Filthy Beautiful Forever (Filthy Beautiful Lies 4)

“I...” I search for words, anything that isn’t the real reason I came. “I lost my job.” I feel myself sinking down in my chair, unable to believe I'm about to admit to Collins and his girlfriend that I am a failed accountant. “I was fired actually.” Someone please shut me up.

Collins hands me a new drink, and I take several fortifying sips.

“What did you do?” he asks. He looks genuinely perplexed as he takes the seat across from me. I’m sure the girl he remembers never would have been careless enough to get fired from a job. I guess things change.

“I was an accountant.” I look down at my drink, stirring it with the straw. “My boss framed me for embezzling funds. And I had no way to prove it.”

Collins holds his hand up as if to stop me. “There’s always a way. I know several excellent forensic accountants. I could help connect you with one.” He leans forward in his chair.

The concern in his eyes tells me he’ll help me if I want. He’d always been protective of me, and I love seeing that side of him again. I chew the inside of my lip, considering it briefly, but I’m too humiliated by the whole thing, besides, it isn’t worth the trouble. It was a small enough amount that they didn’t press charges. I wave him off. “It’s not worth it. He only managed to get a couple thousand before he...or, rather ‘I’ was caught.”

Tatianna laughs. “The guy must suck at embezzling if he only managed a few thousand.”

I force a smile, but a few thousand seems like a lot to me. They kept my last paycheck to make up for the loss. It would have been enough for me to at least pay rent for a few more months.

“Anyway, I’m here because I needed a place to get a fresh start.” I stir my drink as I try to think of any topic of conversation other than my failed accounting career.

Tatianna yawns and stretches in a way that looks more practiced than real. She’s definitely not an actress.

I take it as a not so subtle suggestion that it’s time for me to leave. Humiliated, I stand up, “I should get going,” I say, downing the last of my drink, and placing it on the nearest table. I head out to the hall and the direction I hope will lead to my bag and the exit. I may not have enough money for more than one night in a hotel, but I can’t stay here.

“Wait, Gremli...Mia. Hang on, where are you going?” Collins follows me out into the hallway, and catches my arm, forcing me to stop. The contact of his large hand closing around my upper arm sends chills zipping down my body. It's been a long time since he touched me so intimately, yet my body recalls that night with perfectly clarity.

“I shouldn’t have come. You’ve got...” I wave my hand around vaguely, not sure what I’m referring to exactly. It could be the amazing house, beautiful girlfriend, or perfect life. Any one of these makes me feel small, but the combination makes me feel as if I could cry. I swallow against the hard lump in my throat and force myself to look up at him.

He smiles, making me smile.

“Nonsense. You came all this way. I want you to stay. At least a few days. We have fifteen years to catch up on.” His eyes latch onto mine, kind yet insistent. It makes me warm. He still has the look that makes me feel like I’m the only one who matters. How does he manage to do that, even while dating the drop-dead gorgeous woman in the next room? I don’t know, but I can’t say no to him. Not when he looks at me this way. Besides, the house is so big he must have ten extra bedrooms, it’s not like I’m putting him out or anything.

I sigh. “Okay.” Just thinking about a bed makes me tired. It was a long day and a long flight. A yawn escapes.

He leans back into the library doorway. “I’m gonna give Gremlin here the purple bedroom.”

“Who? ...Whatever,” Tatianna answers in a dull tone.

He slides his hand around mine, as if we’re still little kids, only now his hand is much larger, and my fingers and palm are swallowed by his firm grip. It feels completely natural, him taking my hand, and I follow him to the front hall where he effortlessly lifts my suitcase and pulls it up the steps. We venture down a long hallway until he finally stops in front of a door, opens it, and puts my suitcase down just inside.

“Grem...Mia, I’m glad you’re here.” His mouth hooks up in a playful smirk as if he thinks it’s funny that he can’t seem to call me by my real name. The first time we met, I was wearing a Gremlins T-shirt. The outdated, thrift store tee was the reason he’d had to save me that first day in kindergarten. Some of the other kids were teasing me about my second-hand clothing, and he came to my rescue. After he told the other kids off, he managed to turn the whole thing into a joke by saying gremlins were cool, then calling me gremlin. Not in a mean way, but as friendly jab. I was so thankful for the rescue that he could have called me almost anything that day, and I would have laughed for him. The nickname unfortunately stuck.

I smile. It is kind of funny. But I also blush because we’re alone again. Just the two of us, and he’s looking at me in that way, again. The way he did when he first realized who I was at the front door. I had no way to be sure, but his eyes smoldered as if he was remembering our first and only time together, fifteen years ago on the boat.

I remembered that night as if it happened yesterday. I’d been so nervous, but so sure it was the right thing, and the only way to really say goodbye to him. It was a way for me to give him a part of me that he would have forever. He tried to talk me out of it, even though I could tell by the way his eyes surveyed my body that he wanted to devour me. I was so relieved when he finally agreed, and also admitted that it was his first time too. Because it meant he also wanted me to have a part of him. A part I’ve held dear all these years.

He’d been so gentle, and so careful with me. I can’t say he was perfectly smooth, but neither was I. Still, his kisses were warm, and his arms held me close as we struggled to figure out the best way to do what neither of us really knew how to do. But then he'd taken control, laying me down and moving over me. He had been so tender and so attentive; easing in slowly and making sure he didn’t hurt me. Making sure I was okay. And it did hurt, but only a pinch and only for a moment. And then it was amazing. The feeling of having him inside me, filling me. The memory still makes me blush. And yet afterwards he was so worried he’d hurt me. I felt whole, so completely cared for.

But now, I’m thirty. And single. And jobless. And perhaps I’m crazy, but I want to recapture a bit of my youth – and the best part of it was him. Even though I pushed it out of my head for many years, as I grew older, I longed to share my life with someone. Not just someone. Him. Collins. My first love. My first everything. Deep down, my heart knew what my body felt all those years ago – we were destined to be together. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew he'd eventually come back into my life when the time was right. I couldn't help but wonder if I purposefully avoided serious relationships all these years, avoiding commitment in order to fulfill our promise to each other. Every man I dated over the past decade was compared to him, and not a single one measured up. As embarrassed as I was to just show up on his doorstep unannounced, the boy I longed for all these years is now a man. And my body takes notice, my heart pumping hard as he watches me.