Finding Us

Marie spits her orange juice out and starts coughing like crazy. I knock my chair over and pat on her back. “Marie! Are you ok?”

She coughs a few more times before picking up her napkin and wiping her face. She clears her throat, “I’m sorry, must have gone down the wrong pipe.” After I know she’s ok I sit back down. “So tell me about Knox.”

I instantly tear up and look down at my hands resting in my lap. “I love him Marie.” I sniff, “He just walked into my life and swept me off my feet. I fought him for the longest time until I just couldn’t anymore. Things were great until about a month ago.” I take a shuttering breath. “We slept together for the first time and then when I woke up in the middle of the night he was gone and I haven’t heard from him since.”

Marie comes over and wraps her arms around me. She kisses the top of my head. “Let’s go talk in the living room, sweetie.”

I follow Marie out into the living room and get comfy on the couch. I can feel it; I’m about to head into something I’m not sure I want to know about. Marie never wanted to talk; she would always listen but never really ever talked to me about much of anything.

She sits on the other end of the couch and crosses her legs. Marie is so pretty, chocolate hair, the same color as mine; her eyes are green, just like mine but darker. She’s short with little curves, probably barely five feet tall but she’s got a darker Italian complexion. Her husband died a long time ago and she never remarried after that, hell I don’t think I’ve ever seen her go out on dates either for that matter.

“I’ve missed this place, well not really, but I’ve missed you being here.” Marie says as she looks around the living room. There is a family portrait hanging over the fire place from when I was about ten or so. Those were the easy days. “I’m not really working for your father anymore. I’m only here twice a week and work all the holidays since there isn’t much for me to do here. I got myself a little place not too far away.”

It’s about time Marie started living her life.

“So where is this new place of yours? Maybe I could actually come visit you since you aren’t living here anymore.”

Marie nods, “You remember those cute little apartments near the high school?”

“The brick building that is shaped like a U with the pretty flowers in the middle of the court yard?” I always remembered the little old lady that was out there every day in the garden.

“Those are the ones.”

Marie is quiet for a few minutes, just staring out the window. The longer she’s quiet the more my anxiety grows. I know something is coming. My teeth start to chatter. Marie looks over at me with sad eyes.

“Sweetie, I need to tell you some things but I need you to listen to everything I tell you first. This isn’t easy,” Marie wipes away a tear. “But it’s about time you know.”

My stomach rolls and I want to scream that I don’t want to know. I like the way my life is but I want Knox back. I have questions I want to ask my dad and then I want to leave and go home. Go back to the bubble that I’ve created.

I don’t respond to Marie so she takes that as her answer and just starts to tell me the story that will probably change my life in some way.

“You know that I lost my husband years ago, shortly after I started working here. Well one night your father found me drinking a bottle of wine alone in the kitchen. I was crying because I missed my one true love and the only way I was actually getting by at night was to have a glass or two of wine to help me relax. Well that night I finished off the whole bottle myself while Michael listened to me go on and on about my husband.” Marie takes a deep breath and continues. I just sit back and listen, imagining that I’m reading one of my books back home curled up in bed.

“Michael and I made a huge mistake that night and it should have never happened. I was vulnerable and one thing led to another and Michael and I had sex.” My sharp intake of my breath has Marie snapping her head in my direction. My nanny and father slept together? He cheated on my mother? How could he do that?

Marie wipes another tear from her eye, “I’m so sorry sweetie.” She cries.

Is Marie the reason my mother drinks so much? Does she know what happened?

“It was only that one time.”

I flinch. I don’t want to hear anything else about it.

“When two months had passed and I still didn’t get my period I knew our lapse in judgment would forever change my life. I went to the store and purchased a pregnancy test even though I already knew what the answer would be. I guess I just needed to see it for myself. When it came back positive I knew I had to quit. Michael could never find out that I was pregnant; my only problem was I had nowhere to go. My parents both passed away early on in life leaving me and my sister to fend for ourselves. My sister had a one year old daughter and a new marriage. I couldn’t put this on her.” Marie huffs, “Michael found the test in the trash before I could quit. He knew our one night just destroyed his family but he demanded a test to see if the baby was really his. Seven months later I gave birth to the most precious little girl.” Marie smiles lovingly at me with tears flowing down her cheeks. “The paternity test came back positive as I knew it would since I was only with one other man in my entire life aside from my husband.”

“I have a sister?” I whisper.

Marie shakes her head and looks down at her hands. “No sweetie, you are that little girl.”

The blood swooshes in my ears and my vision blurs. The room spins so fast I can’t see straight. My mother is Marie? How is this possible? It isn’t. It can’t be. I need to get the hell out of here.

I attempt to stand but my body doesn’t seem to want to move. Marie lays a hand on my arm and I flinch away.

“Jasmine, just listen to me, listen to the whole story. I will answer all your questions when I’m finished, I promise.” Marie begs. “A switch went off in Michael the day you were born. He demanded that I sign over my rights to him. He convinced me that I wouldn’t be able to give you the life you deserved. The only reason I agreed to do it is because Michael promised that I could keep my job and also be a nanny to you. I was left with no choice, I didn’t have any money to fight him in court and I didn’t have a place to live. I was desperate and took whatever I could get to stay in your life.”

I covered my ears, not wanting to hear anymore. I needed her to stop, I couldn’t take anymore. My whole life has been nothing but a lie. I got up from the couch and stumbled into the kitchen. I needed a drink and I need something strong. I fumbled around until I found where the alcohol had been moved to. I pulled out the vodka and took a few long pulls. I sat down at the table and let the numbness take over. A few minutes later Marie came in and pulled two shot glasses out of the cabinet and set them in front of me.