Forbidden Love

“She’s gonna need someone when I’m gone and she’s too stubborn to admit that. I’m telling you, I want it to be you. I need it to be you…she needs it to be you. Please, take care of our girl.

“Haven still loves you, Jude. Be the man she needs you to be. Take care of her.”

I buried my face in my hands and closed my eyes, remembering that dying wish he made. Remembering him asking me to promise…

“Play it again, please,” I asked Jude from behind my hands. He did as I asked and Dylan’s sweet voice played out again. I could hear the moments where he was struggling for breath, but all of that was obscured by just hearing him again.

Even in death, Dylan made sure I was cared for. He chose the one person I refused to let in and forced me to accept his one last wish.

I felt my face flush with a brief flash of anger and hurt. He broke a promise to me, one that he swore he’d never break. He kept a secret, a secret that put Jude back in my life when I deserved nothing but the opposite. I had been so cruel to him, breaking his heart as he did mine.

But I couldn’t erase the past; the black marring would forever be a part of me. But Dylan loved all of me; he put my aching, broken heart back together with tenderness and love. He also taught me a valuable lesson about forgiveness. I needed to forgive Jude.

I needed to forgive myself.

After all, if it weren’t for him, I would have never have met Dylan. Jude saved my life so that I may be in Dylan’s. And despite losing him, I was deeply loved by him. I was finally able to accept that I was deserving of love. Dylan’s love. Jude’s love. And my own love.

The recording stopped and I looked up at Jude who was sitting there in front of me, never having left my side. He looked so worried; I realized something I’d not seen in the last few months. Jude had worn himself out worrying about me. His hair was a mess; he had dark circles under his eyes, and it was evident he’d lost weight. All for me. Jude sacrificed himself the only way he knew how, just to make sure I was okay.

“I’m not putting the moves on you. Just in case you thought I was trying to…I don’t know, worm my way in.” He put his phone down on the table beside him and rested his elbows on his knees. “I do love you, Haven. Fiercely. But I also know you need time. Shit, you may not want me at all, and that’s up to you. I won’t force myself on you. But all that time ago, when you told me you didn’t love me anymore, I think you lied.” Jude stood and started pacing. “I think you can love two people at once. I think you still loved me then.” He stopped and looked at me, his hands splayed open at his sides. “You might even love me now.”

He slid back onto the table in front of me, his large warm hand encasing my smaller one. “Ma said something to me that made no sense until now.” He looked down, gathered his thoughts and met my doe-eyed stare. “Haven, she said that old love can be made new again under extenuating circumstances.” I gasped as I absorbed the words he was sharing. “These, babe, are definitely extenuating. But know that my feelings have never, and I mean never changed toward you.”

It occurred to me right then, at that moment, he was right. And so had Dylan been. I did still loved Jude. I hadn’t ever stopped. I had loved two men at once and probably always would. I was speechless, and Jude took it as rejection. I could see the look of hope drain from his features and slowly be replaced by defeat. “I loved you since we were kids, Haven. When I found you in that crack house, nursed you back to health, I took advantage your vulnerability, and could never find the right time to share with everyone just how much I loved, still love you.” His eyes pleaded with mine, imploring me to understand.

I touched his cheek with my free hand and stood up. I adjusted my shirt that had ridden up slightly before walking over to where Jude had just been wearing holes in my carpet. It was my turn to pace. My hands rested on my hips, my head bowed as I struggled to grasp all the words I had waited forever to hear from Jude’s lips.

“Haven.” He came to stand next to me, not touching but close enough that he could if he reached out. “Please, say something.”

His heart was on the line, just like the last time we stood in this position. I cleared my throat and gave him the most honest answer I could muster. “Jude, thank you for telling me all of this. For sharing Dylan’s wishes, his voice…” I choked back a sob, “I needed to hear that. His words, his request, it’s the same thing he told me before he…he died.” I was crying now.

Jude reached for me, but I pulled back; I needed to say my piece. He dropped his arms once again and waited.

“I will always love Dylan. But you’re right. I’ve never stopped loving you. I never will.” His shocked expression wasn’t what I was expecting. Somehow I’d told myself that Jude and I were in a good place and both knew where we stood. Apparently, my assumptions had been off the mark.

In an instant, he couldn’t keep away from me if he tried. And I didn’t want him to. He reached forward and wrapped his hands around my waist. He lifted me up and spun me in a half circle before placing his lips on mine. “That is probably the best thing I’ve ever heard, Haven.” He kissed me again, this time a little softer. “Thank you. I promise you won’t regret giving me a second chance.” His forehead rested against mine. “I’m never going lose you again, Haven Torres. I’ll fight Satan himself to prove to you just how much you mean to me,” he claimed with fierce conviction. “I love you beyond all time and space, Haven.”