Glamorama

MTV: "So how does it feel to be the It Boy of the moment?"

ME: "Fame has a price tag but reality's still a friend of mine."

MTV: "How do you think other people perceive you?"

ME: "I'm a bad boy. I'm a legend. But in reality everything's a big world party and there are no VIP rooms."

MTV (pause, confusion): "But aren't there three VIP rooms at your new club?"

ME: "Um... cut. Cut. Cut."

Everyone huddles together and I explain the game plan-that I want to discuss my personal relationships with Robert Downey, Jr., Jennifer Aniston, Matt Dillon, Madonna, Latouse LaTrek and Dodi Fayed-and people finally nod, satisfied. Life moves on with a few soft-lob inquiries and a chance to be fashionably rude, which I grab.

MTV: "How was it guest-starring on 'Beverly Hills 90210'?"

ME: "A classic cliche. Luke Perry looks like a little Nosferatu and Jason Priestley is a caterpillar."

MTV: "Do you see yourself as a symbol of a new generation in America?"

ME: "Well, I represent a pretty big pie-wedge of the new generation. I'm maybe a symbol." Pause. "An icon? No." Longer pause. "Not yet." Long pause. "Have I mentioned that I'm a Capricorn? Oh yeah, and I'm also for regaining the incentive to get this generation more involved in environmental issues."

MTV: "That's so cool."

ME: "No, you're so cool, dude."

MTV. "But what do you picture when you envision your generation?"

ME: "At its worst? Two hundred dead-ass kids dressed like extras from The Crow dancing to C+C Music Factory."

MTV: "And what do you think about this?"

ME (genuinely moved to be asked): "It stresses me out."

MTV: "But aren't the 1980s over? Don't you think opening a club like this is a throwback to an era most people want to forget? Don't kids want less opulence?"

ME: "Hey, this is a personal vision, man." Pause. "No matter how commercial it, y'know, feels. And"-finally realizing something-"I just want to give something back to the community." Pause. "I do it for the people." Pause. "Man."

MTV: "What are your thoughts on fashion?"

ME: "Fashion may be about insecurity but fashion is a good way to relieve tension."

MTV (pause): "Really?"

ME: "I'm completely absorbed by fashion. I seek it. I crave it. Seven days a week, twenty-eight hours a day. Did I mention that I'm a Capricorn? Oh, and yeah-being the best at only one thing is counterproductive."

MTV (long pause, mild confusion): "You and Chloe Byrnes have been together how long now?"

ME: "Time is meaningless when it comes down to Chloe. She defies time, man. I hope she has a long-term career as an actress-slash-model. She's gorgeous and, er, is my... best friend."

(Sounds of Details reporter laughing.)

Chapter Eight

MTV. "There have been rumors that-"

ME: "Hey, maintaining a relationship is one of the difficulties of my job, babe."

MTV: "Where did you meet?"

ME: "At a pre-Grammy dinner."

MTV. "What did you say when you met?"

ME: "I said `Hey pu**ycat' and then that I was-and still am-an aspiring male model of the year."

MTV (after longish pause): "I can tell that you were in a, um, reflective mood that evening."

ME: "Hey, success is loving yourself, and anyone who doesn't think so can f**k off."

MTV: "How old are you?"

ME: "Twentysomething."

MTV: "No, really. Exact."

ME: "Twen-ty-something."

MTV: "What really pisses Victor Ward off?"

ME: "The fact that David Byrne named his new album after a 'tea from Sri Lanka that's sold in Britain.' I swear to God I heard that somewhere and it drove me nuts."

MTV (after polite laughter): "No. What really makes you mad? What really gets you angry?"

ME (long pause, thinking): "Well, recently, missing DJs, badly behaved bartenders, certain gossipy male models, the media's treatment of celebs... um..."

MTV: "We were thinking more along the lines of the war in Bosnia or the AIDS epidemic or domestic terrorism. How about the current political situation?"

ME (long pause, tiny voice): "Sloppy Rollerbladers?... The words 'dot com'?..."

MTV (long pause): "Anything else?"

ME (realizing something, relieved): "A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido."