Finding You

I sat in the waiting room and tried to calm my nerves down. My stomach felt as if I’d eaten something that was not agreeing with me. The moment the door opened from the back and a nurse called for me, I jumped up and quickly followed her.

“Your wife is in here. Dr. Johnson will be joining y’all in just a few minutes.”

Smiling, I nodded and said, “Thank you so much.”

Grace was sitting on the table biting on her thumbnail. Walking up to her, I pulled her thumb out of her mouth and brushed my lips across hers. “Stop that. Why are you nervous?”

Exhaling a deep breath, Grace closed her eyes and said, “We’re going to see our baby for the first time, Noah. I’m so scared. What if I’m not a good mom? What if they were wrong about the Fragile X testing?”

Standing in front of Grace, I pulled her into my arms and kissed the top of her head. “Baby, settle down. Take a deep breath and blow it out. First off, you’re going to be an amazing mother. They didn’t mess up on the testing so stop worrying.”

Placing my finger on her chin, I gave her a wink. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

Grace smiled and dropped her head against my chest. “Okay. You’re right. Deep breaths.”

There was a light knock on the door before it opened and a doctor I was guessing was Dr. Johnson came walking in with a smile on his face. Holding my hand out, I said, “Good morning, I’m Grace’s husband, Noah Bennet.”

Dr. Johnson smiled and said, “Pleasure to meet you.” Turning to Grace, the doctor smiled bigger. “Grace, it’s hard to believe you’re sitting in my office. Feels like just yesterday you were born.”

Blushing, Grace peeked over to me and smiled.

Dr. Johnson opened up Grace’s file and read over it quickly. “Okay. Well it looks like your tests have all come back positive. Let’s take a look at our little peanut shall we?”

My heart felt as if it dropped to the floor as Grace reached out for my hand.

“Move on back and lay down, Grace. We’re going to do a vaginal sonogram since the baby will be smaller. By the date of your last period, I’d be willing to guess you’re about nine weeks or so along.”

“O-okay,” Grace whispered as she did as Doctor Johnson asked.

A few seconds later and we were looking at something on the monitor. Dr. Johnson said, “There he or she is.”

Looking at Grace, I saw the tears in her eyes. Wiping my eyes quickly, I looked back at the monitor. Dr. Johnson tilted his head as he moved the wand around. Leaning forward I looked for some sign of something from our child. I figured I’d be seeing a little heart beating quickly. All I saw was a black spot. Then again, I wasn’t really sure what I was supposed to be seeing.

“Where is the baby?” Grace asked.

Dr. Johnson clicked a few times on the screen, like he was taking measurements.

Pointing, Dr. Johnson said, “The baby is right here.”

Looking closely all I could see was a peanut looking thing. My gut told me something was wrong.

After taking a few more measurements, Dr. Johnson did a few other things before he turned back to, Grace. I didn’t even need to hear what he was going to say. Somehow I already knew by looking into his eyes. Clearing his throat, Dr. Johnson started to talk as he looked at Grace and then me.

“Grace, I’m not picking up a heartbeat.”

Grace’s smile vanished as she shook her head and whispered, “What?”

Squeezing her hand, I sat next to the bed and stared at our child.

“It appears the baby passed away maybe a few days ago, possibly even a week ago.”

A sob escaped Grace’s mouth as she slammed her hand over her mouth. “How . . . um . . . how do you know that, Dr. Johnson.”

“The measurements of the baby show he was about seven to eight weeks.”

Grace closed her eyes and shook her head. “What if you’re wrong? What if there is a heartbeat and you just can’t see it?”

Dr. Johnson looked lovingly at Grace as he swallowed hard. This had to be hard on him as well. “Grace, I’m so sorry, but it’s very evident that you’ve suffered a miscarriage.”

Looking away, I fought to hold down my breakfast. Closing my eyes, I counted to ten before turning back and focusing on Grace.

Tears poured down Grace’s face. “No. Dr. Johnson. Please tell me you’re wrong. Please.”

“Oh Grace, I’d give anything not to tell a parent this type of thing. Grace, I’m so very sorry, but the baby is gone.”