Goodmans Hotel

I took them up to the second floor to show them their rooms. They followed me into the first, all of them crowding in after me. 'This one is at the front of the house,' I said.

'We're at the front of the house now, lads,' a Geordie voice imitated.

'Toilet and shower are through here.'

'Toilet and shower through there.'

'First time I've noticed an echo in the room. Will this do for two of you?'

'Will this do for two of us? Was that an echo, or might it have been a parrot? Very high class - we'll have to take our shoes off before we get into bed here.' The impudence came from a tall redhead, who stood in front of me with his shoulders back, his stance revealing a slight paunch. When I turned to move on to the next room they crowded around the door, blocking my exit. 'Excuse me, if two of you would like to see the next room...'

'Come on now, don't block the door, let the man through.' They inched apart slightly, making room for me to squeeze between them. The whole group followed me into the next room, the sound of their voices ever louder as we progressed. One of them picked up a wrapped condom from the glass shelf above the wash-basin and asked, 'How did you know what size to get us?'

The redhead answered for me: 'Worried it'll be too big for you?'

'Too small!'

'All talk!'

When they had seen the three double rooms they argued about who was to share with whom. As rude accusations about personal habits echoed around the floor I put the keys in the doors and turned to go downstairs. Darren was coming up towards me. 'Sounds like a coach party,' he said.

'Yes.' We could hear the Geordies hauling their bags around, presumably having decided who was to sleep where.

'I'm not working tomorrow evening or Sunday afternoon. I could help out, if there's anything you want doing.'

'Let's see how it goes.' He climbed past me onto the landing, where one of the Geordies spotted him and signalled to the others. Suddenly silent they emerged from their rooms to watch his skinny figure climb up the next flight of stairs. 'Where on earth did you get that?' the redhead asked, his blue eyes open wide.

'He helps out here, with the gardens mostly. Sorry, you won't be seeing much of him, he has a full-time job in a burger bar.'