Falling Under (Falling 3)

Moments of does he doesn’t he

Can we, could we, should we

Dismiss it, ignore it, pretend

I never had those thoughts

Put the wishes to an end

Live and breathe and move

Find a brand-new groove

Keep going and just be

You and me

Day in day out

You and me

Day in day out

And then like a flash flood

Like a sudden slide of mud

I’m in love with someone else

And you and me aren’t you and me

You’re you

And I’m someone else

You’re not you

And I’m still me

And who are we

Who are we

Where’s the we

We used to be

Discover does he doesn’t he

Has always been does he

Only I never knew

And the moments are too few

Too late

The time is gone

Long ago and long

And my heart is full of someone else

But you’re still you

I’m still me

There’s just no longer any we

Because your heart is full of me

But I’m not that me

Your me

I’m his me

And you want what can’t ever be

But you still look at me

As if all the we and all the what if and all the as if and all the used to be

Could ever add up to

A new you and me

And I don’t want this guilt

I don’t want this guilt

I don’t want you to wish

Don’t want you to keep hoping

Keep holding on and holding out

I want you to find your own someone else

Your own brand-new you and me

Your own fresh lifetime of here we are now

Day in day out

Of talking free

Easy and slow

I wish you could know

How much I miss you

How much I miss

The way we used to be

But god can’t you see

I’m no longer that girl

I’m not your me

I’m not your me.”

I don’t deny the slicing ache in my heart. I accept it. It’s old news at this point. I let her see into me, let her see my hurt and my resignation.

Jerry glances at me, pushes a button, and gestures at me.

“Can I please have just five minutes alone with you, Kylie?” I ask.

She nods, slides off the piano bench. She stops by Oz, whispers in his ear, kisses him quickly. He nods, glances at me. I think he knows. I hope he does. I’m doing this for him, too. The guilt over having almost gotten him killed makes this all that much worse.

Kylie steps out of the recording booth, and I follow her outside, into the sunlight. We stand in an alley, dumpsters to either side of us. I put my back to a wall, wait for Kylie to quit pacing and face me.

“Ben, I don’t even know—”

“You don’t have to say anything,” I cut in over her. “Just listen. I’ve loved you for a long, long time. No, please, Kylie, just listen. You’re with Oz. I lost my chance. I get that. I hate it. It hurts. It f**king cuts me apart every single moment of every single day, is what it does.” I don’t bother to hide my emotions. “It makes me crazy. It should be you and me, not you and him. But I can’t change that. I know that. I really do. And…if I really do love you, then I wouldn’t want to change that. I’m just weak enough that I still do want you for myself, even though I know, I can f**king see that you’re happy with Oz. So good for you. Be happy.”

“Ben—” Her voice breaks.

“No, I’m not done.” I force myself to stay absolutely still, barely even breathing. If I don’t keep going, I’m liable to do something stupid, like try to kiss her to change her mind. “I’m not done. I do want you to be happy. I want you stay happy. And if—fuck—if Oz gives you that, then so be it. I’ll accept that because I have no choice. But I can’t just pretend it’s fine for me. It’s not. It hurts to see you with him. It makes me angry and crazy and jealous, and I don’t know how to stop that. How to change that in me. I can’t. I’ve f**king tried. For months, I’ve tried. It’s not that I keep hoping you’ll change your mind. I know you won’t. It’s that I can’t help wishing. Wanting. And I think…I think no matter how much time passes, that’ll never change. At least, not as long as I’m here around you. Around him.”

“What are you saying, Ben?” Her voice is barely a whisper.

I pace away, running my hand through my freshly shorn hair. It’s close to the scalp all over, easy to maintain in the long days of driving and no showers I’ve got ahead of me. I turn back to her, memorize her features, her perfect strawberry blonde hair, her pale skin, her blue eyes, her body. God. I love her so much, and I’ve never even held her hand.

“I’m saying…I don’t know how to be in love with you and be your friend at the same time. I don’t know how. I don’t think it’s possible. So…I’m choosing to show you I love you the only way I have left.” I pinch the bridge of my nose, breathe deep, and then look up into her eyes. One last time. “I’m leaving, Kylie.”

“Leaving? Where are you going? For how long?”

I shrug, shake my head. “I don’t know…and I don’t know. Anywhere but here, and possibly forever. For as long as it takes for me to get over you. Find someone else, maybe. I don’t know.”

She sniffs. “I don’t want you to go.” Her eyes are wet, but she doesn’t wipe them. “You’re my best friend, Ben.”

I shake my head again. “No, I’m not. I’m your oldest friend.” I point at the doorway into the studio. “He’s your best friend.”

She nods. “So you’re just…running away.”

I growl. “Fucking hell, Kylie. Don’t make this any harder than it has to be.” I want to punch the wall, kick the dumpster, kiss her senseless. I do none of this. I’m used to wanting her and not letting myself act on it. I’m good at it; I’ve got almost ten years of practice, after all. “I’m not running away. I’m letting you go.”

“But I might never see you again.”

I nod. “Yeah. I mean, I’ll try to come back for Christmas, but…I don’t know where I’ll end up.”

“What about college? You’re leaving Vanderbilt too?”

I nod. “I finished the semester. I haven’t officially withdrawn yet, but I doubt I’ll be back in the fall. I might transfer somewhere else. Or I might try out for the minors or something. I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m just going. I’ve got to get away from you, Kylie. You’re…you’re in me. In my head, in my heart, in my life. But you don’t want me the way I want you, and this city just isn’t big enough. So…so…”