Every Last Kiss

Against the crisp white bedding, his bronze skin glistened even more than usual and I couldn’t help but notice the definition of his arm.I could practically see the individual striations in the muscle.Amazing.I realized then that I hadn’t been breathing and forced myself to take a deep breath. He certainly had an effect on me, that was for sure.

“Charmian?”

He was looking at me strangely and I realized that I hadn’t answered his question.His bulging biceps had distracted me.I forced my gaze away from them and back to his face.Not exactly a hardship.

“I’m not certain.Cleopatra needs me already,”I sighed as I sat on the edge of the bed next to him.

Reaching out my hand, I brushed the long silky strands of his hair away from his face.He closed his eyes and leaned into my hand, the roughness of his morning stubble scratching my skin.

“I wish you could stay,”he murmured huskily, staring at me with his fathomless dark eyes.I knew I could get lost in eyes like that, so I pulled away with another sigh.

“Trust me, so do I,”I mumbled as I stood so that I could dress.

I felt his dark gaze penetrating my back as I stripped off my clothes and hurriedly dressed in a cotton day shift.I quickly brushed my hair and twisted it into a simple bun at the nape of my neck, securing it with slender ivory pins.Bending quickly, I brushed my lips across Hasani’s brow.

He used my off-balance stance as an opportunity to pull me down until I was lying on top of him.His hands roamed liberally over my body, tracing the henna phoenix tattooed on my back.I closed my eyes, enjoying the weight and warmth of his fingers through my thin shift.

“You are not making it easy for me to leave, Hasani,”I sighed into his soft lips.

“I wasn’t trying to,”he replied as he kissed the side of my neck so softly that goose bumps formed.Lord, he was cocky.And I loved that about him.

I groaned as I pushed his hands away and stood up.

“Trust me, I would rather stay here with you, but I need to see what the queen needs. It must be important at this hour.”

He nodded and grudgingly released me, but I could tell from his expression that he understood.He was a general in Antony’s army, after all.He understood loyalty- it was in every strand of his molecular make-up.He was burying his head deep under a buckwheat pillow as I was slipped out the door.

Making my way hurriedly to Cleopatra’s chamber, I wondered what the heck would be waiting for me when I arrived.The guards stationed outside of her door were nonplussed at my early appearance and seemed as calm as always.Their staid normalcy was comforting- whatever the issue was must not be too bad, but I still hurried to get to her just in case.They didn’t have all of the information that I did about our current situation... and ignorance was bliss.

As I threw open the doors, my rushed entry was anti-climactic.Cleopatra’s chamber was completely silent as I entered it.Her bed was rumpled, but empty. The balcony doors were closed against the cool morning air, muffling the noise from the sea.I gazed around the darkened room but didn’t see anything amiss.  Everything seemed just as I had left it last night.Except that Cleopatra wasn’t here.

“Cleopatra?”

As I called for her, I made my way around each room, lighting the castor oil sconces.She had let them burn out and there was no reason for the room to be so dark.

“I’m here.”

Her voice was so tiny that I barely heard it. I followed it and found her huddled on the floor next to her bed with her knees clutched to her chest.Her face was pale in the darkness, her eyes dull and tired from lack of sleep.

“Are you alright?”

She nodded, but I rushed to her side anyway and gave her a quick once-over.She appeared to be fine.Her hair was uncombed and she was still in her dressing gown, but I guessed that it was because she had never gone to bed.

“Where’s Antony?”I asked as I slid down to sit next to her.She scooted over to make room on the thick carpet for me.

“He was feeling melancholy last night and slept in his own chambers,”her voice was small and sad and I instantly felt sorry for her.She didn’t like sympathy, however, so I took pains to hide it.

It wasn’t unusual for Antony to succumb to melancholy, in fact, it was the very reason Cleopatra had his own palatial addition built… so that he had a vast private place to surround himself with while he moped.I knew she wasn’t upset that he had chosen to sleep alone—she was only sad because of the timing.She wanted to soak in his strength so she could maintain her own.

“Are you alright?”

I struggled to make my voice devoid of sympathy and matter-of-fact.

“I’m fine,”she sighed.“But I’m concerned because Iras hasn’t returned.If she wasn’t able to find Annen, she would have come back and reported that to me.But she hasn’t come back at all.I have a bad feeling, Charmian… do you think something has happened to her?”

“Cleopatra!”I gasped. “That’s horrible- don’t even think that!What could possibly have happened?She probably returned to the palace too late and didn’t want to wake you.”

But even before I had finished speaking, Cleopatra was already shaking her head dejectedly.

“She didn’t come back.I had the guards check her rooms.”

Panic bubbled up in me, even though I tried to hide it from the queen.It wasn’t like Iras not to complete a task. She was nothing if not obedient.If she could’ve returned to the palace, she would have.I had a sick feeling that where ever she was now, she didn’t want to be there.

Pothinus.She’s with Pothinus.Ahmose’s raspy voice appeared in my mind, out of nowhere and I startled, glancing around me.  

I hated it when he did that.If he wanted to talk to me, he should show up and talk to me, not whisper things in my mind.And unfortunately, he brought bad news.Just as I had feared, Pothinus was here.Somewhere.I shoved the panicky feelings down and turned back to Cleopatra.

“What do you think we should do?”

I was impressed with how strong and calm I sounded.Cleopatra would have no idea that my knees were shaking.The scar on my wrist began to throb, the tell-tale sign that everything was wrong.I needed to fix it, but I wasn’t sure how.

Cleopatra turned to look at me, as lovely as always and seemingly calm.The dark purple circles beneath her eyes didn’t detract from her beauty even a little.Her voice was cool and detached when she answered.

“I’m not certain.I can’t allow Antony to know that I sent her.I’m tempted to wait and see what happens.”

She turned away from me again so that I couldn’t see her face, but I couldn’t believe my ears.

“We can’t do that.For all we know, there is something wrong- we can’t fail Iras in such a way.”

She sighed heavily again, laying her head down on her skinny arms.

“I know…and I don’t want to.But I just don’t see what else we can do.I don’t want to order soldiers to look for her, because Antony will find out. And we don’t even know yet if there is anything to be concerned about.For all we know, she was waylaid by a handsome, strapping soldier.”

I shook my head.“You know Iras wouldn’t do that.”

I quickly ran through several scenarios in my head, trying to formulate a plan. The only thing I could think of, though, was to send myself.

“I’ll go,”I announced calmly.“I’ll go to the temple today and try to find out what happened to her.”

“You can’t,”Cleopatra shot the idea down even though I could tell she was tempted.

“You heard Antony.He warned you not to go too far from the palace unaccompanied. We really might be in danger.I just don’t know…so we can’t risk it.”

As she spoke, she gracefully rose from the ground and seated herself at her vanity, staring at me in the mirror.

“Well, my queen, I don’t see what other option we have.You obviously can’t go. But we can’t tell anyone else, so… that leaves me.”

She thought for a moment, her smooth brow pulled into wrinkles as she brushed her hair.

“It’s too dangerous, Charmian.We can’t.I think what we will do… is send a personal guard to the Serapis in search of her.Just one guard in secrecy. If he is unsuccessful, we’ll have to handle it ourselves.”

“As you wish, Cleopatra,”I murmured, gazing outside. 

  Below us, Hasani walked with long strides through the lush courtyard as he spoke with one of his officers.I briefly wondered how he was going to spend the morning before I looked again to Cleopatra.

“You are right, my queen, as usual.You should send a guard first.”I shot her a small smile and then helped her dress.

When we were finished, she stood in front of me, a vision of perfection.If historians could see her now, they would be beside themselves to realize that their depictions were so wrong.She was breathtakingly beautiful… not passably handsome, as some had written.

Plutarch, the old goat, hadn’t even known her… yet his descriptions are what so many modern historians based their opinions upon.And that was a shame, because he so obviously favored the Roman opinion of Cleopatra… which of course was not a positive one.The only positive thing she ever did, in his eyes, was kill herself.Thinking of him now was making my blood boil, so I decided to think of something else.

“What will you be doing today, my queen?”I inquired politely as I put away her cosmetics jars.

“I thought I would spend the morning in the nursery with the children.”She grinned broadly.I should have known, of course.She would want to hold them in her arms as much as she possibly could.Another thing that history had not recorded…She was an excellent mother. Even in a time when royalty allowed nurses to raise their children, she was very hands-on and affectionate with hers.

“Charmian… what I was saying last night- before we were distracted by Tehran… about the children?I was going to confess something.”

Startled, I turned around quickly.Cleopatra never felt the need to confess anything.

“What is it?”

“I… that is, to say… my decisions in the immediate future will be based upon the children.”

I was confused.

“I already know this.It is how it should be.Why are you pointing it out to me now?”

I took a few steps closer to her as she spoke again.She looked positively guilty and repentant as she explained, her small shoulders hunched as she sat on her hands.

“It makes me sad, because I know it will seem that I have no faith in my husband or in my armies or that I went behind Antony’s back.But Octavian’s army is larger and so far, he has been ahead of us at every turn.My children must survive to stay on the throne, Charmian.And I will do what I must to ensure that.”

“I would be surprised if that were not the case, Cleopatra,”I answered mildly. “I think any mother in your shoes would do the same.Of course, I can’t speak from experience, but I’m making an educated guess.”I bent and hugged her lightly.“Don’t feel guilty, my queen.”

“I don’t,”she assured me, her face a tranquil regal mask now.“I just feel badly for the way it might appear.I hope that I am not forced to make such painful decisions, but there may come a time when it is necessary.”