Flutter

“I know you’re upset, but you’re making too much of this.” Peter sounded almost weary.

He walked into Jack’s room, moving much closer to me than I would’ve liked. He barely looked at me, but I stared down at the ground. Supposedly, Peter was trying to comfort Jack, and that made me uncomfortable. Being around Peter and Jack together made me feel guilty.

If I had been able to think clearly or actually speak, I would’ve been wondering when Peter started caring about Jack’s well-being. I know that they had once been very close, but I had never seen Peter ever say anything encouraging to Jack. Today, at this moment, Peter suddenly decided to repair their relationship.

“Peter, I really don’t need your shit right now,” Jack said. “You’re no better than anybody else.”

“Really? Because it was my decision to save your life.” Peter looked at him, and Jack lowered his eyes to the floor. “But that’s not the point. Mae was a wreck about what happened to you, and we did everything in our power to save you and take care of you. So don’t act like we don’t care.”

“Out of guilt!” Jack shook his head. “And it doesn’t matter! I just can’t believe that you’d all lie to me all this time!” He sighed. “But I guess I shouldn’t have expected much different from you. You’re the most self-serving person I’ve ever met.”

“What does that mean?” Peter narrowed his eyes at him.

“You are so selfish! You never think about anybody else!” Jack shouted at him. “You guys didn’t want to tell me because you thought I’d be upset!”

“You sure proved us wrong,” Peter replied dryly and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I never lie to you guys! Not ever! And I can’t believe that you would all conspire to lie to me about something so big!” Jack yelled, and the knot in the pit of my stomach only tightened. “It’s so weak, and even though you’re a massive dick, I never thought you were a coward.”

“I saved your life! And I have sacrificed so much of my own happiness for you!” Peter growled at him. “And that makes me a dick and a coward?”

“If you had to lie to do it, then yeah, it does!” Jack stared directly at Peter, and something flashed in Peter’s eyes.

“Hey, you know what? I think that, um, we should just take a breather,” I stammered.

“So you don’t want me to ever lie to you? About anything?” Peter had a bitter smile on his lips, and it confused Jack. “That’s the only way that I can overcome being this selfish asshole who has stupidly put your wants in front of my own for the past sixteen years?”

“I hardly think you’ve done that, but yeah.” Jack didn’t know what he was getting at, but it made him nervous.

“Peter, I think that Jack doesn’t know what he’s saying,” I interjected breathlessly. Jack’s eyes flitted over to me for just a second, but by then, it was too late. As soon as I said Peter’s name, Jack realized something was up.

“I know exactly what I’m saying,” Jack glared at Peter.

“Yeah? Well, then, just so I can absolve myself from all the sins I’ve done against you, like saving your life and running away to Finland so you could live in peace, I’m gonna tell you the truth.” Peter leaned in a little bit closer to Jack and lowered his voice. “I kissed Alice. Three days ago.”

“Peter!” I shouted because that was the only defense I had.

We both suspected some kind of reaction out of Jack, but for a minute, there was nothing. A weird buzzing feeling engulfed his emotions, and I couldn’t get a read on any of them. His face was blank, and then finally, he turned to me. That’s when I felt how much it hurt him, and it was like being punched in the gut.

“Jack,” I said lamely.

“Fuck you all,” Jack looked at Peter, then back at me. “Seriously. Fuck you all.” Then he looked away from us and walked out of his bedroom.

- 24 -

Going after Jack would not be an option. When he left, I felt how badly I disgusted and hurt him, and he didn’t want anything to do with me. He might never want anything to do with me again, but I had to give him time. So I stood in his room, reminding myself to breathe.

“Alice, I’m so sorry,” Peter said genuinely. “I didn’t mean to say that. I never meant to tell him anything, but he-”

“Shut up!” I snapped. “Just shut up!”

Peter left me alone, and I sat on the bed. I trembled horribly, but I managed to keep from crying or vomiting, so it was almost a win. Over and over again, I just kept telling myself that he wouldn’t leave me forever. Not over this.

I had kissed Peter before, and he had gotten over it. Admittedly, I hadn’t really been dating Jack at the time, and he had still been hurt by it. But he only hurt because he loved me, and it had just been one stupid kiss.

I tried to think of how I would explain this all to Jack. When he came back, he’d want to know why, and I had better have a good excuse. Unfortunately, I didn’t have one. There was no good reason for what I did with Peter. I couldn’t even explain it myself, and I had been trying for days. What I felt for Peter was nothing like what I felt for Jack… but I couldn’t deny that I did feel something for Peter.

As much as I had been minimizing it, there was still this connection and pull I had towards him. Maybe I would have it forever, but I only acted on it because of weak impulse control.