Fighting to Be Free

Ellie kicked me in the foot and I jerked out of my worry again, to look up at her. She was sitting across the table, looking at me concerned. I looked around and smiled apologetically at Stacey and Paul who were also both looking at me, waiting for something. Crap, had they been talking to me and I was off daydreaming about my mom?

“Sorry,” I muttered sheepishly.

Ellie’s hand stretched across the table and took mine, squeezing lightly to get my attention. “Is everything ok? You’ve been distant all morning. What’s up?” she asked, her grey eyes boring into me, as if she was trying to pull the answers from my eyes.

I smiled and shook my head to clear it. “Yeah, I just…..” I trailed off, not really wanting to elaborate too much, especially not in front of her friends. It was then that I realised that I wasn’t going to be able to get this out of my mind until I saw for myself what was going on with my mom.

“Actually, I have a couple of things I need to sort out. I don’t think I’m going to be able to make the movie.” I winced, waiting for her reaction to me just cancelling our plans without so much as a proper explanation. Ellie would probably be pissed with me about this, and so she should, this wasn’t the type of thing that good boyfriends did.

She nodded, looking at me concerned. “Ok. Want me to help you with whatever it is?” she asked.

Again, I was struck by another wave of love for her. She really was the most incredible thing that I had in my life. Just the way that she looked at me made me feel different, I loved the Jamie Cole that she saw when she looked at me. I wanted to be the guy that she thought I was, that one that she saw in me.

I smiled at her gratefully, “No thanks, little girl. Sorry I have to skip out of the movie,” I said, looking at them all apologetically.

Ellie waved her hand dismissively. “No worries, I’ll let you make it up to me another time.” She smirked at me and I couldn’t help but laugh at the suggestion on her face. I knew exactly how I’d be making it up to her, and I would imagine it involved me and her……. watching The Notebook, again.

I got up out of the booth and pushed my fries in Paul’s direction motioning for him to finish off my untouched McDonalds. I stepped to Ellie’s side and bent down kissing her fiercely, showing her how grateful I was that she was such an amazing girlfriend. I pulled away after a few more seconds and kissed her forehead lightly, letting my lips linger on her skin, hoping that her taste and her smell would overpower the bitterness that I would feel from the visit to my mother.

“I’ll call you,” I promised. I kissed her lightly again and she gripped my shirt, pulling me closer to her, biting on my bottom lip lightly. I moaned and pulled away from her before I wouldn’t be able to. I was desperately in love with the girl’s personality, her kindness and thoughtfulness…….. but that didn’t mean I didn’t want her body like a fat kid wanted chocolate cake. She literally drove me wild, I was still a guy after all and Ellie was one serious little hottie cheerleader.

“See ya,” she whispered, smiling her beautiful smile, the one that made my heart melt because I was the only one that got that smile from her.

I sighed and stood up, looking at Stacey and Paul, “See ya guys, sorry about bailing. You’ll get Ellie home safe, right?”

Stacey waved her hand dismissively, “Sure we will, and don’t worry about it, Jamie,” she assured me. Paul on the other hand, just smiled and nodded, shoving half of my fries in his mouth in one go, earning him an elbow to the ribs from the feisty little blonde he was dating. I smiled and shot one last look at Ellie before I headed out to my car, my heart sinking with every step took.

I really didn’t want to go and do this. I didn’t want to see her, to face her again. I didn’t want her to tell me that she was in trouble and that I was going to have to bail her out again. I didn’t want her to drag me back into that life that I fought so hard against everyday. I was finally free of that life, I was out of it and I desperately wanted it to stay that way. That just wasn’t me anymore. I wasn’t Jamie Cole, expert car thief and all round badass. I was Jamie Cole, guy who worked his ass off at a scrap dealers everyday, just to earn the money to treat his sweet little girlfriend to things that she’d like.

I got into my car and took a deep breath, trying to calm down the turmoil of anger, hurt and misery that was all churning in my stomach, making me feel slightly sick.

As I drove down the familiar streets I felt my hands start to get sweaty, my back automatically straightened, my heart started to speed up. I had no control over these things, they happened automatically. It suddenly hit me that the last time I had headed towards this house, was before I was a murderer. The last time I had headed away from this house, I was in a cop car, dried blood still on my hands and splashed up my face, staining my clothes. I hadn’t been near that place in five years, and I didn’t want to be going there now.

I gulped as I passed the group of kids playing in the street, the little girls jumping rope and singing on a Sunday afternoon. I can remember watching Sophie do things like that, while I had stood up against the wall, being the protective big brother and watching out for her. I forced my eyes away from the group as they laughed and danced around the street, so happy, so carefree. I was never like that. Sophie was, I made sure she was, but me on the other hand, I didn’t get a childhood. The childhood I did have, I tried my best not to remember.

The drive down the street seemed to be taking forever as I saw things that stuck out in my memories from when I was a kid. Things like Mrs Motter who was still sitting on her doorstep, smoking, her hair pulled back into the messy topknot, her clothes still looked the same as I remembered. I couldn’t help but wonder if she would recognise me if I walked up to her now, would she still invite me inside for lemonade and cookies because she thought I looked thin?