Forever Black

“They’re true, every last word,” he whispered as our lips met one last time before we headed off to bed.

The next morning Connor and I were drinking coffee in the room when a text message from Kyle came through.

“Elle, I heard you were in town, where are you staying? I need to see you; it’s important?” I sighed as I read it.

“Who’s it from?” Connor asked.

“Kyle says he needs to see me. He says it’s important, and he wants to know where we’re staying.”

“Tell him then, obviously he needs to see you about something.” Connor seemed calm about it, but I had a terrible feeling.

I texted Kyle back and told him which hotel I was at and wondering what the hell was he doing in Michigan? Connor and I got dressed and finished packing our things to head back to New York. Before long, there was a knock at the door. I walked over and opened it.

“Hi Kyle, come in,” I glared at him.

“Hey Elle” He walked in and froze when he saw Connor come from the bedroom. Kyle looked at me, “I didn’t know he was here with you.”

“Hey Kyle,” Connor waved to him.

Kyle gave a small hello and looked at me, “Ellery, I need to speak with you in private.”

“If you have something to say, you can say it in front of Connor.” Kyle looked sternly at me.

“I don’t think you’d want him to hear this.”

My stomach tied itself in knots, and I started to get extremely nervous.

“Kyle, what is it? Spit it out for f**ks sake; we are heading back to New York in a little while, and I don’t have time for games.”

He looked at Connor who started to walk towards the bedroom, “I’ll give you two some privacy.”

Kyle nodded and turned to look at me, “I made a terrible mistake Elle; I never should have left you.”

I gasped because that was totally unexpected. “It’s a little too late, you did what you did, and I moved on, and so did you.”

“No, that’s what I’m trying to tell you, I didn’t move on. Hell, I dated a few girls, but none of them are you; I love you baby. We had four f**king years together; you can’t just throw that away.”

Rage started to take over my body. How dare he tell me that I threw our relationship away when he is the one who packed up and left? My voice became uncontrollably loud.

“I - can’t throw that away? You’re the one who f**king walked out on me, leaving me alone because you needed space, and now you come here back to our hometown and expect me to take you back?” Connor heard me yelling and emerged from the bedroom.

“I was scared Elle. I ran because I was scared, but I now realize what a screw up I am and I want you. I want us back for as long as we can be.”

I pointed my finger at him, “Get the hell out of here Kyle.”

His eyes turned cold as he looked over at Connor, “Does he know Elle? Did you tell him?”

Connor walked over and looked at me, “Tell me what?”

I stared at Kyle with pleading eyes, “Kyle, please leave; please, for both our sake.”

His eyes grew wider, “You didn’t tell him?”

“Kyle, stop please,” I begged.

Connor turned to Kyle, “What hasn’t she told me?”

Tears filled my eyes as Kyle began to speak.

“I’m sorry Elle.”

He looked at Connor and proceeded to talk. “She has cancer, and she refuses to go and get treatments; she is just going to let herself die. That’s why I left because I couldn’t sit there and watch her die.”

The tears were flowing freely down my face as Connor looked at me with a horrified look on his face, “Ellery is that true?”

Kyle turned around, “I’m sorry Elle,” he said as he shook his head and walked out the door.

“Ellery is that true?” Connor screamed.

I flinched and nodded my head, “Yes it’s true.”

He clenched his fists and tightened his jaw. “You’ve known your cancer was back even before I met you and you hid it from me after everything we’ve been through? What kind of person are you?”

I’ve never seen or experienced such rage and anger in a person like the one standing in front of me. His eyes turned dark as he looked at me with shame and disgust.

“Please Connor let me explain.”

“Explain what? What’s to explain? Were you just going to tell me one day you were dying? And why the f**k aren’t you getting any treatment?”

“Please calm down,” I pleaded.

“Calm down? You expect me to be calm when I just found out that the woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with is dying? I don’t want to hear anything from you. You make me sick Ellery. I can’t do this; I can’t even look at you.” He turned towards the bedroom. I ran after him and grabbed his arm.

“Please Connor, don’t do this; let me explain.”

He jerked his arm away and I fell back onto the floor. He turned and looked at me, his voice now calm but pained, “Your dizzy spells, your tiredness, it’s all part of the cancer. You’re getting worse, and you knew it, but you still didn’t tell me. I bared my soul to you. I told you things nobody in this world knows. I shared myself with you. How could you do that to me Ellery?” His eyes filled with tears as he turned to the bedroom and slammed the door.

My heart shattered, and I started to shake. I sat on the ground in shock at how quickly my life had just changed. An hour later he threw open the door and came out with his suitcase walking past me.

“Connor wait; please,” I said as I jumped up.

He turned around and pointed at me, “Stay away from me. I booked a flight for you back to New York; it leaves in 2 hours, so compose yourself and be ready. I’m driving back by myself. I can’t stand to look at you right now, let alone ride in a car with you for 10 hours.”

I covered my mouth with my hand as he opened the door and stormed out. I fell to my knees. It felt like the wind had just been knocked out of me. I couldn’t breathe, and I begged God to take me right then and there. He was gone. He left me just like everyone else in my life.

I got up from the floor and somehow managed to call the desk, telling them I needed a car to take me to the airport. I stumbled to the bathroom and looked in the mirror at the black streaks of mascara that stained my face. I took a washcloth and wiped them away. I didn’t need water; my tears were enough to soak the washcloth. I put on my sunglasses to hide my red swollen eyes and headed to the lobby with my suitcase. I was unsteady and still shaking.

The car was waiting for me as the driver took my suitcase and opened the door. All I kept thinking was had I told him the truth from the start, maybe things would have been different. I was to blame for his pain, and I hated myself for that. He didn’t deserve this. I knew he could forgive me, if he would let me explain why I didn’t tell him.

As I sat in the airport, I dialed his number. It went straight to voice mail. My flight was called, and I boarded the plane. I couldn’t think about anything but Connor and how I felt like I had just killed him. Who am I? I searched deep in my soul for that answer. The only thing that came to mind was a cold-hearted bitch that was selfish and only thought of her.

I never should have let the relationship with Connor get that far. I knew it was wrong, but he made me feel things I never felt before, and he loved me. I never felt love from anyone in my life, not my dad and certainly not Kyle. Our relationship was out of convenience. There were times I knew Kyle cheated on me, but I chose not to say anything because I was afraid to be alone. I spent my whole life alone. Don’t get me wrong, I did love Kyle, but I was never in love with him.

I arrived back in New York and was walking out of the airport when I saw Denny standing next to the Limo. I stopped as he walked over to me, hugged me and then took my suitcase. I tried so hard not to cry, but my eyes didn’t listen. I sobbed and sobbed in the back of the Limo while Denny drove me home.

“I’m so sorry Miss Lane.”

“What did he tell you?” I sniffed.

“He told me that he won’t be seeing you anymore and that I needed to pick you up from the airport and drive you home.”

“He didn’t tell you why?”

No Miss Lane, he didn’t.”

I guess I was going to be the one to tell him. He deserved to know the truth.

“I’m sick Denny. I have cancer. Connor left me because I didn’t tell him,” I started sobbing again.

He pulled up to my apartment and followed me inside with my suitcase. I turned to him as he hugged me.

“Miss Lane, he’ll come around.”

I shook my head, “Not this time Denny, it’s too late.”

He took my hand and handed me a piece of paper. “This is my phone number. I want you to call me if you need anything and don’t worry I won’t tell Mr. Black.”

I looked at the paper and hugged him as we said goodbye. I shut the door behind him and looked around my apartment; it was a representation of how I felt, dark, lonely and small.

Chapter 23

I walked to the bedroom and fell on my bed. The rage was growing inside me as I gripped my comforter with both hands and screamed. I sat up and looked around my small bedroom. The pain inside me was far worse than I ever imagined it could be. My chest felt heavy, and my shattered heart pierced me from within. I clenched my jaw as my hands gripped the bed. I tore my comforter off my and threw it across the room. I ripped off my sheets and balled them up, so they masked the sounds of my screams. I walked to the kitchen for a glass of water to try to calm down, but threw the glass at the wall and watched as it shattered into tiny pieces like my heart. I looked around. I took my desk and tipped it over as the drawer fell out, and my list was lying on the floor. I picked it up and looked at it. I held in my hand my bucket list. A list of all the things I needed and wanted to do before I died. I crumbled the paper and threw it on the ground.

I went into the bathroom. I was so angry for my life and for what I did to Connor I couldn’t see straight. I reached in the bathtub and grabbed my razor that was sitting on the edge. I took the blade out and held it to my wrist; I was going to end this pain now. I looked at the blade that perfectly matched up with my scar as the memories of that night came flooding back in my mind. I threw the blade down. What the hell was I doing? I fell to ground sobbing as I felt someone’s arms wrap around me.

“It’s ok sweetie; I’m here,” Peyton whispered. She looked down and picked up the blade and then she looked at my wrists, “Jesus Elle.”

We sat on the bathroom floor for what seemed like an eternity. She helped me up and walked me to the bedroom.

“I see you went on a destruction spree.”

I sat on the floor with my knees to my chest as she remade my bed. I felt like I had just had a nervous breakdown; like everything that happened in my life just hit me. Peyton took me by the shoulders and helped me up. She went to my drawer and pulled a night-shirt out and helped me into it. I felt like a rag doll as my arms and legs felt limp. I climbed into my bed as Peyton covered me with the blankets. She scooted next to me and put her arms around me.