Fighting to Be Free

After a minute of nothing happening I silently scolded myself as I realised he was probably sleeping in preparation for tonight - I should have called to tell him I was coming over. I groaned and pulled out my cellphone, but just as I unlocked my screen to find his number, the door swung open and there stood the love of my life.

“Hey!” he chirped, sounding a little shocked.

The sound of his voice made my stomach ache, the tone, so rich and welcoming. His voice alone made me swoon. I dragged my eyes over his handsome face to meet his eyes, biting my lip so that I didn’t just burst into tears. A smile was stretched across his face, his eyes soft and tender as he looked back at me.

“What you doing here?” he asked, grinning, reaching for my hand.

I gulped, unsure as to what I should say. How do I start this conversation? My eyes searched his face as his fingers linked through mine, stepping a little closer to me. Could this beautiful, thoughtful, adorable boy standing in front of me, really be a killer? Was it even possible?

My sob rose in my throat and I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. “Ellie, you okay?” he asked, cocking his head to the side, looking at me worriedly. “I thought we weren’t seeing each other tonight.” He tugged on my hand, making me step into his familiar apartment.

I had no words, so the only thing I could do was reach into my pocket and pull out the crumpled piece of paper that Mark had given me. Jamie’s ‘rap sheet’ as he’d called it. I held it out to him and he frowned, looking confused as he took it from my hand and straightened it out so he could read it.

I watched his face as he scanned it over. His eyes twitched, his jaw tightened, his shoulders seemed to stiffen. He blew out a big breath and his eyes flicked up to meet mine. I was praying for some emotion to cross his face, any emotion, anger, shock, disbelief, just something to disprove the words written on that piece of paper. But instead what I did see broke my heart even more. I saw guilt, plain and simple. His brown, sad eyes said it all - what was printed on that sheet was true.

“Ellie, where…. where did you get this?” he asked. His normally smooth and silky voice was tight with stress and emotion as he spoke.

“Mark,” I croaked.

He frowned, looking confused. “Mark, what? How?”

I sniffed, wiping the tear that escaped even though I was trying to hold them back. Was he seriously not going to tell me? Was he stalling for time so that he could come up with a lie? “Terry’s lawyer is Arthur Barrington, Mark’s dad. He’s been helping with his case. He told me that the prosecution are trying to link Terry to other crimes and criminals,” I muttered. I needed to sit down, my legs were getting a little weak as we stood there assessing the other.

Jamie nodded, his face hard and emotionless as he closed the door, shutting us both in the apartment. “Mark’s dad? Well that sucks,” he grumbled, screwing up the paper again and shoving it into his pocket. “I already knew about the association thing, Brett told me.”

I looked at him incredulously, waiting.

His eyes met mine and he gulped loudly. “I should have told you,” he mumbled.

I laughed humourlessly. “Really, ya think?” I snapped sarcastically. He grimaced, stepping closer to me and stretching out his hand towards me, a pleading expression on his face. Instinct and anger made me slap his hand away just before he touched my cheek. “Don’t touch me,” I growled.

His hand immediately dropped down to his side again as he looked at me so remorsefully, so softly, that it made my heart ache. “Ellie, please…. I love you,” he whispered.

His words were painful, emotion was washing over me as my eyes stung with tears that I refused to let fall. “You’ve been inside for murder?” I questioned, my was voice barely above a whisper.

He nodded slowly, his eyes locked on my face as he raised his hands innocently. He was doing everything so slowly, almost like I was a frightened animal and he was trying not to scare me off. “I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to look at me the way you are right now. I didn’t want you to know that side of me, that’s not the person that I want to be,” he said softly.

My chin wobbled as he stepped closer to me. Too close. So close that I could feel the heat coming from his body. I couldn’t let him that close to me, I couldn’t concentrate when Jamie was that close to me, so I stepped back and shook my head. I was fighting a losing battle to hold onto my anger as it was, I didn’t need him stepping into my personal space and getting behind the barriers I was trying so hard to keep up. His shoulders slumped as he hung his head almost shamefully. He looked so defeated that it broke my heart.

“I had a right to know. That’s not something you can keep from someone, you should have told me!” I shouted angrily.

Again he nodded. “I know, Ellie, but I didn’t want to lose you, then as time went on it became more like I couldn’t lose you. It got harder and harder to tell you, then it was impossible because I’d left it too long,” he explained, still looking at the floor.

“Jamie, you killed someone! You didn’t even tell me, you let me fall in love with you knowing that the person I was falling for didn’t exist!” I cried. He shuffled on his feet, his eyes firmly fixed on the floor and I hated that he wouldn’t look at me. “Oh just give up the little boy lost look for Christ sake, that’s not helping your case so man the f**k up and look at me!” I slapped his shoulder as hard as I could, only resulting in making my hands sting from the blow. “Ow,” I muttered, pouting.