Hard to Love You

My shoulders sag in defeat, I did this to her. I turn her face so she’s looking at me again. “I didn’t kiss Lily, you know that I didn’t.” I don’t look away and I don’t blink.

She stares back at me, “Then why did you have her in that corner, Mase?”

I close my eyes, praying she trusts me. “I can’t tell you that just yet. Just trust me though, please. I’ve never let you down before, Hailey, and I’m not going to start now.”

She looks intently at me for so long I’m not sure what to think. I don’t look away though. I’m begging her with my eyes to understand.

After what feels like forever, but what’s probably only been minutes, she says, “And I can’t be with you until you tell me. I can’t go around thinking all these crazy thoughts in my head. You know I’ve got issues. I hate that unwanted, unloved feeling and that is exactly how I feel right now. We’ve kept enough secrets and I’m over it, Mase. I’m f**king done.” A lone tear runs down her cheek, I want to reach out and brush it away but I can’t. I’m dumbfounded by her words. We always fight, that’s us. There is no in-between; we’re either hot or cold.

I look her in the eyes one last time before I turn to leave and say the words that I will only ever say to her, “I love you, Hailey, only and always you.” I turn on my heel and leave her there.

2

I haven’t spoken to Mason in two weeks. I’m avoiding him like the plague. I know I’m not going to be able to keep that up with MacKenzie’s wedding looming over me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy for my best friend and Hunter; they deserve it after all the shit they’ve been through. I just wish Mason wasn’t part of it.

After we walked out of the bathroom at Kenzie’s bachelorette party and found Mason with Lily, I wanted to junk punch him. Much like what Kenzie did to Lily. I knew Mason had girls chasing after him all day, every day, with being a pitcher in the minor leagues, but I thought I actually meant something to him. Apparently I was wrong. Asshole! Kenzie has been checking in on me every day, I know she’s worried about me; my track record with boys isn’t exactly great.

A knock startles me from my thoughts; I stand up from my bed and go to see who it is. I figure it’s my mom checking on me before she leaves for work.

I open the door and I’m greeted with more stargazers; I sigh and grab the vase, placing them on my desk next to the others; they’ve been arriving every other day for the last two weeks. Every time they come they are different but every time they are beautiful. This time they came in a pink, square vase with an iridescent bow. All the flowers are pink except the center one, which stands out as an exquisite red rose. They are gorgeous, but now I kind of regret telling Mason what my favorite flowers are because he’s tainting them.

Mom sighs heavily. “Give the boy a break and at least talk to him before he goes broke, Hailey.”

I shake my head, “No. I’m not giving in and I hope he does go broke, serves him right.”

She chuckles and wraps me in her arms. “Love you, Baby. Hang in there.”

I squeeze her back, that’s all I can do, I don’t trust my voice.

After another few moments she gives me one last squeeze, “Well, I’m off to work. I’ll be home later tonight.

“Alright, see you in the morning.” I walk over to the flowers and pick the card out.

“Hailey?”

“Yeah Mom?”

“Get out of the house for a little while; it’ll do you some good. Go see that cute little Ryder that I know you love.” She smiles at me and then closes my door behind her.

I sit on my bed and curl my legs up to my chest. I play with the card in my hand for a while before I get the courage to open it and see what he’s come up with this time.

Hailey ~

Talk to me.

You owe it to yourself, to us, to me.

Always,

Mason

The tears start. I lie back against my pillows and grab for the pink bear that Mason won for me years ago. I cry for him every day. I want my Mason back, my hot headed, over the top Mason, or even my cold hearted one. I just want him. I know he loves me. I know deep down inside. But why? Why did he have Lily pushed up into that nook in the wall? Did he think he would never get caught? Maybe I was just fooling myself. Maybe he only liked me because I was always there. Not knowing what’s going on in his head is eating me alive. I know I’m going to have to talk to him but not until I’m strong enough. Mom is the only one who knows how much this is killing me. I’m not weak like my sister says I am; I’ll stand up for myself once I find myself again.

Eventually, I cry myself to sleep until my ringing phone wakes me into a sleepy fog.

I run my finger across the phone, answering it, “Hello?” Once the fog clears, I cringe; praying it isn’t Mason on the other end.

I hear sniffles, “Hello?” I say again.

“Hailey, I look like a whale in my dress. Where are you?” Kenzie whines into the phone.

I take a deep breath; my maid of honor duties are needed. “Kenz, you don’t look like a whale, Sweetie. Why do you have your dress on anyway?”

She takes a shuddering breath, “I’m at the bridal shop for my last fitting.”

Shit! I was supposed to go with her and I completely forgot because I’ve been living in my own head and not being the friend that I should be.

I leap off the bed and take a quick glimpse in the mirror. Crap, I look like hell. Eyes puffy and bloodshot, mascara running down my cheeks and my hair is a hot mess. “Kenz, give me fifteen minutes, I’ll be right there.”

“No. It’s ok; you’ve got a lot going on.” Her voice breaks.

“I’m coming. Love ya. See you in a few.”

Fifteen minutes later I’m pulling into the dress shop parking lot. I quickly grab my purse and make my way inside to talk my best friend off the ledge.

I walk up to the counter and ask where I can find her. Thankfully it’s a small shop and they know exactly who I’m talking about.

I approach the dressing room and I hear the sniffles again. I knock on the door, “Kenz?”

The door slowly opens and Kenzie pokes her head out. I smile and she frowns. She opens the door wider and I push my way in. I set my purse down on the bench but keep my sunglasses on. I didn’t need her pity. This is all about her. I turn and suck in a breath, my hand covers my mouth and the tears start again.

“See! I look like a whale, Hails. I can’t wear this dress.” She turns her back towards me, “Unzip me, I need out of this dress.”