would come, but I wanted to call Shay. He’d been promoted to speed dial number two. I could do it.

I ended the call and felt around, hitting the right buttons until I felt my phone buzzing from the ringing.

I made a mental note, thanking myself that I silenced my phone before wanting to go into the room. I hadn’t wanted to wake Kristina and Casey up.

“I heard about you last semester. All the girls were talking about you. Shay’s like a celebrity here.” She lifted a shoulder, holding it against her cheek a moment. “I never told anyone I knew him. I mean, I kind of do. I kind of don’t. I didn’t actually go to the school where Cameron and Shay did. My parents homeschooled me. Said I was different. Special. They found out about my weird habits, and I became something else. Scary. I overheard one of Cameron’s girlfriends saying that about me. I don’t know why she would care. I mean, it isn’t like my brother cared about me or anything. Sabrina’s the only one who does. She visits me sometimes.”

I coughed. “She told me that.”

She nodded, letting her shoulder drop again, and she raised her arms to hug herself tightly. Her eyes didn’t track back to mine.

Maybe I didn’t need to worry?

Maybe I had overreacted?

I started to wonder, and then Phoebe kept talking. “You see, I normally wouldn’t care. I don’t care about a lot of people, but I like Sabrina. She’s the glue that makes Cameron still like me sometimes.” Her head whipped back to mine.

I sucked in my breath, startled by how piercing her gaze was.

It was so clear, like she knew exactly what she was saying, what she was doing.

She asked, “Your brother loves you. I can tell from the things I’ve heard. That’s nice. You’ve never had to feel like a burden to your family. I did. That’s how Cameron looked at me. Me and Shay. Cameron used to be so jealous of Shay. He liked him, but he hated him, too.” A soft laugh slipped from her.

It sent another wave of chills down my spine.

“I felt this camaraderie with Shay. He was all my brother thought about. He had to get the girls Shay got. He had to break the records Shay made. He had to get better grades than Shay. All these things.” Her head hung low. She was still hugging herself tightly. “It made it all confusing in my head. Things go round and round. You stop noticing what’s up or down, where the ground is. You just focus on what’s ahead of you.” She paused, lost in thought.

I edged backward, pressing against the closed door. I could run this way if I had to. Sprint for it.

“I came here because of Shay. I wanted to keep an eye on him for Cameron. If he did well, I wanted my brother to know. He could break Shay’s record at his school. That was the plan. Shay doesn’t know me, but I know him. I know him better than anybody.”

Her eyes found me again.

I felt sick to my stomach.

“I do know you, don’t I?”

She ignored my question. “I probably know him better than even you.”

My mouth was parched. I tried to talk, but nothing came out. A whisper then, “You’re a freshman?”

“Sophomore. I’m here because I couldn’t get a single in a regular sophomore dorm. No one wanted to room with me. The girl they assigned to me refused, so they put me back here. The RA knows about me, about my special circumstances.”

Her special circumstances?

That she was a psycho?

I tried again, my voice a little louder now, “What circumstances?”

“That I’m crazy.”

She said it as if it made total sense and I was the idiot for not acknowledging it.

My eyes shot to hers. “What?”

She rolled hers. “I’m angry at him because he’s only allowed my brother to be number two all his life. Cameron deserves to be number one. Then Sabrina entered the picture. Shay dated her, and I didn’t care. She didn’t know my brother. That changed one day.” Her eyes narrowed. Her face tilted to the side again, still watching me with the unnerving resolve. “It was the end of classes, and I begged my parents to make Cameron pick me up. He did, and Sabrina was there. We lived on the same dorm floor last year. She was walking out as he was walking in, and he did a double take. I think he fell in love that day with her.” Her gaze darkened, and her top lip curled up. “I knew it was my job to watch over them, and they were doing great . . . until she met you.” Her head lowered, but she never looked away from me. “She wants another chance with Shay, and as long as you’re here, as long as she keeps running into you, I know she can’t help herself. You’ll remind her what she didn’t have with him, and she’ll always yearn for a second shot.”

She snarled.

It hit me then. The library.

My eyes bulged out. “You were there, at the library.”

She pulled back, her eyes narrowing.

“Yes!” It came back then. “You were standing by the doors watching Shay. I saw you, and you saw me, and then you started reading like you hadn’t been watching him.”

I hadn’t cared, or noticed. I was avoiding Shay then. It was so long ago, but Shay found me. He walked right past her like she hadn’t been there at all and dragged me out to study for a quiz. I hadn’t looked for her again.

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