Going Bovine

“—and push those musical vibrations into the universe in order to puncture a hole in the fabric of space-time and gain passage. It worked. Within minutes, he was gone. So was the Infinity Collider. We had to build this one from scratch.”

Dr. M sighs. “We haven’t seen or heard from Dr. X since. For all we know, he’s trapped in an alternate universe.”

“When was that?” I ask.

“Eleven years ago,” Dr. A says. “I remember because it was the same night the Copenhagen Interpretation played their Big Benefit Concert for Peace but Against Non-Peace and People Generally Being Not Nice. Great show. I think there was an aurora borealis. That’s what my girlfriend told me.”

“That was also the night they disappeared,” I say.

On TV, Dr. X’s somber face fills the screen. “Why must we die when everything within us was born to live?” He shakes the snow globe of the angel and it blurs with fake snow.

Connections. Dulcie said everything was connected. Maybe if I can duplicate Dr. X’s experiment, I can find that connection.

“Can you send me through to wherever Dr. X went?”

“Depends on whether you’re deterministic or probabilistic.” Dr. O laughs, but no one else does. “That’s a joke,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Anyway, it’s possible. A record of his trip might still be imprinted there, like an echo.”

“We don’t know that for certain,” Dr. A says. “We’ve never been able to duplicate Dr. X’s experiment. There’s the possibility we could create a small black hole. Or you could enter another world and not come back. You could cycle through worlds indefinitely, like the Flying Dutchman.”

“But if he leaves an XL-gravitron—a sort of ‘parallel-world footprint’—we’d have proof,” Dr. M says, pacing. He lowers his voice. “It could mean funding.”

“Hmmm,” the scientists all say at once.

Gonzo whispers in my ear. “What if that thing pushes you into another reality where you’re a Grade-A wanker with no girlfriend. Oh wait. That would be this reality. Never mind.”

“Fuck off,” I whisper, and Gonzo’s smile widens.

“What’s that?” Dr. A asks.

“Nothing,” I say.

Grinning, Dr. T holds up a finger. “There’s no such thing as nothing. In every nothing, there’s a something. In fact, there could be everything!”

“New sales slogan,” Dr. O explains. “Our research is also being funded by the Pursuit of Happiness Corp. Pursue happiness at all costs.”

“Been there,” Gonzo mutters. “Extreme happiness, not all it’s cut out to be.”

I stare at the picture of Dr. X and his wife.

“Where do I sign up?”

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

Of What Happens When I Take a Little Trip Through Time and Space. Calabi Yau!

Gonzo and I sit on the porch watching the turbines spin against a night sky polka-dotted with stars. Balder’s off hunting. He insisted I couldn’t go into the Infinity Collider without a proper Viking feast worthy of Valhalla. For the past hour, while we wait for Gonzo’s phone to charge, he’s been arguing against going into the Infinity Collider.

“I’m just saying, dude, that thing doesn’t look promising.”

“You got a better idea?”

“Yeah,” he starts. “No. Not really. But parallel universes? Dude, I’m the biggest Star Fighter fan on this or any other planet, but it’s a movie, you know? That shit’s all science fiction.”

“But what if it’s not? What if there are parallel universes where you’re you, only different. You know, maybe you’re a doctor or a gravedigger or a ninja. Maybe here, in this universe, your—your mom died when you were five”—I choke on the word “died”—“but in another world, she’s alive, helping you make sand castles on the beach.”

“Or maybe there’s another world where you bop in from an Infinity Collider and get eaten by carnivorous house-plants.”

“Don’t start.”

“I’m just saying it’s not all sand castles and ninjas.”

The turbines catch a new breeze and reverse their spin. “But all those other roads, those other choices you don’t make? They must get to live somewhere. I mean, maybe …” I stop because it’s too much to hope for and too stupid to say out loud.

“Maybe what?”

“Maybe there’s a universe where I don’t get this disease at all. Where none of this happens.” As soon as I say it, I think of Dulcie. Of Gonzo and Balder and this whole nutty trip, how I wouldn’t trade parts of it for anything.