Finding Faith

Still I had no idea what she was talking about. Her entire body was shaking and her breath was beginning to hiccup.

“For what, Mom? You didn’t do anything.”

She slowed her crying and looked up at me. She looked older with tears on her cheeks and red eyes. Her hair was coming out of its bun and stuck out in random places. She’d been awakened from her sleep too.

“There’s been an accident—a bad one. They’re gone. Reynolds and Kevin, they didn’t make it.”

Her words swam around me. I was still half asleep and confused, but finally they made it to my brain and I realized what she was saying. She had practically adopted Reynolds and Kevin as her own since they were always at my house. She was freaking out and I could feel myself starting to freak out, too.

My head spun and I felt like I was going to be sick. My boys—more like my brothers, the only brothers I’d ever had—they were dead. Gone—never coming back again.

I gripped the edge of my dresser to hold myself up, but then I began to dig my fingers into the wood as anger set in. I wanted to pick the dresser up and put it through the wall. My breath was coming too fast and hard as I began to hyperventilate, yet I couldn’t breathe. I needed to breathe.

Mom wrapped her arms around me and I felt like I was suffocated even more. I moved away from her and pressed my head against the wall. The place where Reynolds had punched me earlier that night started to throb when I ran my fingers through my hair, reminding me of our last moments together.

I couldn’t help it from then on out—I cried. It was hard and loud as I pressed myself up against the wall as if I could go through it and disappear. This wasn’t happening. No way was this really happening.

So many people had walked away from me all my life, and Kevin and Reynolds had been two out of the few that stuck with me no matter what. Yeah, Reynolds had a drug problem, and yeah, Kevin knew exactly what to say to piss me off, but they were like my family. Other than my mom, they were the only real family I’d ever had.

I reared back and put my fist through the wall. Pieces of paneling splintered into the air around me. My hand throbbed with my heartbeat and it hurt. I needed something to hurt—anything but my heart, which ached so badly I thought it would stop completely. I collapsed on my bedroom floor and I felt my mom holding me and wiping the tears from my cheeks.

Once the sun came up, all the details started to come out. Kevin had been intoxicated and Reynolds took over the wheel. Why hadn’t I seen how drunk Kevin was? I was so caught up with Reynolds and his bullshit, so caught up in my new way of life, that I hadn’t paid enough attention to him.

I’d already been at the hospital with Tiny for an hour before he woke up. He’d survived, but barely. Both his legs were broken and a large piece of metal had gone so far into his side that the doctors were saying it was a miracle he was alive. He looked like shit—barely recognizable—and I couldn’t help but feel like it was my fault.

I found out soon after that Amanda, Faith’s friend, also died in the crash. My heart broke for Faith and all I wanted to do was go to her and make sure she was okay. She didn’t have a lot of friends in her life and she’d known Amanda since they were little girls. She wasn’t going to take it well.

I gripped my steering wheel hard as I drove to the church. It was Sunday and I knew that’s where Faith would be. Fuck the rules her dad had laid down. If she already knew about Amanda, then she would need me, and if she didn’t already know, I wanted to be there for her when she found out. Plus, I needed her. I needed her so bad. I felt like everything was falling away from me and I wanted to see her face—know she was okay and still breathing.

I didn’t bother going in the front door of the church. Instead, I went into the side door that went straight to the kids’ room. If she wasn’t in there, she would be at some point. I looked like shit and I didn’t want the church people looking down on me. Not then—not when I was breaking apart piece by piece.

I heard her soft crying from around the corner. Once I made it into the room, I found Faith sitting at a table with her head down. Her dark hair spilled over her arms and shined in the sunlight coming through the closest window.

I wasted no time going to her. I sat in the chair next to her and picked her up from her seat, placing her in my lap. She collapsed against me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I held her close as she wet my shoulder with her tears. Rubbing her back, I tried my best to console her.

She leaned back and swiped at her red face with the back of her sleeve. “I’m so sorry about Reynolds and Kevin. I can’t believe they’re gone, Finn.” Again, she started to cry. I felt a tear of my own roll off my chin.