Forever Innocent

He would come after me, I knew, so I couldn’t go home, not right away. I’d find some place to wait out the night.

•*´`*•*´`*•

Jenny’s face was sympathetic when she opened her door close to noon. I had texted her hourly starting at nine, but apparently she’d been busy with Lumberjack and hadn’t checked.

She yanked me into a hug. “Corabelle, you look like death. Come in here.”

Color exploded throughout her tiny apartment, pink sofa, yellow chairs, big swaths of silk fabric hanging from the center of the ceiling like a circus tent. “Wow, Jenny.”

She whirled around the living room. “Like it? I never want to see anything dull.”

“You achieved that.” I realized I had not been in anyone’s apartment the whole year I had lived in San Diego, not until I walked into Gavin’s. When had I become a hermit? I sat down on the vivid sofa, pushing a sequin pillow aside.

She sank into one of the furry side chairs, plucking at the baby-chick fuzz. “So, you want to tell me what happened?”

I shook my head.

“Oookay. Well, let’s do girly things.” She popped out of her seat. “I’ll get the nail polish.”

I felt too exhausted for aiming colored lacquer at my nails, and when she disappeared, I dropped my head to the arm of the sofa. The images from Gavin’s phone wouldn’t leave me. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the glowing round boobs of Lolly, the sprawled body of Candy. No wonder Gavin could send me spiraling so fast. He’d been learning from the best.

I wanted a doctor. VD tests. An antiseptic. Definitely a scalding shower.

I could hear Jenny opening and closing drawers. The need for blackness overwhelmed me. I wanted comfort, an escape from my own head. I knew I shouldn’t do it, as Jenny could come back any minute, but still, I held my breath, relaxing into the cushions, exhaling slowly to avoid my lungs forcing me to breathe. If I did it right, I’d be out, then asleep, and life would be so much more manageable.

Even with my eyes closed, the colored spots danced in front of me. My chest fought with me for a moment, then I started to go, slipping into oblivion.

It seemed only minutes passed before sounds woke me up, but the Hello Kitty clock on the wall read five o’clock. Something clanged in the kitchen, followed by Jenny’s “Dang it!”

Sequins imprinted my face. I’d fallen onto a sparkly pillow. I rubbed my fingers along the indentations on my cheek. My hair stuck up every direction, tangled into a mat.

Jenny’s head poked around the wall that divided the room. “Sleepyhead! I’m trying to make food. Somewhat successfully.”

I stood up but my legs wobbled, so I sat back down again. We’d spent too much time on that rock last night, and done too many things. The back of my shoulder blades were chafed. Well, that was over.

Something inside me wanted to escape, a wail, like a ghost’s lament. I should talk to Gavin, get it all out. But I just couldn’t. Even if all that was past, I couldn’t made peace with it, not now at least. Maybe eventually. I tried placing the image of Gavin with those paid women next to the one of him in high school, so sweet and clean-cut. It wouldn’t go. I felt like I had been with his evil twin, or a black-sheep brother.

Jenny sat next to me. “You ready to talk about it yet?”

She seemed so much like a doll, what had Gavin called her? Rainbow Brite. Her hair was extra pink, like she’d just recolored it, falling into a perfect set of bangs across her brow and straight down to her shoulders. Her eyebrows were always an exclamation, thin and rounded, as though she was permanently surprised.

“I’ll take that as a no,” she said, since I hadn’t moved or spoken. “Come over here and eat something.” She took my arm and led me over to a tiny table with two chairs. “I made some eggs and toast.”

The surface was painted with bright flowers. I traced the outlines of roses and tulips. When my fingers came across a butterfly, the wail filled me again, but I kept it inside, closing off any way for it to escape.

Jenny set a lime-green plate in front of me, prettily arranged with fluffy eggs and two triangles of toast. She placed the fork in my hand, closing my fingers around the silver handle. “I will feed you if you don’t eat it yourself.”

I slid the tines into a puff of egg and lifted it to my mouth. I swallowed and my stomach rebelled, flooding me with nausea. Jenny still watched me, so I picked up the toast and bit off a corner. At last she seemed satisfied and sat across the table.

“So I’m guessing this has to do with muscle man. Let me guess. He’s sticking more than one blowhole.”

I almost choked on the bread.

Jenny hopped up and fetched the orange juice she’d forgotten on the counter. “Here, drink.” She handed me the cup. “Man-meat like your ex always have girls on the side.”

If she only knew. I wished I had a delete button for my memory so that I could erase those images. Candy. Lolly. Couldn’t they have something more original? Maybe those were Gavin’s nicknames.

My stomach heaved, and I knew if I swallowed one more bite, it would come right back up.

“Okay,” Jenny said. “I can see we’re at DEFCON Five. When I see that boy in class tomorrow, I’m going to kick his muscled ass. AFTER I’ve filled his motorcycle with Karo syrup.”

“Don’t,” I choked out. “Don’t talk to him.”

“She speaks.” Jenny leaned forward on the table. “She speaks only to defend the asshole who got her so upset in the first place.”