Fighting to Be Free

Jamie laughed humourlessly. “Wasn’t self-defence, Ellie. They had to have a closed casket at his funeral apparently because of the mess I’d made of him. Brett told me that the only way the coroner could identify him was from his fingerprints because his face and dental records were unrecognisable,” he stated casually.

I cringed, thinking about Jamie doing all that to another human being, but to be honest I didn’t think badly of him for it like he was probably expecting. He killed a sick person who had probably hurt hundreds of people in his life - I wasn’t going to condemn Jamie for taking a paedophile off of the streets, even in that brutal manner.

“But the courts must have known the reasons for you killing him. Didn’t you tell them what he used to do to you? What he’d done to Sophie? Surely they could have been lenient on you because of extenuating circumstances,” I protested.

He frowned and shrugged. “I didn’t tell them anything about Ralf. I actually didn’t tell them anything, I was distraught with grief and guilt, I didn’t talk to anyone about it. But the investigation established that he killed Sophie first and then I killed him. I pleaded guilty to murder, but I didn’t tell them anything else. I didn’t want anyone to know. I guess I was ashamed of everything that happened. The judge was lenient a little, I didn’t get as long as I could have done,” he explained.

“What about your mom? Didn’t she tell them what happened either?” I asked, anger leaked into my voice as I mentioned his mom. I’d never hated anyone like I hated her and I’d never even met the woman.

He smiled sadly and shook his head. “No. She sat there in the booth and watched me get sent down for it. She didn’t even cry for me. She came to visit me once when I was in juvie. She told me that she hated me for killing Ralf, that I’d made her life unbearable because she loved him and I’d taken him away.” I almost growled with anger when he said that. She was angrier with Jamie for killing Ralf, even though her abusive pimp had killed her daughter? That was disgraceful. “She told me that she had no son. I never saw her again, well, not until she got in trouble with the loan shark anyway,” he stated, shrugging.

The loan shark. He’d told me that she’d gotten in trouble and he’d gone back to work for Brett to help her out - why the hell did he do that after what he’d just told me? “Jamie, why did you help her? Why did you start working for Brett again, just to help her? I…. I wouldn’t have done that, I would have told her to go screw herself and I would have left her to it,” I admitted. I guess Jamie was a better person than me; I wouldn’t have been able to help someone who let me go through that as a child.

He sat back on the sofa and shrugged, looking at me with sad eyes. “She’s still my mom,” he said simply, as if that explained everything.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. “You’re an incredibly forgiving person, Jamie.”

He snorted. “She’s not forgiven,” he snapped. “But I guess maybe I owed her for leaving her on her own. Sophie and Ralf both died, I went to juvie, and she had to deal with all of that on her own.”

So she should, was what I wanted to say but I held it back. I scooted closer to him, pressing against his side and resting my head on his shoulder. “Jamie, I’m so sorry that you went through all of that stuff. Sophie was a lucky little girl to have you as a brother and have you love her so much. You can’t blame yourself for anything, it wasn’t your fault,” I promised, fingering the bottom of his t-shirt absentmindedly.

He shifted and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me impossibly closer to him as he traced his nose on the side of my face. “Why do you never react the way I think you will? You confuse me so much,” he whispered.

I smiled at him sadly as he ran his fingers through my hair, just looking back at me softly. “Maybe you should stop second guessing me and just trust me a little more with your secrets,” I countered.

A smile twitched at the corners of his mouth. “Maybe I should.”

He shifted on his seat slightly, looking a little uncomfortable. “So, er… I guess you think I’m a pu**y now huh?” he muttered.

I frowned, looking at him confused, not having a clue why he would think that. “What, why?”

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, avoiding my eyes. “For crying all over you like a girl,” he answered, cringing.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. Only Jamie would think that. “Real men cry, Jamie. I’d never think any less of you for it, ever,” I promised, putting my hand under his chin and tilting his head up so he had to look at me. His eyes showed his embarrassment and unease at this situation, and that somehow made me fall even more in love with him. He was so vulnerable and damaged; I’d just never seen it before because he never let me this side of his barriers. I loved that he let me inside now.

“Think maybe we could keep this between us? I don’t want everyone knowing that I blubbered like a baby.”

I smiled and nodded in agreement. “Yeah, we wouldn’t want your boys to know that you’re only human, huh? That won’t be good for the whole bad boy, car stealing reputation that you like put out,” I teased playfully.

A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips as his fingers resumed combing through my hair again. My hand unconsciously moved to his stomach, slipping under his t-shirt as my fingers found the biggest scar he had. I’d often wondered how he got it, but now that I knew the reason why he had it, I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to hear it.