Fighting to Be Free

I debated rejecting it. If I didn’t know the person then chances was that it was a wrong number or something anyway. My head felt heavy, my eyes stinging because I’d only fallen asleep a couple of hours ago due to my overexcitement about today. Unwillingly I answered it and yawned at the same time.

“Hello?” I mumbled, settling back into the bed.

“Hey, Ellie.”

A smile crept onto my lips at the sound of his voice. “Hey you,” I cooed. “Do you know what time it is? Can’t you sleep either?” I chewed on my lip and sighed happily.

He cleared his throat. “Sorry I called so early, I just, I need to speak to you.” His voice sounded a little off, a little tight but I dismissed it thinking that he was just tired or something. Maybe he’d only just got home from his boost and hadn’t actually been to sleep yet.

“Okay, what’s up?” I rolled to my front, propping myself up on my elbows. There was silence on the other end of the phone and I felt the frown slip onto my forehead. “Jamie? Is everything okay?”

“Not really,” he answered. I gulped, flicking on my bedside light, immediately starting to worry that he was sick or hurt. “Ellie, I can’t…. I’m not coming with you today.”

“Huh?” He wasn’t coming, what the heck was he talking about?

He blew out a big breath making it whistle slightly down the line. “I’ve been thinking about it all night and I decided that it’s not the right thing for me. I thought I could do it, I thought I could give up everything for you, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

His words just weren’t making sense in my head. I frowned, trying to work out what he was talking about. He didn’t want to go? “You…. don’t…. Jamie, what?” I stuttered, confused.

“I was thinking about what happened between us last night, when you came over and accused me of killing Sophie,” he muttered.

I gulped. A wave of guilt washed over me again because I really shouldn’t have entertained that thought for a second. I’d obviously hurt him by thinking that of him, he’d already admitted that to me last night. “I’m sorry about that,” I whispered, wincing.

He sighed. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and then it suddenly hit me, I can’t be with someone who doubts me like that.”

Can’t be with someone…. My body stiffened as I started to understand what he was saying, but my brain refused to accept it. “What are you talking about?”

“Ellie, look, this was fun, I had a great time with you. I really thought we were good together but travelling with you would mean that I’d have to give up everything here, my friends, my work, my home. I thought I was okay doing that, I thought it would be fine, but after last night I realised that it’s not what I should be doing.” His words felt like he’d shoved a knife in my stomach and was twisting it.

“So you don’t want to go?” I asked needing clarification. I knew he was giving up a lot for me, that’s why I was so shocked when he suggested it in the first place. It was my dream, not his, but yet he was changing his whole life just to do something that I wanted.

“No.”

I gulped and nodded. The disappointment was settling into the pit of my stomach, I’d been so excited for weeks and now we weren’t getting to go, but I understood what he was saying, it wasn’t fair of me to have expected that he do that in the first place. “Okay. I understand. We won’t go then.

I don’t think we could get a refund on the tickets for tomorrow but at least we hadn’t booked too many nights in hotels and stuff. It’s fine,” I agreed. I laughed quietly. “I think my parents will be a little relieved actually,” I added, thinking of my mom’s sad expression earlier.

“You’re taking this really well,” he said. His voice shook as he spoke, almost like he was disappointed that I wasn’t freaking out or something.

I shrugged, trying not to let my disappointment sound in my voice. “It’s okay, I understand. Are you coming over today? Maybe you could help me break the news to my parents,” I suggested closing my eyes and praying he wasn’t going to say what my heart already knew he was going to say.

“Ellie, are you not understanding what I’m saying?” he asked incredulously.

“Don’t,” I whispered. My eyes prickled with tears as I focussed on the ceiling trying not to let them fall.

“I’m sorry, okay. It’s just not working for me, after last night I know how you really see me and I can’t be with someone that thinks that of me,” he stated nonchalantly.

Oh God. “Jamie, it was just a spur of the moment mistake, I jumped to the wrong conclusion and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, but please don’t throw us away because of that, please,” I begged desperately.

“You threw us away the second you thought I could hurt my little sister,” he shot back harshly.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. Please forgive me. We’ll work through it, we can do that I know we can. We’ll stay here and just work through it, please?” I closed my eyes and prayed for a second chance. Part of me knew deep down though that this was the end, he sounded so final, so detached, he wasn’t listening to my pleas. I guess it was about time that he realised he could do better than me.

“After you left last night, everything just kept playing over and over in my head. I love you, Ellie, I do, but it’s just not enough, not after what you thought of me. After the boost I went to a bar with some of the boys…. I met a girl there.” His words honestly felt like he’d slapped me across the face.